Wet Floor

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.

So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.”
 ― Neil Gaiman

So two more days to go before the year is done. But I've pretty much chalked 2013 as done and done. The two remaining days are holidays here and I'll probably work (and be hopefully drunk on the 31st) at home to submit my escalated deliverable. I'm hoping to finish it tomorrow so I'll just fake-work on the 31st. I mean, who wants to work while everybody's celebrating?

I've been looking at previous December posts and thinking of my past Decembers. And pretty much, these latest years have been the same. I'm not sure if I'm a fan of change, because my comfort zone is cozy enough for me, but there are times I appreciate a different routine. For some things I can willingly leave the zone, for other things I'll have to be dragged out tooth and nail.

I hope I'll have the courage to try. I know I'll make mistakes. But I hope I have the courage to push through despite failures staring me at the face...

Or else nothing new will come. And come next December, we still haven't learn our lesson.

Any Road

"If you don't know where you're going, any road'll take you there" 
- George Harrison, Any Road

Most people are on leave this week. After all, it's the holiday week. We have bunched holidays and a few working days in between. Usually around this time I'm at home and on leave. But ever since I became a lead, I'm always working these holidays. I think I took it upon myself to allow some of my people to take their leaves this week instead of me. Sort of noble I guess, but I just think that I would like to be a team lead that I want my team lead to be back then. So I worked last Christmas Eve, I worked last Christmas. I'll even work on the 30th and the New Year's Eve probably.

I'll just think of the overtime pay. After all, I did spend a lot this year. So I'll need the money back. I think my expenses are growing every year. We're even planning on getting a new car next year. I'm afraid I'll over-extend, with my mother on retirement and not enough money going in from my father and sister.

Anyway. That quote above is a very good quote. Made me think. You know me, I've never been really sure where I'm going. Back then, I did not know what I'll be or what I want to be. I think it's a part of me that never wanted to be sure anyway. So if any road can take me there, I might as well take that road. What could I lose, I don't have a fixed destination anyway.

I've been talking with Meadow some of these past days. We've been talking longer through chat, I believe. Mostly about work, with bits and pieces of other things. Maybe that's because she's on leave and not as busy. And those times, I am giddy. I mean, just today I was irritated that I was given another task from one of their projects, an escalated project at that, but when she talked with me apologizing for the inconvenience, I told her it's ok. And surprisingly, it was suddenly ok. As fast as a snap of the fingers.

So if there's really nothing to this, why am I like this. Thinking about it, about her all the time. Hmmm. Could this go anywhere? Sigh. I think there's nothing between her and that other guy I talked about. I don't know why. But I've been observing them and it doesn't look like there's anything. I might still be wrong. But I'm really wondering why.

I would like to give it a try myself. I just don't know how. Should I just be honest and tell her I don't know anything about this but I'm willing to learn. I mean if she's not doing anything, why not give it a chance, right? We could walk on that any road and maybe get somewhere. But I don't know if I'll come across as incompetent and inexperienced, and that it will turn her off. But honestly, I don't know anything about this. I mean I can give advice to other people, I don't know how when all I had was pain and little periods of joy.

I could pretend to know something or everything about this, give off an air of confidence and high self esteem, but if I could do that, it wouldn't be me...

Delay

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” 
- Dr. Seuss

Patapos na naman ang taon. Isang linggo na lang at ilang araw, mamamaalam na ang 2013. Nagwish ako ng lovelife last year. Hmmm. Hindi ko pa rin masasabi ngayon kung meron na ako nun. Malamang sa malamang, wala pa rin talaga.

May sinubukan sila ireto ah. Pero di gumana e. Di ako pinansin e. Tapos malaman-laman ko, engaged na agad. Parang kaka-boyfriend lang nya ilang buwan pa lang, papakasal na. Waw. Baka naman soulmate. Matagal na raw magkakilala. Pastor pa yung lalaki. Baka maka-Diyos naman talaga. Baka naman mapusok lang. Haha. Baka naman mahal talaga.

Buti pa sila. Lol. Ako, wala pa rin?

Lack of trying? Maaari. Kaya naman wala naman ako talagang masisisi. Tila ba ako si Juan Tamad. Nakanganga at naghihintay malaglag ang bungang nakasabit pa sa sanga. Bakit nga naman ba, di subukang abutin? Baka naman kaya pala. Kung di kayang abutin bakit di yugyugin ang puno hanggang mahulog ang bunga? Di ko pa sinusubukan abutin, iniisip ko agad, baka di ko rin naman gusto. Na mukhang mahirap yun abutin. Na matrabaho yun kunin tapos baka mamaya, di pala para sa akin. Daming dahilan, daming patutsada. Eh kung wag na lang kaya. Baka may iba pang bunga. Baka may iba pang puno.

Pero dito ko gusto mag-antay. Di ko na makita yung ibang bunga. Di ko na naiisip yung ibang puno. Eto lang naiisip ko lagi. Hmm. Di ko dapat hinayaang lumala ng ganito. Di ko dapat inisip ng inisip. Ayan wala na ako magawa ngayon. Na-inception na ako. Di ko na maalis. Di ko na magawa na di sya isipin. Walangjo.

Dapat ata iba na lang winish ko. Kung alam ko lang babalik ako sa pagiging ganito. Akala ko graduate na ako dun.

Pag di raw ako tumaya, talo na agad. Ayoko na tumaya e. Huhu. Bakit ba walang kasiguraduhan sa mundo para sa akin. Alam ko lang, pag nakikita ko sya, may nararamdaman ako. Hmmm. Baka nga naman kras lang. Kras lang naman siguro. Dun naman ata nagsisimula. Ewan. Nalilimutan ko ata huminga nung nakita ko sya kahapon sa party ng mga pangkat-pinuno. Tsk. Nung nakita ko sya masaya, waw. Pinipigilan kong tumingin nang tumingin sa kanya. Tsk tsk. Parang teenager lang walangya.

Pero hirap kasi syang i-reach out. Ewan ko ba. Alam mo yun. Hirap. Ichat mo, minsan di nagrereply. Itext mo, minsan di nagrereply. Iemail mo, minsan di nagrereply. Busy lang ba, o ayaw ba talaga? Sadyang ganun lang ba talaga sya, ayaw sa hindi personal na pakikipag-usap? Saka parang si faith e. May mga reply na ang hirap gawan ng katuloy. Parang hindi nagfloflow yung usapan. Nauubusan din ako ah. Pwede naman magcontribute sa usapan, di naman bawal. Para lang magtuloy-tuloy...

E di puntahan di ba? Sa pwesto? E sala talaga. Gusto ko sya kausapin kung sya lang ang nandun. E laging may ibang tao dun. Sala sked. Sala ang floor. Puro sala.

Hmm. Matatapos ang taong ito na wala talagang nangyari. Di na rin ako papasok sa opis sa susunod na linggo kaya malamang sa susunod na taon na to. :( Susubok ba tayo next year? Dapat. Kundi, wala talagang mangyayari.

Dami nating tanong, simple lang ba talaga ang sagot?

Sleigh

“Maybe there's something you're afraid to say, or someone you're afraid to love, or somewhere you're afraid to go. It's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt because it matters.” 
- John Green

What a week, eh? What a week.

We have postponed this time and again, and have thought of times when we should do it. We still haven't. I don't know. There are times I've thought maybe there's already someone making a move. I mean I there's that one guy hanging around her and they've known each other for a long time. I don't know if he was friend-zoned or he's gay or what is going on. If he haven't tried already, I'm thinking he is gay. Not that there's anything wrong with it, just that I can't imagine being that close to her and not even trying.

Look who's talking, but in my defense, I'm not that close to her as he is, you see. So maybe he's affecting my plans, unintentionally. Because I can't get her alone when they're hanging around her all the time. If they're eating together and going home together (albeit always with other people and never just the two of them), won't you think there's something going on? Or maybe I'm just making excuses not to go through with it. Such fear of the unknown.

I'm paralyzed with thoughts of her. If I'm always thinking about this, I should do something about it, right? How else can I get it to stop. When I never seem to want to...

Last Wednesday we had the Christmas party with her team, of which some people are part of mine. Confusing, but that's bureaucracy for you, I guess. But I'm not complaining here. I gleaned off some things being with her. Maybe I'm getting blind here, but those things I see, I still like. And yes, I found out I do want to be close to her...

The next day, I saw her again where we ate dinner. She was with her other friends at another table. And I couldn't resist going near her. Even if I'm just asking about a little thing, using it as an excuse to go over. I'm also looking at her when I could. I wonder if my pupils are dilated when I do.

