Friday, October 3, 2014


"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." ― Neil Gaiman

Confusion. 2 weeks ago, I wouldn't have imagined being back here in this state of utter tumult.

At times it is warm and I could bask myself in that spreading heat, imagine all the good things that could happen.. I mean c'mon, the world, it is mine to have!  But other times it is so cold and I shiver... I'm unable to do anything, all I feel is this freezing chill in my heart. Suddenly the world, it is too big, and I can't get even the tiniest bit of it.

I think the problem is I tend to want it too much. I tend to get too needy. And I do. I do want it too much. I want it too much, gods-dammit! I can feel myself getting too desperate and since that has caused a lot of my problems with LittleGoth, I have struggled to keep the neediness in check. Once I set my mind to it, I believe I can actually live alone, but I tend to forget about this every time I fall. Every common sense is out the window. On the outside, I am probably calm and distracted but on the inside, my mind is in turmoil. Everything's a mess, hundreds of thoughts churning in my head, struggling to be heard, plans and speculations, analyses and possibilities... my stomach is in knots, I couldn't even eat a lot. And I tend to lose myself in thoughts. I know I shouldn't be this way.

Can't things be simple for a change?

I guess I should pull out for a while...

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