Monday, December 2, 2013

Chasing Pavements

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” 
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Another month has come and gone and all I've got to show for it are a number of chats and a few visits to her cubicle. Not a date. Not even a statement of intent. Not even another coffee break. This appears to be going nowhere because I am unable to push myself to even attempt and get this over with. Should I just stop it? It will give me peace in the short run. I mean if I could get rid of these thoughts of trying and making it work, maybe I could sleep again in peace, without the thought gnawing at me like I forgot something important.

I don't know how to make it work. I'm doing what I think I can to inch ever closer but it seems that there's a big wall I have to get over first if I'm to proceed. A barrier that needed breaking. She's very cautious indeed. I don't know, but there are times I can't elicit a response from her through FB. Too busy? I don't know. Whatever does she do? She isn't online every time and when she is it's barely 10 mins. I couldn't text her because she's using the company phone, maybe she thinks it's an abuse of the company expense. I can't invite her to coffee when she's going home in the wee hours of the morning because she's too busy. How then?

She's not offering a lot of options to continue the conversation, and I've been racking my brain for witty responses every time and sometimes there's just none... :(

Last Friday, when I was about to ask her out for coffee, she wasn't there. Apparently, she was in a meeting. I'm almost wishing I'm in the same team as her, so even though I'll have more work, I'll have a reason to talk to her every time. But I'm currently in a good team and I can't trade that right now. I had to make an excuse to visit her and so I placed the "monito-monita" gift in the box near her cube and I stayed there for a good hour. Someone who knows about it even saw me.

But mainly what we talked about was work and also, one of our colleagues. I learned that she was joining a Run that Saturday morning so I figured she wouldn't be able to go anywhere afterwards, waking up too early and all. I though she was going with the other lead (which I think is either friend-zoned or fighting a war of attrition). I think I thought I should have joined the run as well if I knew she would be there.

Later that Saturday I found out that she did not join the run and the she was partnered up with another not the one I thought, maybe because it was already way past midnight when she went home. But then she had to visit our colleague who recently gave birth at the hospital so if I tried to ask her out then, that probably wouldn't have transpired either. So now two Saturdays of my December are blocked, the Sunday after the YEP will most probably not work either. So it's just this Sunday, the weekend after the leads' YEP, then the weekend after that blah blah...

All these days mean nothing though, if I wouldn't even try.

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