Last Saturday during the year-end party, I even imagined talking to her alone and maybe asking her then and there. But alas, that morning of Saturday, I got sick. I vomited twice on the bus going home and was feeling so sick. I think I even got a fever. But still, I went to the year-end party. Because I already bought something to wear. And there's a penalty if you registered and did not attend. And I could see her as well. I won a 500 php gift check for my trouble, so the night wasn't a total waste.

But strangely, when I saw her, she never even seemed to look at me. It was strange. We never even talked the whole night. I don't even have a picture with her. She was very distant that night. But she looked beautiful. As always. But alas, as the night went on, instead of getting better, I felt even more and more sick. I had a terrible headache. I can't stand for too long. And I felt like vomiting again. I wanted to lie down on a bed and sleep it off. So I did steer away from her. There were several plans for an after party but after too much ado, I just went back to the office to rest. I found out she and her friends also went home after coffee. I was able to chat with her for a short time. I was the last message again. But it felt good that I talked with her.

Hard to read people, really. Maybe knowing one's thoughts is a good enough superpower for me. I would really like telekinesis or teleportation or time travel. But definitely knowing her thoughts will trump those powers right now.

The December Incident

“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.” 
- Anaïs Nin

I remember being in this position a decade ago. At around this time many years past, I have had thoughts like this. Should I go through with it? I was still not sure about what I feel at the time. I would like to know her better, and I like being with her and talking with her, etc. But what if she said no. Things would get very awkward... such a waste because we were getting close those past months. I mean, before that was only little goth and back then I never tried with anyone else. I did not know how these things were supposedly done.

Nothing has really changed even after 10 years, it's no longer funny. That when it comes to things like this, I still make things difficult for myself.

-----------------------------

I remember there was supposed to be a letter because it was already Christmas break, and she was already back at her province. There was no way I could talk to her personally. I had typed it on a word document and saved it on a diskette. I've forgotten what it was exactly about, and sadly I don't have a copy of it anywhere. But in general, I think it was a confession of my feelings and how I believe I got there or something.

I think I was planning to send her an email (copy paste and then send) and the thing was on the diskette that I was carrying on my way to my friend's house that day. Why an email? Maybe so if she rejected me, I wouldn't know it right away. Internet was still a scarce thing back then, we didn't have it so it would take days if not weeks before I know her reply. At my friend's house, I was using his internet because I had to get my schedule for the following term. I was talking to her through chat about sections and other things. But then, my two friends who were with me and knew her but didn't know what I feel about her, had an idea...

In what would be forever ingrained in my memory as the "December incident", they immobilized me and typed words at the chat in my stead, telling her that I liked her and such.

It was a nightmare. I had to take back what I supposedly "said", right?

I should tell her that it was all a joke, that it was a prank that they pulled on me that affected her. They said I should be getting a girlfriend already, and I was too slow, they decided to speed things up. But seeing my furious reaction to what they did, they thought I did not like her and were apologizing like crazy. I was ignoring them, as I was focusing on how to fix the mess they put me into.

So, I explained that I wasn't the one who typed those words, but my friends. She was getting confused, I think. She no longer knew who was saying what, and was it all a joke? What's the truth? Then I dropped the bomb.

"It's ok," I typed. "because what they said is true."

-----------------------------
I don't think I have the exact same situation now, 10 years later. I'm supposedly older and more mature, right? Things should have gotten easier by now. But, alas, this is still as difficult as it was before.

Surely

Grabe anong oras na. Ngayon ka pa lang uuwi... 4 am na... AM shift ka pa mamaya.

Sobrang workaholic mo naman. Wala ka nang itutulog nyan :( ano bang ginawa nyo at inabot kayo ng ganitong oras...

Bakit pakiramdam ko parang umiiwas ka nitong huli. Hmmm. Ako lang siguro nakakaisip nun. Automatic thoughts na naman.

Pero parang... hmm. ako lang siguro. Bakit ka naman maiilang bigla, di ba?

Haay. Ang hirap.

Nahihirapan na ako. Kung sabihin ko na lang kaya sayo lahat. Para di na ako mag-iisip. Ok lang ba yun? O ayaw mo ba ng ganun?

Pedestal

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.” 
-Federico García Lorca

I'm an occasional drinker. But lately, I think I'm drinking more than usual. Could we blame this on the current situation? I think so, yes. There is a need for me to talk about it with someone else, but I couldn't do it sober. I don't think I ever admitted anything in person, or sober, regarding these things.

I still believe writing is my strongest suit and I have coursed my feelings through writing most, if not all, of the time. In person and sober, I think I'm too clammed up, erratic and confusing. When I write though, I feel I can say anything. That I could arrange my thoughts better and get my thoughts across.

But that isn't helping me in my current situation. Not one bit.

I think I might have made a mistake last night. I told a lot of people about Meadow. It was out of control, too many words being thrown by many people. I wanted people to know at that time, because maybe I want them to talk me into it. But it ended up with more people knowing about it than I intended. Maybe I just wanted "Jane" to know about it because she seem to give good advice, but now you can add 3 or 4 more people to the list of those who know. Darn.

That's almost ten people who knows about this. If there's something new about this, it's that. I think it's somewhat a relief, getting it out there. But it's frightening as well.

And Meadow still doesn't know.

And it appeared that even Jane was too drunk to give any meaningful advice that night. Just a cautionary, "don't assume", and that there are a lot of people who want to give it a try as well with Meadow. It didn't help me at all. It just made me think more. Maybe it was because she was pushing me to someone else (which did not pass, so I don't think it will happen), but it even felt that she was trying to stop me. The other two who knew it were trying to encourage me, although knowing myself, even drunk you'd probably get frustrated encouraging me.

I already admitted I did not know how to make it work. There's too much effort involved that without reciprocity I don't think I'll be able to sustain. And perhaps this is my automatic thoughts again, but Meadow seems more distant this past week. She's leaving in mid-chat or doesn't even reply.

I think I put her in a pedestal. I have a tendency to do that. And I know that it is a mistake. I've done it a couple of times and it never worked out. She's been haunting my waking thoughts and everything works out well in my dream. But in reality, nothing really happening. That's why it's premature and will cause you to just feel inferior. It will conjure non-existent demons that will haunt you and discourage you or make you feel jealous about nothing, really. It will make you lose your patience and pressure you to unattainable perfection. And making mistakes can make you lash out, if not at her, then at yourself.

I'm trying to get her off that pedestal. That until things work out between the two of us, there's no reason to make her too special that I couldn't make a move. She is just an ordinary person like me and that it could still work out... it's not impossible. That it's okay, even though I'll make several mistakes trying to close this out. All I need to do is to make an attempt.

But yeah. All is still muddled and everything can still go very wrong.

Chasing Pavements

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” 
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Another month has come and gone and all I've got to show for it are a number of chats and a few visits to her cubicle. Not a date. Not even a statement of intent. Not even another coffee break. This appears to be going nowhere because I am unable to push myself to even attempt and get this over with. Should I just stop it? It will give me peace in the short run. I mean if I could get rid of these thoughts of trying and making it work, maybe I could sleep again in peace, without the thought gnawing at me like I forgot something important.

I don't know how to make it work. I'm doing what I think I can to inch ever closer but it seems that there's a big wall I have to get over first if I'm to proceed. A barrier that needed breaking. She's very cautious indeed. I don't know, but there are times I can't elicit a response from her through FB. Too busy? I don't know. Whatever does she do? She isn't online every time and when she is it's barely 10 mins. I couldn't text her because she's using the company phone, maybe she thinks it's an abuse of the company expense. I can't invite her to coffee when she's going home in the wee hours of the morning because she's too busy. How then?

She's not offering a lot of options to continue the conversation, and I've been racking my brain for witty responses every time and sometimes there's just none... :(

Last Friday, when I was about to ask her out for coffee, she wasn't there. Apparently, she was in a meeting. I'm almost wishing I'm in the same team as her, so even though I'll have more work, I'll have a reason to talk to her every time. But I'm currently in a good team and I can't trade that right now. I had to make an excuse to visit her and so I placed the "monito-monita" gift in the box near her cube and I stayed there for a good hour. Someone who knows about it even saw me.

But mainly what we talked about was work and also, one of our colleagues. I learned that she was joining a Run that Saturday morning so I figured she wouldn't be able to go anywhere afterwards, waking up too early and all. I though she was going with the other lead (which I think is either friend-zoned or fighting a war of attrition). I think I thought I should have joined the run as well if I knew she would be there.

