Monday, December 16, 2013


“Maybe there's something you're afraid to say, or someone you're afraid to love, or somewhere you're afraid to go. It's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt because it matters.” 
- John Green

What a week, eh? What a week.

We have postponed this time and again, and have thought of times when we should do it. We still haven't. I don't know. There are times I've thought maybe there's already someone making a move. I mean I there's that one guy hanging around her and they've known each other for a long time. I don't know if he was friend-zoned or he's gay or what is going on. If he haven't tried already, I'm thinking he is gay. Not that there's anything wrong with it, just that I can't imagine being that close to her and not even trying.

Look who's talking, but in my defense, I'm not that close to her as he is, you see. So maybe he's affecting my plans, unintentionally. Because I can't get her alone when they're hanging around her all the time. If they're eating together and going home together (albeit always with other people and never just the two of them), won't you think there's something going on? Or maybe I'm just making excuses not to go through with it. Such fear of the unknown.

I'm paralyzed with thoughts of her. If I'm always thinking about this, I should do something about it, right? How else can I get it to stop. When I never seem to want to...

Last Wednesday we had the Christmas party with her team, of which some people are part of mine. Confusing, but that's bureaucracy for you, I guess. But I'm not complaining here. I gleaned off some things being with her. Maybe I'm getting blind here, but those things I see, I still like. And yes, I found out I do want to be close to her...

The next day, I saw her again where we ate dinner. She was with her other friends at another table. And I couldn't resist going near her. Even if I'm just asking about a little thing, using it as an excuse to go over. I'm also looking at her when I could. I wonder if my pupils are dilated when I do.

Last Saturday during the year-end party, I even imagined talking to her alone and maybe asking her then and there. But alas, that morning of Saturday, I got sick. I vomited twice on the bus going home and was feeling so sick. I think I even got a fever. But still, I went to the year-end party. Because I already bought something to wear. And there's a penalty if you registered and did not attend. And I could see her as well. I won a 500 php gift check for my trouble, so the night wasn't a total waste.

But strangely, when I saw her, she never even seemed to look at me. It was strange. We never even talked the whole night. I don't even have a picture with her. She was very distant that night. But she looked beautiful. As always. But alas, as the night went on, instead of getting better, I felt even more and more sick. I had a terrible headache. I can't stand for too long. And I felt like vomiting again. I wanted to lie down on a bed and sleep it off. So I did steer away from her. There were several plans for an after party but after too much ado, I just went back to the office to rest. I found out she and her friends also went home after coffee. I was able to chat with her for a short time. I was the last message again. But it felt good that I talked with her.

Hard to read people, really. Maybe knowing one's thoughts is a good enough superpower for me. I would really like telekinesis or teleportation or time travel. But definitely knowing her thoughts will trump those powers right now.

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