Selective Amnesia

Don't put your happiness in other people's hands.  
They'll drop it. 
They'll drop it every time. 
- C.Barzak


So apparently, the bridge is gone. I still don't know what happened. I wonder if I'll ever know. I see her but there's just nothing that connects us now. I would like to say that I burned the bridge on my side myself, that I set a flame to all of it and that I watched gleefully as it disintegrated in front of me. But who are we kidding? We all know she has severed the bonds beforehand.

A part of me wants to know what the hell happened, for her to cut me off like that, but my pride wouldn't let me be the first to talk to her. There was a slight we couldn't get over, a disregard we couldn't forgive. Not until we hear her side at least. Not until she talks to us first.

It's just sad, you know.  Because it was like the last month never happened. Suddenly, she seems to have forgotten that I even exist. And I know I shouldn't dwell on it, there are other people in the world, but I somehow just couldn't accept how easy it was for her to forget me. Were all those talks a sham for her? Because at the very least, I thought we had good conversations.

Couldn't she respect me enough to give me an explanation?

WTF?

"It’s a strange thing, how you can love somebody, how you can be all eaten up inside with needing them – and they simply don’t need you. That’s all there is to it, and neither of you can do anything about it. And they’ll be the same way with someone else, and someone else will be the same way about you and it goes on and on – this desperate need – and only once in a rare million do the same two people need each other."
— Madeleine L’Engle

I have hesitated about posting this here because she knows about this blog. But I'll be damned if I let her take this thing away from me. This is where I have poured some of my life and my memories --my very own pensieve.. my fortress of solitude, if you will. This is mine and I can do what I want with it.

Perhaps there is a time limit for some of my interactions with the people I liked-- we tend to almost reach a month and then all goes to hell. With two or three exceptions, I think.

It's been a whirlwind month. But one thing I've learned out of all this is that I can still like someone else. My heart is not as dead as I thought it was. When several lights are green we can still fall. It is sad that we have never crossed the other side after the jump, though. But whatever can we do?

Perhaps to have this ended a week ago, we could have had a better closure. But what she said and what she did after felt like two different things. I was told not to expect and I didn't, but there was a hope that things could change. That first three days after the supposed dump was bliss. I even won a bet and could have gotten that elusive date. The talk was good, if not better than before. No expectations, but still.. stranger things have happened. I was willing to go with the flow.

Whatever happened after that Wednesday afternoon chat, I would probably never know. Whether that guy friend had anything to do with it, I wouldn't know either. It does appear he has something to do with it from the way she tells it, I just don't know why he would do it unless he has agendas of his own.

But that she listens to him, even at my expense... even when it seems wrong, is what bothers me...

It was twice in the span of three days that she has left me hanging. I waited for them but they left me. The first time she did it, at least she said she was sorry. And I let it slide. But you wouldn't want to see my face inside the car as I was going home. I was irritated beyond belief. She knew I was waiting for her. She could have said no. The least she could do was told me they were leaving and didn't want me to join them. I had waited more than an hour. She waited until she was far enough before she told me about it. But she said she was sorry and I forgave her.

The second time, I would have to take as an affront. It is, in my eyes, deliberate and intentional. They left me waiting and went on their merry way. I was there. Just a floor above them. And I saw them through the staircase until 11 am.

The night before, when she said she was going to WTCM the next morning and will be accompanied by the guy friend (who is apparently married, by the way), she asked me then if I wanted to go with them. I told her I do. Twice. I told her I would go with them that morning as well. She could have said no. I slept fitfully so they can't say I was asleep when they left. If fact, I was awake when they were gone.

Was I pestering you? I asked simple questions and I was ready to accept No as an answer. But you didn't say no.

What you did to me, I would never do to any of my friends. It was inconsiderate and insensitive, and you know it. C'mon guys, I don't even merit a simple courtesy? You could have told me you were leaving, goddammit, and that you did not want me to go with you. Were you so afraid I wouldn't leave you two alone? I know you didn't ask me to wait, but the least you could have done is told me "No, we don't want you, don't even go near us, you creep".