Later that Saturday I found out that she did not join the run and the she was partnered up with another not the one I thought, maybe because it was already way past midnight when she went home. But then she had to visit our colleague who recently gave birth at the hospital so if I tried to ask her out then, that probably wouldn't have transpired either. So now two Saturdays of my December are blocked, the Sunday after the YEP will most probably not work either. So it's just this Sunday, the weekend after the leads' YEP, then the weekend after that blah blah...

All these days mean nothing though, if I wouldn't even try.

Taut

“Once you've got a task to do, it's better to do it than live with the fear of it."
- Logen Ninefingers, - Joe Abercrombie, The Blade Itself

It probably won't work.

Haha. I'm sorry, I know if you're reading this you are getting tired of it. I'm getting tired of it as well. If I had butterflies in my stomach since this whole thing escalated, what I now have are their children's children. Such is the long time this is taking me.

Well, the first steps are the hardest, I guess. The anticipation of the daunting task ahead. Like speaking for the first time in front of a crowd, even when you think you're prepared, it's suddenly very easy to back out. Not go through with it. Breathe a little easier. Maybe I'll just do it some other time, you know. Just not now. The words are stuck in my throat. I can't breathe. I'll probably fail if I go through with it, anyway.

Maybe if I can do this and look back, I'll laugh at how ridiculous all these things have been. That it's not really so hard that I'm losing a lot of sleep on this. And I'm not eating that well, losing weight because I've been thinking about this a lot. I'm even catching myself drifting in thoughts most of the time. Maybe it's not the person, but the circumstances. After all, it's been a long time since we've felt this again.

There are more important things I know, but what I feel, I just can't control. I've been laughing at myself before as to how hopeless and needy I became during those times and I didn't think I'll go back to being one again.

I've been looking back at the past and all I can do was cringe at the things I did. And become sad at the things I did not do. I always regretted that I could have done something more and I didn't. I might have set myself up for failure. That given the chance, if I could go back in time, I would give more. Maybe things would have been different. Maybe I would have been happier. Who knows? I don't know. Such is the road not taken, as they say, you never know where it might have led.

But now another fork in the road is in my face. I'm stuck with indecision... with inaction. But I'll push through. I have to. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I don't.

It probably won't work.

But I will try.

Heisenberg

"The very essence of romance is uncertainty."
- Oscar Wilde

The title of this post might be misleading, either because of the namesake's principle or since Breaking Bad (which is one the best TV series there is, IMO) has made the name Heisenberg synonymous to a badass meth chemist/druglord/kingpin... but yeah, this is unrelated to both.

There have been good signs everywhere lately and now I'm thinking, yeah, this would probably work. It might just. I could pull it off. I still don't know how, but where I have been feeling desperate that there's no chance, not even remote, I'm now getting more inclined to a positive perspective. There have been many times in the past weeks that I have thought of giving up and not trying. But every time, I get a "pull" (imagined?) from her, and then I'm back at the edge.

What has happened the past days have shifted me to this view. I still have to initiate the talk most of the time, but at this stage, her response makes me think I'm connecting with her somehow.

Yeah, unless I've been very wrong at reading people (still a possibility), I'm thinking that she is responding to me well.

It makes the jump I'm so scared of before, not as scary. Maybe I've been calmed by not rushing. Who knows what would've happened had I jumped earlier. She might have been repulsed by the sudden surprise.

But now maybe it's a more positive sign? I don't know. I think after that trip abroad she started talking more. I've been reaching out more, making a point to talk to her through chat or going to her cube and talking to her there each day. I could still see it meaning as her just being friendly. I've been biased with people I liked with regards to how they think of me. But hopefully I'm not wrong in this one.

I'm being baited (intentional or not?) and I'm gladly, helplessly and willingly taking the bait.

Even the Universe appears to be conspiring...I know I jokingly blamed it before, but it appears to be making amends. I heard that song while walking last saturday. Then when I rode the bus, Home Alone 2 was playing. Although I still remember what happened in the film, I've forgotten most of the dialogue, watching it back when I was young (and didn't understand these things). And if this exchange between the boy and the bird lady was not intended for me, well... I'll let you be the judge:

Bird Lady: The man I loved fell out of love with me. That broke my heart. When the chance to be loved came along again, I ran away from it. I stopped trusting people.
Kevin McCallister: No offense, but that seems like sort of a dumb thing to do.
Bird Lady: I was afraid of getting my heart broken again. Sometimes you can trust a person, and then, when things are down, they forget about you.
Kevin McCallister: Maybe they're just too busy. Maybe they don't forget about you, but they forget to remember you. People don't mean to forget. My grandfather says if my head wasn't screwed on, I'd leave it on the school bus.
Bird Lady: I'm just afraid if I do trust someone, I'll get my heart broken.
Kevin McCallister: I understand. I had a nice pair of rollerblades. I was afraid to wreck them, so I kept them in a box. Do you know what happened? I outgrew them. I never wore them outside. Only in my room a few times.
Bird Lady: A person's heart and feelings are very different than skates.
Kevin McCallister: They're kind of the same thing. If you won't use your heart, who cares if it gets broken? If you just keep it to yourself, maybe it'll be like my rollerblades. When you do decide to try it, it won't be any good. You should take a chance. Got nothing to lose.
Bird Lady: Little truth in there somewhere.

This should be the week or never, numbskull. Ok? Please.

Any further waiting on her side would no longer help my cause, I think. It might even tip the odds against me. If this is another unrequited thing, it would be better to get it over with as early as now. Not when I'm deeply obsessed and the wound has already festered.

Headache

“A man so painfully in love is capable of self-torture beyond belief.” 
- John Steinbeck

Open Letter

“One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple.” 
- Jack Kerouac

Hello.

I know I've been very, very slow. Left to my own devices, I probably would have slowed down to a halt. I have not done anything in forever and I blabber on that I'm going to do it but when push comes to shove I back out, horrified of the possibility that you would turn me down and reject me, or things would get awkward after that moment.

All unfounded fears, really. Because a lot of people have already turned me down in the past, some downright rejected me, some letting me down easy and some just plain ignoring me for the rest of their happy lives. I've survived somehow. I have moved on, I would say. It was a painful process because it does take me a long and hard time to take out my heart and offer it to them and I just can't get it back in any easier when things end up bad. It was so painful that I've always hesitated doing it again for a long time. And now I'm carving it out again and it's freaking me out. Freaking. Me. Out. If it doesn't work, I'll have to do it all again. Things have gotten so awkward in some cases that I never even talked to them again because it was never the same. Something was lost and apparently it was lost forever.

I know we don't even have that. We're not really close or anything, just friends, a little level over casual acquaintances. You have your walls and I have mine, and we even have different sets of friends. We used to be at different levels but now we have the same job. But still, we're working on different shifts, different teams, and now even on different floors. Such a wall of impossibility that I have never dared to climb in the past so I just tried not to think about it. I told myself that you will find someone else and that if I tried, it wouldn't have worked. But it was always at the back of my mind. That maybe if I put myself into it, I could make it work this time. But I waited for an opportunity that we could get closer.

And I waited. But it appears, you pretty content up there in your walls. And for a time, I was, too. I had all the time in the world for myself, to go places I wanted to go and do things I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do them. I had the money to give to my family and still have enough for myself and my simple joys. But as I've read, solitude will break you with its yearning. I have been the third wheel, and even the fifth wheel at times, and I tell you, it's not a good place to be. You would envy those couples, so happy with each other and wonder why no one is with you.  It was okay and I thought I could live with it. I'm generally a loner and my thoughts have been my unintended companions but I was usually fine with that.

But now, I'm not.

This yearning has taken its toll on me for weeks. Suddenly the urge to try is so strong I don't know where these feelings came from. Like a dam overflowing, it makes me think of nothing else. I knew I always liked you. You are beautiful and everyone knows it. That if there's anyone I would want to be with in the office, well, it would be you. I don't know a lot about you. And I've made that a basis of my inaction. But what I know and what I see and hear so far, I like. You're simple and bubbly, I've never seen you angry or sad. Always happy. And I like talking with you. Although that maybe in part because I do like you and I'm interested to know you that I want to talk with you. You brighten me day with each reply. Just the opposite when you don't. Never has the "seen" function been more painful as it is right now.

