Monday, May 18, 2015

Revelations

"Stop treading. You will not sink. You will float." 
– Anonymous


Sorry walang updates. Puro placeholder lang.

Can't talk here much. Ayusin ko to pag may time. Haha.

Weird kasi andami na nangyari mula nung post ko nitong Feb. Pero walang laman yung blog.

Ah.. baka wala kasi dito :P

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Replay

“It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.” 
― Suzanne Collins, (Mockingjay)

Yan na nga sinasabi ko. Binuhay ang issue. Nagkaroon ng photoshoot para sa Mr. & Ms. Feb-ibig (ugh ang korny nung tawag), di ko alam kung sino ang pasimuno... pero hinala ko yung manager ko dati. Kasi biglang ako yung kinuha. Saka si Meadow yung kapartner. Ang dating e parang botohan ang magaganap, pero pera ang gamit para sa boto. 20php isa. Alam ko na ngayon ang premyo. Special date daw. Juice colored. Binaon ko na sa likod ng utak ko ang mga pangyayari nung isang taon. Binubuhay nila e. Ayan. Naku, baka bumalik ulit.

May nagpost sa facebook nung picture. Kaso sa dami ng kuha, dun pa sa pinakapangit ako yung pinili. Tsk. Lampas isangdaan ang naglike. Bakit? Kasi malakas sila mang-asar. Pati mga kaklase ko nugn highschool, college, teacher, prof, kamag-anak. Waah.

Alam ko di naman nagtapos ng maayos nung isang taon. Pero haay... uulitin ko na naman ba? Ngayon ba pwede na? Nararamdaman ko bumabalik na naman yung pakiramdam na nararamdaman ko pag ganitong may prospect. Sign ba yun na meron pa, pinilit ko lang kalimutan?

Putik.

May sinabi pa yung kaopis ko kanina. Na baka naman di kami nagkaintindihan nung isang taon. Baka may chance, pareho lang kaming takot.

Ugh.

Pano na?

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Relay

“Never apologize for how you feel. No one can control how they feel. The sun doesn’t apologize for being the sun. The rain doesn’t say sorry for falling. Feelings just are.” 
― Iain Thomas


Anong kalokohan yun... hmm... di ba tapos na nung isang taon? Wala naman pinuntahan. Wala naman nangyari. Kulang daw ako sa tiyaga. Maaari. Pero paano ka magtyatyaga kung wala namang sinasabi. Kung bigla na lang tatahimik, anong mapapag-usapan? Wala rin naman. Di biro ang pinagdaanan ko sa sarili ko ng mga ganitong panahon nung nakaraang taon. Uulitin ko na naman ba?

Pero may iba pa ba tayong balak gawin bukod dito? Wala rin naman di ba?

Might as well?

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Feliz Año Nuevo

“Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come,  whispering.. 'it will be happier'...”
― Alfred Tennyson

Another year has come and gone. I'm still here.. still all alone.

I should still be working, even though I don't have to, but it means more money, and what else could we do? But I'm also slightly drunk and so I thought, why not just blog for a while and review what has happened the past year.

In 2014, I did make a lot of mistakes. I hope I learned from them. I made two attempts on two different people last year and both did not go well. I gave someone a bouquet of flowers last Valentine, I went out with someone on a weekend, both things of which I've never done, so there is that.

The first one ended abruptly, because I did not persist and maybe I did give up easily. The second one ended abruptly, because I did insist and did not give up easily. Now maybe if I did things differently, things would be different today but bridges have been burned and some have been left alone unused and things would probably stay that way for a long time.

I bought a car (and still paying for it). I learned how to drive. I even had 3 accidents in the span of 12 hours. I started collecting graphic novels. I bought more books than I read. I had stopped working on gunpla kits for a year but I continued collecting other articulated figures.

It was a good year all things considered.

I'll be older another year this coming May. Still unattached, but not for lack of trying. Maybe I started out too late. It's either you're too early or too late in these things most of the time. Rarely is everything at the right moment. I wish I could be with someone this 2015, but I guess I've already given up hope. I mean, I could not even get myself to try again. There seems to be no point at all.

I would like to say I don't need it, but damn, I want it so bad. But nobody seems to like me the same way I like them, and I can't force myself to like others for the heck of it. I'm a yearner not a settler, I guess. I want things I can't have. I love people who can't love me back.

These things are hard for me. I just.. I just hope this year would be different. That for the next new year I could come back here and tell you that the wait and the toil was worth it.

So cheers for the new year and good luck to us.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Mutual Misunderstanding

“I still catch myself feeling sad about things that don’t matter anymore.” 
— Kurt Vonnegut


Mag-iisang buwan na rin nung ginawa mo yung ginawa mo. At wala naman akong narinig na kahit anong paliwanag o ano mula sayo. Isang araw, wala na lang lahat. Baka nga ganun na lang natin hayaan matapos. Yun ang gusto mo e. Sayang nga lang. Ewan ko. Nalulungkot lang din ako. Pero ganun talaga.

Mga mga bagay na natatapos na lang bigla.

Sana lang siguro di na kita nakikita sa opisina. Na kung malalamon ako nang lupa sana kaysa makasalubong kita, baka mas pipiliin ko pa. Wag naman sanang pahintulutan na magkasabay tayo sa elevator. Ewan ko na lang kung ano ang mangyayari.

