Thursday, January 23, 2014

The Road so Far

“If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting for the rest of our lives.” 
- Lemony Snicket

23 days into 2014 and where have we gone?

Well, for one thing, I've learned how to shoot a real gun. I went to a shooting range and they rented me a .45 calibre pistol. There wasn't much to it, really. Just feeling adventurous and because I've never brought myself to trying it before, even though I wanted to. I thought there was going to be a lesson or something about gun basics or gun safety but apparently at about P1051 for the whole session, it was all about shooting the target board until you run out of bullets.

They gave me 50 rounds to spend, and spend it I did. There was something exhilarating in shooting a gun in real life. It was like setting a firecracker. It was loud, even with headsets, and the range seem to explode with every shot. The recoil was disconcerting at first, but you get used to it. It really messes your aim, though. By the time I was done, the target was unrecognizable. Not because I hit all the vital points, but because my shots were all over the place. Apparently, I'm no prodigy.

I'll definitely go back there. The gun feels heavy after a while so I think it takes a lot of getting used to. But I had a new experience and it left me feeling good. Which brought me back to thinking...

One reason I had no post for two weeks, aside from being busy playing GTA V among other things, is that after the New Year I have decided not to go through with it (regarding Meadow). Probably because the last conversations I had were going nowhere and again I tried to repress it. Maybe there was already someone else. It probably won't work. I wouldn't know what to do. I have no idea how it works. All reasons not to go through with it convincing me that I should not even try.

I know it was the coward in me speaking, but I can't really push him away. Knowing it makes it worse. I was even thinking of setting a moratorium regarding talking about her in this blog until I've made a move. Which will mean I probably won't have any content at all.

I still think about her from time to time those past weeks, but I thought I had a better handle on it. Everything's fine if I don't see her or talk to her. I could go on thinking it was okay. That I probably didn't need it anyway.

But when I see her, the dam breaks.

All my resolve is gone.

I tried avoiding her, I did not even chat with her for two weeks I guess, thinking it would probably go away.

But yesterday, I couldn't avoid it.

And when I said hello, she ask what happened and said I was gone for a while. Hmmm. Does that mean anything? Did she miss me, maybe? Well, we later had a conference with the team regarding the thing I had to talk to her about in the first place. Some of her statements at the end has led me to believe that no one's actually courting her right now. Is she telling me this? Because if there is no one else, I would like to try... very much.

If only I can bring myself to do it.

Saturday, January 4, 2014


"Maybe there's something you're afraid to say, or someone you're afraid to love, or somewhere you're afraid to go. It's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt because it matters."  
― John Green


Wednesday, January 1, 2014

First Page

"Forget all the reasons why it wont work and believe the one reason that it will."

Hello 2014.

I managed to get drunk on red wine. Never thought those things could get you drunk. But apparently they can, when you drink the whole bottle. Yey! People at our home would probably frown on this (they think drinking is a vice) but I don't care...

This year I get to make new mistakes.

So I welcomed this year working. Hopefully, although that might mean my whole year is work, I hope it just means I'm secured in my job throughout the year. I'm still not sure what would happen with the whole acquisition thing going on, my company getting eaten by a larger one, but I'm fairly optimistic that things would get better.

Hopefully, although our teams will get reorganized, I won't shift very far from the people I've gotten close with this year. There are still a lot of questions regarding this and I still don't know how it would pan out. I hope I'll still be in the same team as Meadow. And that I'll still be on US shift (for financial reasons)

I will say, drunk as I am, that I sort of envy my sister. I mean she has maybe found the love of her life. It's a rare thing I think, and I'm still not sure if they're going to last... but things seem to be off in a good start. When we were talking before I think she mentioned she has not felt it ever, true love that is. But now, there is no doubt to me that that is what she has. I wish it upon myself, that hopefully I'll find my own. I mean, I have wished it time and again but I've taken baby steps to do something about it.

This year should be different.

I've come a long way in the past years, and now I've reached a point that it seemed time is now faster than it ever was. Maybe as you get older, time is faster in your perspective. I feel like I'm running out of time. Another year and I'll be 28 years old. Damn.

28 years single. C'mon 2014, give me something.

Well, I hope I could make a move on Meadow. I mean, really, 3 months of blogging mostly about her should account to something. I still can't get a read on her. But talking to my friend, it may be because my intentions are unclear. I wish I could get a date with her. And that it would be a good one. Argh. Such things, when you think too much, you'll never get anywhere.

I hope I have the courage to make changes, and be not afraid of trying out new things and even committing mistakes. I hope I could leave my comfort zone and see the world beyond. And learn. And have fun.

I do want to know how it feels to be in a relationship. C'mon 2014, give me something.

Hopefully, I'll still be active in this blog. It's been a while and nobody's really reading it I think. But it's such a relief to get my thoughts out there. I wish I could write about other things.

Hello 2014. Please be good to me. Help me take more calculated risks, and have the courage to accept that I could make mistakes, but that it will make me better. May I get out of my comfort zone and grow. And maybe looking back at this post, I will have a smile on my face telling myself, "oh my, how far I did go".