I know it's just the surface. Which is why I'm so hesitant to take the jump. I don't know if it's enough for me to push through with it. I'm not yet sure. But I guess if I don't make a move, I won't really know. I'm not blessed with such good looks or good fortune that women would take out their hearts in a heartbeat.

It would take a lot of work to build a siege tower for your walls.

I know I do have to ask you out. It's the only way to know you if you're not giving any ground or I can't see if you want me to. I've read people wrong before.

If I can make such a fuss over a 30-minute coffee break, what more can a date do. You see why it's so hard. I wouldn't know what I'm doing. I haven't done anything. My sister tells me, I play it too safe. And I do. But hopefully I'm honest enough that I could sway you and we could get comfortable with each other. And maybe have another date or two. And if it still fails, I would at least know that this time I tried and I did the things I never do.

But can you wait for me to take out my heart and put it out there? You can tell me to shove it back after, but please wait for me to get it out first and get you to look at it. Maybe you'll like what you see in me. What's the harm? I swear it won't take long, but I did hide it up so well it's hard to bring out. I'm talking about my heart, just in case we forgot.

But yeah, wait for me and I could make it worth your while.

Edge

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” 
- Louise Erdrich

It's almost 3 weeks after that last coffee break. And nothing's happened so far. How are the days blowing by so fast. I've been able to talk to her through facebook IM while she was away and although she wasn't regularly online, when she is, she replies. Maybe because I'm leaving her questions to answer (although she's not asking questions) but she gives me answers that I can proceed on.

I would think, that if she doesn't have an inkling as to what all this attention is about, is that she would be dense or too unassuming. I hope she thinks something is up, although that means I have to step it up and get to the point. I'm really hoping I can do this tomorrow. I admit I have been drinking for two nights already and no one's even thought to ask me anything about it when I feel like I desperately want to tell them I have no idea what I'm doing and ask them, what do I do. But everyone's got their own problems, I guess.

I feel like a pufferfish. Because other people seem to overestimate what I could do. Just because I could puff up very big doesn't mean I'm really capable. Maybe I'm really good at pretending most of the time, although when things that affect me very much are happening I can't really control myself. I need to do this because I've losing weight for all this thinking and I might have diabetes if I continue stressing about this. Every time she replies is a bright light in my day and I feel I can do it. And it could work you know. Stranger things have happened.

Just. Do. It.

I've been prone to pessimism ever since and this blog has been witness to my rants of self-doubt. Especially when it comes to relationships. I know better than to give voice to those thoughts but they really creep in and cause my inaction. I wish I could split up and let the positive me take over for a while. I've had my share of baggage and I just want some change around here. Really, how does it feel to be in a relationship?

I want this done. I don't want it to be over but I want this part of questioning the what ifs done. I'll just be honest tomorrow and take a chance, really. What's the worst that could happen? Maybe she'll reject me and never talk to me again, which being office mates will prove difficult. If she won't talk to me again, we're pretty much were we are right now. All we talk about is work. And I want to talk to her about different things. I'm thinking she has a lot to say, just like me. Just who to tell it to, maybe. And she did build a lot of walls maybe. Like me.

There is nothing to lose, right? Other people might know if I do fail, but it does mean I tried, after all this time, I do have to try. I know I have some future proposal of attempt in case things don't work very far in the future but really, NOW is what's important.

Bone for Tuna.

The Universe

“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.”  
― William Shakespeare

Well, I always know I can blame myself for anything that happens or doesn't happen. But last Thursday, I found out she was going out of the country for a week. And I will blame the Universe for it. Ha! I know I had a plan to do it last Wednesday and then I didn't, then pushed it to Friday. But she went down to our floor on Thursday and by then I still didn't know she was going on a vacation. I didn't go near her, I can't find an excuse to do so, aside from the fact that I do want to be near her. But I was looking at her from afar and I felt really, really tormented. "I don't think it would work" was all that I could think.

I know I wished for this feeling because it's really been a long time since I've been smitten. But I realized why it don't like it very much when I used to feel it before. But, yeah Universe, I blame you for it.

Before, I could push it out of my mind and just focus on something else, but now, I can't really focus on anything. It's on my mind constantly, and it feels like it's trying to get out, destroying my insides in the process. I've been trying to keep it in and I've been successful before. But now I just can't. Maybe it's true, solitude has broken me by its yearning. And I just owe it to myself to try.

Fears

“If you dare nothing, then when the day is over, nothing is all you will have gained.”  
― Neil Gaiman, The Graveyard Book

Nothing was gained indeed. I did a lot of tossing, turning and procrastinating. Then I gave up. I don't know. I stared at the screen for more than an hour. When I wanted to stop time it just sped forward even more. I hesitated and hesitated and hesitated time and again. I hate myself right now. This feeling is making me sick. Just a drop of the finger on the ENTER key and the world right now would have been different. I'm sorry. I'm just pretty damaged, I guess. I'm trying to remember what made me this way. I opened up some forgotten memories of how I squandered a lot of chances. I don't know why I tend to do that. There's like a very huge wall in front of me and I've tried to get over it a lot of times and I gave up for a while. Didn't even notice it right in front of my face. And now it's just worse. I can see it everywhere I look. How did those people do it? How did they get over their wall?

Maybe she's in the same place as me. Maybe I can dream on and think she's waiting for me to act. I gave a fleeting glance at her yesterday and I felt very sad. I'm very distracted these days I often find myself thinking. And I remember how I acted way back on college and why I felt that way. Because it's happening again. I need to do something. Need to take action. I just got to get this off my chest. I think it's unhealthy, this much longing. Very destructive. If I see her still tomorrow even though there's a super typhoon passing through the country, this would have to be done. I won't think anymore and I won't hesitate. This needs to be done, dammit, two weeks ago! I think the key is to push forward and don't wait for those automatic thoughts to kick in. Remember how happy I was when I did something. I need that drug again. I need an end if it won't work out.

Monologue

I've never been good at making plans. I never even had a planner. If I had to make a speech or a presentation, I make up some half-attempt at a plan on a piece of paper and hold it in my hand while I recite. It worked most of the time. I could usually wing it or make it up as I go along.

I've tried to make a plan for tomorrow. I even sat down with a pen and paper and set out to think what I should do. But I was never able to write anything concrete and I just threw the paper away.

Argh.

Preparation

"All things are ready, if our mind be so."
― William Shakespeare, Henry V

There are times I feel confident about what I'm planning to do. That it would work and she would say yes and then it would all go well and there would be another one. That although there might be awkwardness at the start, she'll warm up to it as it goes along and we'll both have a good time.

I've been having dreams about it too and I'm happy in them. I don't think I have ever been rejected in my dreams. Probably just means my subconscious is really very optimistic.

But doubt creeps like a thief and I'm suddenly aware of possibly failing. And I can't help thinking maybe I should back off and save myself some pain of again not being worth the trouble.

I wish there was a way I could put those times of confidence in some bottle of sorts and save them up for later when I need them most. Like storing up a mana potion that I could use for my confidence spell. But I think I'll also have to conjure an armor that will protect me from any form of rejection be it subtle, blatant or preemptive.

I would be ready with my bottle (too bad it's imaginary and not alcoholic because I could use some lack of inhibition) before I state my intent, open it up and take in all that confidence and just hit it out of the park. Maybe invoke an encouragement charm. Or like a mistborn flare some brass and soothe the other's emotions.

I don't have anything to lose, right? I mean, I'm currently with no one. And we'll still talk if she rejects me, although I think it would be professional. But first things first. There would be a time to figure out what will happen next once I state my intent.

Argh. I wish I could see the future and just see how I fare a week from now.

Inaction

“Pessimism becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy; it reproduces itself by crippling our willingness to act.”
― Howard Zinn, You Can't Be Neutral on a Moving Train: A Personal History of Our Times

Yep. You got it right. Bok-bokbok-bok-bok. Chicken.

An effing chicken is what I effing am.

I'm paralyzed with the fear of rejection. If pessimism was a slow-acting poison, I'm now reaping the side-effects.

Procrastination and Risk

"Procrastination is like masturbation. At first it feels good, but in the end you're only screwing yourself. " 
- Anonymous

“A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for.”
- William G.T. Shedd

"The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open."
– Chuck Palahniuk

I know I used that first quote before. And the first title as well. So I added two more quotes and two more words to the title, no need to thank me. Well, it was 6 six years ago and nobody cares. Besides, I would think this time the first quote and original title are more relevant than before. Who cares about studies nowadays, anyway? I graduated didn't I, although it took longer. And I think I got a good job afterwards. But hey, not a good example. We're getting off track.

