Monday, October 20, 2014


"It’s a strange thing, how you can love somebody, how you can be all eaten up inside with needing them – and they simply don’t need you. That’s all there is to it, and neither of you can do anything about it. And they’ll be the same way with someone else, and someone else will be the same way about you and it goes on and on – this desperate need – and only once in a rare million do the same two people need each other."
— Madeleine L’Engle

I have hesitated about posting this here because she knows about this blog. But I'll be damned if I let her take this thing away from me. This is where I have poured some of my life and my memories --my very own pensieve.. my fortress of solitude, if you will. This is mine and I can do what I want with it.

Perhaps there is a time limit for some of my interactions with the people I liked-- we tend to almost reach a month and then all goes to hell. With two or three exceptions, I think.

It's been a whirlwind month. But one thing I've learned out of all this is that I can still like someone else. My heart is not as dead as I thought it was. When several lights are green we can still fall. It is sad that we have never crossed the other side after the jump, though. But whatever can we do?

Perhaps to have this ended a week ago, we could have had a better closure. But what she said and what she did after felt like two different things. I was told not to expect and I didn't, but there was a hope that things could change. That first three days after the supposed dump was bliss. I even won a bet and could have gotten that elusive date. The talk was good, if not better than before. No expectations, but still.. stranger things have happened. I was willing to go with the flow.

Whatever happened after that Wednesday afternoon chat, I would probably never know. Whether that guy friend had anything to do with it, I wouldn't know either. It does appear he has something to do with it from the way she tells it, I just don't know why he would do it unless he has agendas of his own.

But that she listens to him, even at my expense... even when it seems wrong, is what bothers me...

It was twice in the span of three days that she has left me hanging. I waited for them but they left me. The first time she did it, at least she said she was sorry. And I let it slide. But you wouldn't want to see my face inside the car as I was going home. I was irritated beyond belief. She knew I was waiting for her. She could have said no. The least she could do was told me they were leaving and didn't want me to join them. I had waited more than an hour. She waited until she was far enough before she told me about it. But she said she was sorry and I forgave her.

The second time, I would have to take as an affront. It is, in my eyes, deliberate and intentional. They left me waiting and went on their merry way. I was there. Just a floor above them. And I saw them through the staircase until 11 am.

The night before, when she said she was going to WTCM the next morning and will be accompanied by the guy friend (who is apparently married, by the way), she asked me then if I wanted to go with them. I told her I do. Twice. I told her I would go with them that morning as well. She could have said no. I slept fitfully so they can't say I was asleep when they left. If fact, I was awake when they were gone.

Was I pestering you? I asked simple questions and I was ready to accept No as an answer. But you didn't say no.

What you did to me, I would never do to any of my friends. It was inconsiderate and insensitive, and you know it. C'mon guys, I don't even merit a simple courtesy? You could have told me you were leaving, goddammit, and that you did not want me to go with you. Were you so afraid I wouldn't leave you two alone? I know you didn't ask me to wait, but the least you could have done is told me "No, we don't want you, don't even go near us, you creep".

I don't think I deserve this kind of treatment. And now you're even giving me the cold shoulder. Now I don't even get to have an apology? Wow. How far have we come from last week, eh? Now you're treating me like those people you wanted gone. I might be blowing things out of proportion, but what you're doing is not helping.

If I don't receive anything from you today, consider this bridge burned...

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