Friday, December 13, 2013

The December Incident

“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.” 
- Anaïs Nin

I remember being in this position a decade ago. At around this time many years past, I have had thoughts like this. Should I go through with it? I was still not sure about what I feel at the time. I would like to know her better, and I like being with her and talking with her, etc. But what if she said no. Things would get very awkward... such a waste because we were getting close those past months. I mean, before that was only little goth and back then I never tried with anyone else. I did not know how these things were supposedly done.

Nothing has really changed even after 10 years, it's no longer funny. That when it comes to things like this, I still make things difficult for myself.


I remember there was supposed to be a letter because it was already Christmas break, and she was already back at her province. There was no way I could talk to her personally. I had typed it on a word document and saved it on a diskette. I've forgotten what it was exactly about, and sadly I don't have a copy of it anywhere. But in general, I think it was a confession of my feelings and how I believe I got there or something.

I think I was planning to send her an email (copy paste and then send) and the thing was on the diskette that I was carrying on my way to my friend's house that day. Why an email? Maybe so if she rejected me, I wouldn't know it right away. Internet was still a scarce thing back then, we didn't have it so it would take days if not weeks before I know her reply. At my friend's house, I was using his internet because I had to get my schedule for the following term. I was talking to her through chat about sections and other things. But then, my two friends who were with me and knew her but didn't know what I feel about her, had an idea...

In what would be forever ingrained in my memory as the "December incident", they immobilized me and typed words at the chat in my stead, telling her that I liked her and such.

It was a nightmare. I had to take back what I supposedly "said", right?

I should tell her that it was all a joke, that it was a prank that they pulled on me that affected her. They said I should be getting a girlfriend already, and I was too slow, they decided to speed things up. But seeing my furious reaction to what they did, they thought I did not like her and were apologizing like crazy. I was ignoring them, as I was focusing on how to fix the mess they put me into.

So, I explained that I wasn't the one who typed those words, but my friends. She was getting confused, I think. She no longer knew who was saying what, and was it all a joke? What's the truth? Then I dropped the bomb.

"It's ok," I typed. "because what they said is true."

I don't think I have the exact same situation now, 10 years later. I'm supposedly older and more mature, right? Things should have gotten easier by now. But, alas, this is still as difficult as it was before.

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