So knowing myself, I do really think I need a lot of convincing to do something I really wanted to do all along. I know I want it but I want other people telling me I should go for it. Or telling me the other way around. I mean there's almost a sure way to get me to do what I other people want, and make me feel like I really wanted to do it. But I'm not going to tell you that. Maybe some of the people I know have an inkling regarding that, but they're not abusing it, thankfully.

Anyway.

Why is it so hard for me? Man, grow a pair already. I have put this off for months, if not years. I think she has an idea regarding this. I mean, out of nowhere, suddenly, it seems I'm all around her. She hasn't rejected it so far. There are times it seems she's reeling me in. But I've been keeping my distance as well. I don't know if that's just how she behaves or is there really something. Aaaaah!

I remember that duet back during the team outing last April. I've never seen her do that with anyone. I think I sung pretty bad. And I'll admit, I only wanted to go to that team outing because I knew she was coming as well. I mean, I actually blew off an old highschool friend who invited me to his wedding 3 weeks before, just so I can be with her. I wish there was a way to know what she thinks.

I've been shifting from thinking it would work, to thinking it won't. And gah, what torture. There are inifinite universes on the verge of being created by those two possibilities should I proceed on this undertaking. And as much as I don't want to, I can't help thinking about it very much.

I described her to my friend in one of our chats but I didn't mention her and she thought I was describing myself. And I realized it did sound like me. Maybe we have more in common than I thought. But still, a very big blind spot, it's dangerous to assume.

Need. To. Make. This. Work.

Never Easy

“Our doubts are traitors, 
and make us lose the good we oft might win, 
by fearing to attempt.” 
- William Shakespeare, Measure for Measure

What the hell? This is my sixth post in a month. Haven't been able to do that in years. Maybe I have been churning out as much as that content when blogging was such a popular thing and each blogger post was really an attempt to impress. Those days have passed. Micro blogging has become such a big thing now because people have always wanted instant things. There's just no more time in this busy, busy world for walls of text to read and comment about. No more time for other normal people's crap.

So what has inspired this much content? I am either very desperate for someone to tell this to or too doubtful and discouraged about things that I needed to let it out. It's probably both. I think a common side effect of infatuation is really inspiration, among other things. You just want to talk and talk and talk about it. And I kept not thinking about it for a long, long time that when I did started thinking about it, I am still shocked at how the dam just burst open.

Bottling up emotions is never a good thing.

I was in a bookstore yesterday looking at graphic novels to either buy or download later. There was a sale on all books in all their branches and I have been to 3 branches so far. While browsing through the books I noticed two people talking about comics. Maybe it was a testament to how the place was because they were conversing in pure English, with the accent and all.

The man was talking about which comics are good, giving some opinions and suggestions on the authors or the superheroes. The woman knew something about comics which was really rare for me to hear and was able to hold the conversation. I think they hit it off pretty good, because the man gave the "maybe we should get together sometime and have a chat and blah blah... can I get your number?" talk afterwards and the girl gave her facebook account.

And I was thinking at that time, man, how uncomplicated was that? It's like watching a basketball game and seeing a player do what seems to be a very easy move and you're thinking, "yeah, that was so easy I could do that". But in reality, when you're holding the ball, you realize that it was not really easy at all.


She has been frequenting my dreams, this Meadow. I think it means I'm thinking of her a lot that it's bordering on obsession. I know where it has led me in the past and I've got to stop as early as possible, nip it at the bud. Or else, I'll need more years to get over nothing again. I have a tendency to be obsessed and it never turned out good for me. But I can't nip it at the bud when a possibility still stares at my face. It was very easy getting over Mission Shining Light was because the way she ignored me at the start very much turned me off.

I have not yet been rejected but I haven't stated my intent yet either. I haven't told her what I feel. And I know it has to happen in a matter of weeks. Or I'll go insane with this.

Hurdle

"You already have the NO. Take the risk of getting the YES."
-anon

I know I already have a whole lot of "probably nothings". And if I don't risk a definite NO, I'm going to have more "probably nothings". But knowing something and doing something about it are a world's apart of difference. And I've always been stuck with the knowing part. I know what to do, but I'm not doing it.

The planned 2nd phase did not push through. Damn. After losing a lot of sleep about it, all it turned out was lost sleep and nothing more. But what can I do? She appeared to be very busy. I'm thinking she'd say no to another cup of coffee. And I know that I don't really know. In the alternate universe where I was confident, I could probably have made her say yes. Then gave a statement of intent and got an okay. Then maybe a date afterwards.

Oh what fun it is to live in that alternate universe and not be stuck here with self-doubting me.

But after talking with her through chat yesterday where I think there were good signs, I'm not sure if I was reading it correctly. Probably, she was just friendly. After all, we've known each other for more than 5 years and I haven't made a move except last Wednesday, and that was even vague to her I think.

Can I just make that jump? And to hell with the consequences. I want to be drunk today and lose my inhibitions and just do it. I want to do it. I'm just unreasonably scared that it won't work. I wonder what made me fear this much and what would it take to get over it.

Take-off

Who knows how much further we'll go on 
Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone 
I'll take my chances, I forgot how nice romance is 
I haven't been there for the longest time 
- Billy Joel, The Longest Time

I tried. I did, surprisingly.

The plan pushed through today, albeit with a few changes since not everything is exact science. I adapted with how comfortable I am and I can say I am satisfied with what happened, thank you very much.

I haven't shown all my cards, fortunately or unfortunately. But thinking back, opening too early is not really my thing. But I think it's a good sign, right? Because she agreed to go out for a cup of coffee with just the two of us. I don't know. I hope so.

We talked a lot even though it was only for half an hour because there was a meeting we had to go to after. Mostly about work and then some background. We were also together during the meeting. Hmm. I haven't done this ... hmmm... for the longest time. And it felt really good to finally do something.

I'm jabbering...

I've just taken off. And it's a small jump I know, considering. There are still more jumps to go.

But I'm happy now. And that is all that matters today.

Tomorrow is another day.

T-Minus

“We pass through this world but once. Few tragedies can be more extensive than the stunting of life, few injustices deeper than the denial of an opportunity to strive or even to hope, by a limit imposed from without, but falsely identified as lying within.”  
― Stephen Jay Gould, The Mismeasure of Man

I am hesitating. The plan is today, because I feel like I'm getting sick thinking about it all the time. The past week was terrible. I'm having fits of sleep, constantly waking up. It's torture. The urge to try is very strong. But today, faced with the time to act, the fear is creeping up my throat. I'm thinking I'm so tense I can't relaxed. I wanted it over. But I don't want it over over. If this fails, this means we read a lot of wrong signs. There's probably nothing we can expect from this afterwards. But hey, at least we'll know right. And here I am convincing myself to push through with it. 

Try, goddammit.

What do I have to lose? Failed so many times, there's probably nowhere else to go but succeed, right? And how can we succeed if we first don't try. But if  I fail once more, it'll sting again and I hate that feeling. I'm tired of it. What the hell is wrong with me that it doesn't succeed? But I should probably save the self-pity later if it doesn't work. Since we still don't know and I'm still here in my cube convincing myself to push through with it.

Try, goddammit.

Try to think positive. Breathe. Calm yourself. Remember the times it worked, not the times it failed. Remember those Sundays, and those 2 days, and that one day. It somehow worked then, right? And you can remember those fondly. Those were good memories. How much will it hurt to try?

TRY.

Retox

"...so boycott love, detox just to retox" 
- Fall Out Boy, Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes

I see them walking up the platform one by one, in the midst of the rain. Nervous smiles in their faces as their guides fasten their safety ropes to do the feat. There were sounds of metals clanging in the pulley, like a tragedy waiting to happen, but they push through anyway. They sit as the platform lowers and they're hanging by the edge of that cliff, raindrops on their faces. Time seems to stop... and then they drop.

I watched them sway from cliff to cliff obviously having the time of their lives, arms outstretched and waiting for the guides to pull them back up. Why did I have to be the last one to do it? After they are safe back up I walk the platform myself, nervous, but I really can't back off now. Not when they've all done it. They fasten hooks and ropes and stuff and walked me by the edge. As I sat at the platform with my hands on the safety cable, I was lowered until I hang on the edge several feet above the ground, a river raging below my feet. If the rope fails it would be my last moment. My heart was thumping away like it was trying to leave my chest. Who knows what will happen next? I did not know if anyone died attempting The Plunge, but it was not impossible that I'd be the first. Time seems to stop...