I don't think I deserve this kind of treatment. And now you're even giving me the cold shoulder. Now I don't even get to have an apology? Wow. How far have we come from last week, eh? Now you're treating me like those people you wanted gone. I might be blowing things out of proportion, but what you're doing is not helping.

If I don't receive anything from you today, consider this bridge burned...

Uncharted

“Maybe it’s okay that you don’t know what’s going to happen. Maybe you should stop predicting and controlling and enjoy each moment as it comes.” -- Mandy Hale

I'm telling you, this has been one of the farthest places I've ever been to when you think about it. Yep. Never even met a parent of any of the lost or the unrequited loves we had. Ah but we still don't know where we are. We still don't know how she feels. Needless to say, I was surprised as to how this day unfolded.

First, I have to admit, I did give up last Saturday. That was one of the lowest points I've ever had. There is no one, I thought, no one at all... I was so depressed I bought two figures unplanned just so I can look forward to something in my life. Yup. That lasagna I ate alone yesterday tasted like defeat and to think I was fine 3 weeks ago, sitting on a four-person table eating (yes, a lasagna as well) all by my lonesome. After getting home, I slept for 10 hours. I haven't left her any messages since the one of Friday night.

By noon yesterday (Sunday), I was surprised she sent a message asking if I was going to that mall in pasay because she was going there to drive her sister. I know I might have read things wrong before and it's a common fault of mine to misinterpret, but I did hear an invitation in those words. Was I wrong? Did she want me to go there? I don't know. Did I want to go there? It's far, but I do. It's something I've never done. It could be a pseudo date or something. She told me she'd probably be alone wandering the mall after. Why tell me these things if she doesn't want me to come?

After some back and forth with her and a friend (whom I was asking for advice real-time), I decided to go. Someone was supposed to come with us as well but I did hope he will decline and thank goodness he did not show up! I did not know what I was going to do when I got there but at the time I was on a different mall with my family eating lunch. I was so distracted I don't even remember what the lunch tasted. Good thing they wanted to go home early so after getting home, I was still deciding how to tell them I was going to MOA. I was prancing back and forth and told them. My mother sort of knew. I think she read my messages while I was taking a bath. But yeah, that was a first. They told me to take the car and I did.

The skies were downcast it felt like it would rain. After coursing through traffic, I was able to arrive at moa. Also, surprisingly, I was able to park as well.

I think she was finished with what she had to do but she told me to get to smx first and we'll meet there. And her mother would come with us because she did not went into the event. It was a surprising turn of events but I'll take her mother over that other office mate anytime.

Her mother reminds me of someone. She's like my aunt I guess. She also sells houses. She has a lot of stories and she's proud of her daughters. The three of us went for coffee and talked there for hours. And I think it was good. I think it was OK. I did not think I messed it up..but sometimes you wouldn't know... what could her first impressions of me be? I hope she had a good opinion of me.

tobecontinued..

SeeSaw

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." ― Neil Gaiman


Confusion. 2 weeks ago, I wouldn't have imagined being back here in this state of utter tumult.

At times it is warm and I could bask myself in that spreading heat, imagine all the good things that could happen.. I mean c'mon, the world, it is mine to have!  But other times it is so cold and I shiver... I'm unable to do anything, all I feel is this freezing chill in my heart. Suddenly the world, it is too big, and I can't get even the tiniest bit of it.

I think the problem is I tend to want it too much. I tend to get too needy. And I do. I do want it too much. I want it too much, gods-dammit! I can feel myself getting too desperate and since that has caused a lot of my problems with LittleGoth, I have struggled to keep the neediness in check. Once I set my mind to it, I believe I can actually live alone, but I tend to forget about this every time I fall. Every common sense is out the window. On the outside, I am probably calm and distracted but on the inside, my mind is in turmoil. Everything's a mess, hundreds of thoughts churning in my head, struggling to be heard, plans and speculations, analyses and possibilities... my stomach is in knots, I couldn't even eat a lot. And I tend to lose myself in thoughts. I know I shouldn't be this way.

Can't things be simple for a change?

I guess I should pull out for a while...

Passenger Seat

“A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other...Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever”
― Dave Matthews Band

What a day. What a day. I almost believed that everything was lost. But then it's not. And we might just have had one of the best days of our life after a long while.