Nanawa ako sayo, aaminin ko. Asar pa din ako sa ginawa mo. Di na kita gusto siguro.

Pero siguro nakaka-alangan lang pag nakikita kita. Napapatigil pa rin ako. May ganun ka pa ring epekto sa akin. Baka di pa rin ako tuluyang magaling. Di ko alam kung ano dapat ang reaksyon ko.

Pero di mo rin naman ako pinapansin. E di ganun na lang nga din. Di ko rin alam kung anong gagawin ko kung sakaling pansinin mo man ako. Baka mabara kita ng di sinasadya, baka sadyaing di pansinin kahit pagsisisihan ko mamaya.

Pano nagkaganito. Nakakasuya naman. Wala akong ibang magagawa kundi mapabuntong hininga.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Selective Amnesia

Don't put your happiness in other people's hands.  
They'll drop it. 
They'll drop it every time. 
- C.Barzak


So apparently, the bridge is gone. I still don't know what happened. I wonder if I'll ever know. I see her but there's just nothing that connects us now. I would like to say that I burned the bridge on my side myself, that I set a flame to all of it and that I watched gleefully as it disintegrated in front of me. But who are we kidding? We all know she has severed the bonds beforehand.

A part of me wants to know what the hell happened, for her to cut me off like that, but my pride wouldn't let me be the first to talk to her. There was a slight we couldn't get over, a disregard we couldn't forgive. Not until we hear her side at least. Not until she talks to us first.

It's just sad, you know.  Because it was like the last month never happened. Suddenly, she seems to have forgotten that I even exist. And I know I shouldn't dwell on it, there are other people in the world, but I somehow just couldn't accept how easy it was for her to forget me. Were all those talks a sham for her? Because at the very least, I thought we had good conversations.

Couldn't she respect me enough to give me an explanation?

Monday, October 20, 2014

WTF?

"It’s a strange thing, how you can love somebody, how you can be all eaten up inside with needing them – and they simply don’t need you. That’s all there is to it, and neither of you can do anything about it. And they’ll be the same way with someone else, and someone else will be the same way about you and it goes on and on – this desperate need – and only once in a rare million do the same two people need each other."
— Madeleine L’Engle

I have hesitated about posting this here because she knows about this blog. But I'll be damned if I let her take this thing away from me. This is where I have poured some of my life and my memories --my very own pensieve.. my fortress of solitude, if you will. This is mine and I can do what I want with it.

Perhaps there is a time limit for some of my interactions with the people I liked-- we tend to almost reach a month and then all goes to hell. With two or three exceptions, I think.

It's been a whirlwind month. But one thing I've learned out of all this is that I can still like someone else. My heart is not as dead as I thought it was. When several lights are green we can still fall. It is sad that we have never crossed the other side after the jump, though. But whatever can we do?

Perhaps to have this ended a week ago, we could have had a better closure. But what she said and what she did after felt like two different things. I was told not to expect and I didn't, but there was a hope that things could change. That first three days after the supposed dump was bliss. I even won a bet and could have gotten that elusive date. The talk was good, if not better than before. No expectations, but still.. stranger things have happened. I was willing to go with the flow.

Whatever happened after that Wednesday afternoon chat, I would probably never know. Whether that guy friend had anything to do with it, I wouldn't know either. It does appear he has something to do with it from the way she tells it, I just don't know why he would do it unless he has agendas of his own.

But that she listens to him, even at my expense... even when it seems wrong, is what bothers me...

It was twice in the span of three days that she has left me hanging. I waited for them but they left me. The first time she did it, at least she said she was sorry. And I let it slide. But you wouldn't want to see my face inside the car as I was going home. I was irritated beyond belief. She knew I was waiting for her. She could have said no. The least she could do was told me they were leaving and didn't want me to join them. I had waited more than an hour. She waited until she was far enough before she told me about it. But she said she was sorry and I forgave her.

The second time, I would have to take as an affront. It is, in my eyes, deliberate and intentional. They left me waiting and went on their merry way. I was there. Just a floor above them. And I saw them through the staircase until 11 am.

The night before, when she said she was going to WTCM the next morning and will be accompanied by the guy friend (who is apparently married, by the way), she asked me then if I wanted to go with them. I told her I do. Twice. I told her I would go with them that morning as well. She could have said no. I slept fitfully so they can't say I was asleep when they left. If fact, I was awake when they were gone.

Was I pestering you? I asked simple questions and I was ready to accept No as an answer. But you didn't say no.

What you did to me, I would never do to any of my friends. It was inconsiderate and insensitive, and you know it. C'mon guys, I don't even merit a simple courtesy? You could have told me you were leaving, goddammit, and that you did not want me to go with you. Were you so afraid I wouldn't leave you two alone? I know you didn't ask me to wait, but the least you could have done is told me "No, we don't want you, don't even go near us, you creep".

I don't think I deserve this kind of treatment. And now you're even giving me the cold shoulder. Now I don't even get to have an apology? Wow. How far have we come from last week, eh? Now you're treating me like those people you wanted gone. I might be blowing things out of proportion, but what you're doing is not helping.

If I don't receive anything from you today, consider this bridge burned...