It's the same feeling I have right now. Like I'm attempting a big jump. Or a big fall. I haven't been here for a long, long while, maybe I've been afraid all this time. Maybe it took a long time to get rid of it in my system before. And I never wanted a taste of it again. The pain becomes bearable but the sting never leaves for a long time. But when it does, we get over. Like a clean slate we can start anew.

But then what do we do? We choose our next poison, and take it in just the same.

I have begun thinking it was not for me. And that might still be the case. I look at some of the people around me that are or were in a relationship and I can't imagine myself being like that. But I want to know how it feels like. Yes, I'll admit I want it very much. I've become used to be by myself alone, and it has been fine. I'm just beginning to think that I want it another way.

And maybe I'll fail again. No surprises there if that happens. I have never been successful in this particular area. Maybe Meadow won't even give me a chance. Or maybe give me a chance and I'll fail miserably. I don't know.

But I do have to try. I have to try.

Overanalysis

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"

- Robert Schuller

I can’t stop thinking about this.

I’m trying to remember how it started again, because I have buried this at the back of my mind and then it resurfaced again. Maybe the dreams brought it back. Maybe that new couple in the office did. I’m not sure. But now I can’t stop thinking again.

I can say I’m fairly content with my current state. I mean, I could buy what I want if it's reasonable and do what I want. No real big problems aside from the usual I'm an atheist hiding in the midst of theists.
I have stability. But maybe it's true that we're insatiable beings. We always look for more...

If there is one thing I want right now, well, you know I wanted to have a girlfriend. Such a loser statement, damn it, but I can’t help it if it’s true. I've been spending my weekdays and Saturdays alone, really, and although it’s been fine for a long time, I’m beginning to wish I could have it another way. I've been going places alone and I still find it enjoyable, even though it means most of the time, I eat out alone or do most things alone. It’s just that, I would like to know how it feels like to walk the mall or go somewhere with someone. I think I had that, way, way back in college and one other time after.

But it has been a drought, I tell you. A dry spell, if you will. I believe it has been by choice. Some people have a hard time getting over unrequited love and I took a long time. It made me miss opportunities, I guess, but I’m stubborn and I accept it. I have always believed that I shouldn't force the issue and wait for things to happen. But maybe sometimes, those things are waiting for you.

A week or two ago, we had some discussion with some in the team. I've been asking them personal questions and they wanted to ask me some in return. They asked me if I ever had a girlfriend. And I said I haven't had one. It's a usual question and I've figured out how to answer it without sounding like a loser. They asked if I had crushes in the office and I told them I did. Who doesn't, right? They asked if I ever courted anyone in the office. And I said I did not. Not one in almost six years. I figured I could give them a reason that there were circumstances that hindered that, blah blah. But the next question was a good one:

Was there anyone in the office that I would have courted if I could, but I didn't and why.

In retrospect, I think there might be several. But at that moment when the question was asked, I could only think of only one. We'll call her Meadow.

Updates

Hmm. Naaalala nyo ba yung trabahong nabanggit ko sa inyo sa nakaraang post? Kalimutan nyo na, kasi hindi naman yun natuloy. Di na tumawag ulit after nung huling interview. Inaamin ko, hindi ko pinaghandaan yung interview. Nagdesisyon na rin kasi akong manatili dito sa pinagtratrabahuan ko. At yung resulta ng interview parang 50-50. May sablay akong mga sagot. Meron din namang tingin ko ay ok. Pero tingin ko bago maghanap ulit ng work, kailangan maayos ko na ung mga sasabihin ko. Panglumang role pa kasi yung pinaghandaan ko.

Yun lang naman. Iniisip ko kung ano pang nangyari nung August. Nagsick leave pagkabalik galing Cebu-Bohol. 2 araw dahil sa gastroenteritis. Nagdeliryo ulit. Hmmm, natengga sa bahay nung Maring, 2 araw na malakas ang ulan at nawala yung susi ko sa kensington kaya di ko naiuwi yung laptop. Instant vacation leave tuloy. Nawala ata yung susi nung nakasama ako sa libre sa Hooters. (Nasan na kaya yung picture ko nung nasa US dun sa hooters. Di na napost.) Nagbirthday ang pamangkin ko sa pinsan. Bumalik ulit ako ng bahagya sa pagdrodrowing.

Decisions

“The hardest thing about the road not taken is that you never know where it might have led.” 
― Lisa Wingate, A Month of Summer

Hmm. Pasensya, halos 2 buwan na naman akong hindi gumawa ng entry. Nangyayari naman yun kahit active blogger, pano pa kaya kung tulad kong seasonal atang maituturing. Tapos may kausap din kasi ako sa facebook tungkol sa mga bagay bagay kaya naman parang mas madali magkwento dun kasi yun nagrereply, di tulad nyo basa lang nang basa. Hehe.

Hmmm. Nagpunta pala kami ng Cebu at Bohol last week, 6 days 5 nights. Nagfile nga ako sa opis ng VL for 5 days kaso pagbalik ko, nagkasakit naman ako. Baka tengga sa bahay ng 3 pang araw. Acute gastroenteritis daw saka UTI. Saka ko na ikwekwento yun kung sakali dahil di yun ang bumabagabag sa isip ko ngayon.

Nitong mga nakaraang linggo may tumawag sa akin opurtunidad para sa ibang trabaho sa ibang bansa. Nung una, gusto ko lang malaman kung hanggang saan mapupunta. tapos napagtanto kong hindi ko gusto ang contractual position na gusto nila i-offer. Nagdecline ako. Kaso tumawag sila ulit at tinaasan ang sweldo, halos doble kung itatapat sa monthly ko. Nagdecline pa rin ako at sinabi kong di ako komportable na contract position sya. Tumawag ulit at sinabing pagkatapos ng anim na buwan ay para ihire na. Hmmm. Umayon na rin akong mainterview.

Nakatapos na ako ng 2 interview, isa mga 15 mins, yung isa tiningnan lang ata hitsura ko sa camera. Bukas meron pang isa. Hmm. Kinakabahan? Oo. Meron namang kaba bawat interview para sa akin kahit nung wala naman akong balak kunin yung work. Last year ata naka-apat ako na interview. Hmm. Sa lahat ng yun, isa lang ata napasa ko (di ko lang sigurado kung walang kinalaman yung asking salary ko dun sa iba). Madami na nangyari pagkatapos nun. Naging team lead na ako. Ok ang team na napunta sa akin. Ok ang manager. Gaya ng sinabi ko sa lahat ng nakausap ko, pinaka-OK na sa lahat ng naging manager ko. Pangit pa rin ang metrics, mahirap pa rin para sa mga bago, pero di na ako ganun ka-apektado. Di na kasi ako "doer" ika nga, more on management na. Pwede nga kung gugustuhin ko, na lumipas ang isang araw na wala akong ginagawa. Lalo na kung hindi maingay ang mga project. It's a comfortable and stable job.

Ano ba ang negative? Hmmm. Comfort zone ko na sya, di na ganun ka-challenging siguro madalas. Pero minsan challenging pa rin naman. Hmmm. Parehong ofis pa rin for 5+ years, medyo nakakasawa na rin siguro. Sweldo, syempre. Pero kung tutuusin ok na ok naman na yung nakukuha ko ngayon. May extra na akong panggastos sa mga luho at nakakaipon pa din. GF na nga lang ang kulang e. Hehe. Gusto ko ba maging manager, bakit hindi in the future, pero baka 2-3 years pa yun, malayo pa. pero malay natin, di rin natin masasabi, kasi kung sinabi mo sa akin nung July 2012 na magiging Team Lead ako ng August baka tinawanan pa kita sa sobrang malayo mangyari yun sa tingin namin nung mga panahon na yun. Buti nga nalimutan na nung iba na nakipagpustahan ako na pag naging senior ako within 2012 e ililibre ko sila lahat.

Hmmm. Dun sa isang trabaho ano ba ang positive? Hmmm. Yung sweldo. Pero pag sinum-up ko naman yung lahat ng allowances at bonuses, 15% lang ang difference kung vs salary lang nila. May nag-offer nga ng contractual sa akin nasa ganun din ang presyo dito pa yun sa Pilipinas. Ibang workplace, ibang lugar pero abroad, malayo sa pamilya. Baka mahomesick. Pero nung nasa US naman di naman ako nahomesick. Madali na rin kasi ngayon makipagcommunicate dahil sa internet.

Haay. Nahihirapan ako magdecide. Di ko alam, parang ayaw ko iwan yung team kasi ok naman. Balak ko nga hanggang PM na ako magsstay dun baka kung nagkataon. Pero di kaya sayang yung oppurtunity? Wala pa naman. Baka di pa pumasa sa interview bukas pero hmmm. Pano kung pumasa, makakatanggi pa ba ako? Anong mas mabigat?

Kung last June dumating yung ganito, walang kurap yung isang trabaho agad ang pipiliin ko. Malaking factor siguro yung team na rin saka yung manager. Ok kasi. Pero pano kung wala sila, magsstay ba ako? Kasi di rin naman sila fixed na nandun. Lilipat din yung iba pag nagtagal. Pano kung magreshuffle at biglang malipat ng team? Sapat ba ang pag-asa na baka pag tumagal maging manager din ako? Kung lumipat naman ako, may tsansa ba na umangat naman ako o puro ganun na lang ang gagawin ko hanggang tumanda ako.

Tamang tama yung quote sa taas. Mahirap kasi di mo alam kung ano talaga yung mangyayari kung yung isa yung pinili mo.

Alin kaya? Stay or go?

Messed Up People This Week

So it's been days and I did not act on what I felt that past weekend. And just like what happened weeks before, the feeling has ebbed somewhat. Probably means if I don't let it prosper, it would not really grow. And if I don't think about it that much, it would not get any worse.

I had two days off after last weekend and though I contemplated on leaving the house and watching the StarTrek movie by myself, I ended up not leaving the house at all for two days. I just alternated from watching anime / tv / movie, to building gunpla and playing Arkham Asylum. So I did not feel rested at all when I got back at the office. Everything's busy again and we forget.

Someone stole my headset while I was sleeping at the office. I had it on me while I was sleeping at the quiet room and when I woke up, it was gone. It was a good headset, dammit. An AudioTechnica SJ55. I was fond of it because even after a year it was still working OK. Then it was just gone. I may have wanted to replace it but I did not want to lose it that way. I hope I never catch that thief because I want to give him a good beating even if I get suspended for it. When you're already earning money, I don't understand why you would still steal from others. I mean poor people would have their reasons but you have a job...you shouldn't have to steal from others. That is just messed up. And even though I don't believe anymore in heaven or hell, I hope you get what you deserve, in this life or in the next. May the hands that you use to steal from others fail you when you need them.

Someone shouted swear words at my father last weekend. A driver of another car who must be in a real hurry to shout at my father for blocking the road for 10 seconds just so my mother can get out of the car. I was appalled at that guy's attitude. I don't know what made him act that way, but I hope he learns a lesson. Though my father was wrong that time since he did block the road, he did not need be cursed at. A shame unto him, for he even had a child on the passenger seat when he shouted obscene words at us. May you encounter someone who wouldn't stand for what you say and make you eat your words.

Drunken Revelations pt.2

“After the first glass, you see things as you wish they were. After the second, you see things as they are not. Finally, you see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world.” - Oscar Wilde

Sabi nga nila pag nakainom nawawala ang mga inhibition mo… may mga di naman sumasayaw pero bigla na lang humahataw nang wala sa sarili… may mga sobrang seryoso sa buhay na bumabalik sa pagkabata at nagiging maharot at makulit… may mga tahimik na bigla na lang nagiging makwento. Minsan, nagiging makatotohanan din ang usapang lasing lalo na pag seryoso.

Di pa ako ganun kalasing nung panahon na yun para sabihin lahat, kahit na hmmm… iniisip ko kung mas maganda kung nasabi ko na din yun. Para may makaalam na kung sino talaga yung gusto ko “iprospect”(?) at mapilitan na akong may gawin…di yung ganitong puro overanalysis na naman ako at puro pagpapaliban…

Pero mabalik tayo sa usapan… napansin ko na sa lahat ng naging parte ng lovelife ko na umabot naman ng mutual understanding phase, e tila sinabotahe ko bago maging higit pa kaysa dun. Ayos na ang standing ko e, tapos para bang unti unti e natutulak ko sila palayo. May mga bagay akong ginagawa o di ginagawa at ang nangyayari lumalabo ang tsansa ko… tapos aayaw agad ako sa sandaling magmukhang malabo. Kesyo ayaw ko ipilit ang sarili ko sa ayaw sa akin o kung ano pang dahilan maisip ko.

Takot ba ako mag-commit? Hmmm. Napansin ko na baka nga totoo... Di lang ako takot ma-reject. Takot din ako pag nagtuloy-tuloy. At minsan pinipili ko pang mareject na lang. Naaalala ko inisip ko nun sa isa, “mukhang mas magiging masaya sya dun sa isa kaysa sa akin”. Anong gagawin ko kung sakaling kami na, dami-daming gagawin siguro, etc... Dun nga sya napunta sa isa, pero di na rin naman sila ngayon kaya siguro di rin sya ganun kasaya.

Baka nga naman di ko binigay lahat nung “nanliligaw” ako sa kanila. May mga bagay akong pwedeng gawin pero pinili kong hindi na lang. Baka sayang sa effort. Baka mauwi lang sa wala. Baka pumalpak. Alam ko mali, pero hmmm, minsan talaga iba ang alam mo sa ginagawa mo. Baka makapagbigay pa ako ng mabuting payo sa ibang tao pero mukhang ako mismo di ko kayang sundin ang payo ko.

Bakit ko ba sinasabi ito dito. Nagmumukha lang akong loser. Siguro gusto ko lang maupo at isipin ang mga ganitong bagay, lalo na wala naman akong kausap sa mga ganito. Maiisip ko lang kung ita-type ko o isusulat at matagal-tagal na rin akong di nagsusulat… Baka pag sinabi ko sa iba e kung ano pa isipin nila. Walangjo. Matanda na ako ganito pa din. Marami sa kilala ko may asawa na o kaya nasa long term relationship. Ako ni ha ni ho, wala pa. Hmmm.

Kailangan ko ba malasing ulit para malinawan?

Drunken Revelations pt.1

“I can honestly say that I was never affected by the question of the success of an undertaking. If I felt it was the right thing to do, I was for it regardless of the possible outcome” – Golda Meir

Dahil nitong mga huling buwan ay sobrang toxic sa trabaho at dahil na rin siguro napag-alaman na ng mga empleyado wala nang company outing this year dahil “maliit” lang daw kinita ng company (mga 100+ million dollars lang kasi), napagplanuhan mag-outing ng mga team lead sa amin. At dahil pangkat pinuno na rin ako, kasama na ako dun. Sa totoo lang nagkalimutan na kung kelan talaga ito, kaya nagulat na lang ako nung nakaraang Miyerkules nung nalaman ko na sa Sabado na pala. Tinamad na ako sumama nung una dahil balak ko din pumunta ng SM North nung sabado para tingnan yung mga sumali sa gunpla competition… pero dahil meron din akong, hmm, ulterior motive(?), e yung outing na lang ang pinili ko.

Masaya naman ang naging outing. May napuntahan kaming kainan na sa subic lang ata meron – yung Chowking este Xtremely Xpresso Café. Parang gastro dahil kain lang kami ng kain. Tapos marami napagkwentuhan at puro tawanan. Yun nga lang di na ako nakalusong sa dagat dahil pagkadating namin sa kwarto tulog agad ako (wala pang tulog dahil diretso ako galling night shift) pero sa pagkakaalala ko naman di rin naman ganun ka-espesyal ng beach sa part na yun. Kaya ok lang kahit di nakalublob

Nung gabi ng sabado, pagkatapos kumain sinimulan na naming ubusin ang naturingan tubig ng buhay. Akala ko nung una, kukulangin ang nabili dahil marami kami pero nung huli, mahina pala ang mga kalaban. Hehe. Walo lang kasi sa amin ang uminom, at madami ang maagang nalasing. Isang baso ang umiikot at isang baso para sa matatalo sa larong "jackass". Bale yung jackass ay isang drinking game kung saan may mga katumbas na gagawin ang bawat card sa isang deck. Kunyari, Ace ang nabunot, magbibigay ng category yung nakabunot tapos lahat magbibigay ng example. Ang walang maisip o magkamali o magsabi ng nasabi na, iinom. Tapos bubunot ng panibagong card yung susunod.

Nung naisipan ko na magkwento ng lovelife kong masalimuot, tatlo na lang kaming natira sa mesa. At habang nagkwkwento ako, nakatulog na rin yung isa. Habang kinukwento ko, napansin nung kausap ko na may pattern yung mga nangyari. Hmm. Di ko rin naisip yun, bukod sa karamihan ng pakikisalamuha ko ay hanggang mutual understanding lang umabot at tila nag-seself sabotage ako... sabi nya, hindi pa raw kami ng prospect ko e nagpapakita na raw ako ng bad side ko. Sabi ko naman hindi ko naman basta basta pinapakita yun. Pag napuno lang ang salop. Ganun lang talaga akong tao, hindi mo dapat pinupuno ang salop ko dahil mag-lalash out ako. Pakiramdam ko naman pasensyoso akong tao pero meron lang mga time na pag sunod sunod na yung ginawa mo at nagcountdown na ako sa sarili ko tapos tinuloy mo pa din gumawa ng di maganda sa akin, nagdidilim na ang mundo...

Obligatory Birthday Post

Birthday ko na naman. Nahuli lang ng konti si PNOY kaya di nya na-declare na holiday ngayon. Pero di bale, holiday naman kahapon para sa inyo. Walang anuman, Pilipinas.

3 hours ata kami sa presinto kahapon, parang hinuli na rin kami imbis na bumoto sa tagal ng proseso ng botohan. Buti na lang at gumagana yung PCOS sa cluster namin. Yung sa kabila kasi nag-iinarte. Ang init, para na rin akong nag-exercise sa tinagaktak kong pawis. Dapat may priority lane din kapag malapit na ang birthday. O kaya express lane kung konti lang iboboto mo, parang sa supermarket. 8 senators or less.

May mga binoto akong pasok sa pagka-senador sa huling bilang, meron ding hindi. Iniisip ko na lang, at least yung ibang ayaw ko di rin pasok sa magic 12. haay... marami pa rin talagang hindi informed na Pilipino, ang masakit, mas marami sila sa mga informed. Hindi magandang pangitain para sa susunod na halalan.

Pero teka, araw ko ngayon kaya tama na ang tungkol sa kanila...

Salamat sa Facebook at maraming nakaalala at bumati. Hehe. Nasa 30+ na ata sila. Salamat.

Lahat ng na-wish ko nung 2007, nakuha ko naman na at lampas pa kaya masaya ako pag naalala ko. Akalain mo. Kung magka-time machine lang ako, sasabihan ko yung 21 year old na ako at sasabihin kong makukuha mo din yang mga yan. Magkakatrabaho ka rin kahit akala mo sa mga panahon na yan e bagsakin ka at wala nang kukuha sayo. Magiging ok rin ang lahat kahit paano.

Kung magkatimemachine sana yung 28 year old na ako at balikan ako ngayon. Sana sabihin naman nya, "di mo aakalain pero magkaka-girlfriend ka na bago ka magbirthday ulit". Hehe. Yun na lang siguro ang wish ko ngayon lol. Di naman ako nagmamadali. Pero wth, antagal naman...

What If

“It is a risk to love.
What if it doesn't work out?
Ah, but what if it does.” ― Peter McWilliams

I felt a compulsion to blog today and I gave in, although I'm not sure if I'll have a lot to talk about. Weekend work is over for two Sundays now and hopefully until the end of this month. I'm not sure on May since there's another project approaching a strict deadline. Oh well, such is life. It's not like there are no deadlines in other jobs anyway.

I removed the cbox on the blog because it's just spam everyday. I don't know those "people" and they keep saying the same annoying things. Also, there's no sense to keep it there when I can't even track its updates like I used to when it felt like everyone was blogging and we felt that it would somehow last.

So I was in a team outing yesterday and I noticed how the times had changed. I remember back during my first team outing at work and there were only two of us new hires. Now, I'm one of the oldest in the team and a team lead at that. I feel old. Sometimes I forget my age for a fleeting moment and think I am in my early 20s. But it is not so.

There's someone in that team...

I'm having a continuous correspondence through FB with one of my college friends and we have noticed that a lot of the people we know are getting married and / or having a baby. What happened? We did felt being left behind somehow, although I can blame her for that somewhat (which is water under the bridge). At least she's in a relationship (although on a rocky road for a while) while I am yet to find myself in one.

Unrest Day

Hmmm. Labag na labag na sa loob kong mag-weekend work. Ika-apat ko nang Linggo na nasa opisina at di ko na alam ang gagawin ko pag sa susunod na Linggo ay kailangan na namang pumasok. Anak ng baka. Linsyak na project to, sobra nyong atat ah. Namamatay ba lahat ng pasyente sa Amerika pag di namin naituloy ang migration project na to. Hindi naman kasama sa elapsed days ang weekend ah. Etong onshore naman namin masyadong pushover, konti ngalngal lang ng client, wala nang palag. Hiningan lang ng org chart pati gusto ata nilang kulay ng boxes sa chart gusto itanong. Kala mo naman ang laki ng hirap nya e utos lang sya ng utos. Ni wala sya naintindihan dito, parang pipitik lang sya ng kamay gusto nya tapos agad. Kala mo kung sino maka-escalate.

Porke ba pangkat pinuno ako e wala na akong choice? Letsugas. Bakit yung ibang tao ko pwedeng di pumasok. Puro dahilan. Hay naku, sirang sira ang non-existent social life ko dahil sa opisina. Puro trabaho buong linggo. Pakiramdam ko na naman ay isang patpat na pinipilit itupi, konting pilit pa, mababali na. Tama pa ba ang trabahong ito kung inuubos na nito ang buhay ko?

Mission Abort?

I did the jump. It sort of succeeded... and then it did not. Really out of this kind of thing for a long long time. I did not know what to do. Ugh. Can you hit me with a proverbial bat to the head? Probably hesitated too long. But what can I do, there are a lot of things to do at work and there's not just enough time to think about it. But maybe I am over-thinking it, and i think it shows. Probably need to hold until some kind of light shines through or until I could find another way to proceed.

UPDATE: 11.23.2013
- kaya naman pala, mukhang may bf na sya nung mga panahon na yun. nagpropose na nga ngayong buwan e. akalain mo. wala naman kasing nakalagay sa status nya. tapos wala rin namang mga picture. kung wala pa syang bf nun, baka may prospect na... kaya di na nag-entertain... pero kung wala pa talaga, waw, ambilis naman kasal agad. e maka-dyos naman sila pareho. pastor pa yung lalaki. mas bagay nga naman sila. ok na din siguro at di natuloy.

Jump

"If you want something you've never had, you must be willing to do something you've never done" - Thomas Jefferson

February pa rin naman at kahit pano aabot naman ako ng 1 post kada isang buwan. siguro naman improvement na rin yung maituturing, di ba?

Ok, so update muna tungkol sa trabaho. tingin ko kahit pano nakapag-adjust naman na ako sa pagiging pangkat pinuno. hindi ko siguro mapapansin yun kung di ko nakita yung mga lumang conversation namin nung manager ko, nung una nya pa lang inalok yung position. wala akong ka-alam alam kung ano ang gagawin. pano ba hahawak ng tao. pano ba magpa-meeting? pano magtraining? anong sasabihin ko sa kanila? pano ko sila sasawayin kung pasaway sila?

sh*t lang

inabot na ako ng a-kinse... di pa rin nakapagpost.
akala ko pa naman magbabago na ako. nye.

Boom!

"Cheers to a new year and another chance to get it right."

Bagong taon na naman. Susubukan ko ulit ibalik ang blog ko. Tutal, di naman natuloy ang end of the world, life goes on, ika nga nila. Pinagsama-sama ko na naman ang hiwa-hiwalay kong post na nilipat-lipat ko ng blog at eto na ulit sila ngayon sa iisang blog. 8 years of blogging pero parang wala pa atang two years kung pagsasama-samahin ang mga buwan na aktibo pa akong nagsusulat (nagtatype) sa blog. Nakalimutan ko na rin siguro kung paano.

Karamihan ng mga kasabayan ko ay nawala na. Masyadong time-consuming ang blogging kung tutuusin. Pag nagsusulat ka at nababasa ng ibang tao, kung gusto mong balikan nila ang kwento mo, di naman laging basura ang ipapabasa mo sa kanila. O at least kung basura man dapat kahit pano natutuwa sila. Mahirap lang siguro din ituloy nung nagkaroon ako ng mga bagay na mahirap ikwento sa madla. At tumahimik si ninong... namatay ang blog.

Pinilit kong buhayin pero ewan ko ba, sadyang wala na lang ba talaga akong gana talaga at lagi lang din napupunta sa kawalan ang mga effort kong magbalik. Pero eto. Bagong taon, tamang tama para magsimula muli.