Thursday, January 23, 2014

The Road so Far

“If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting for the rest of our lives.” 
- Lemony Snicket

23 days into 2014 and where have we gone?

Well, for one thing, I've learned how to shoot a real gun. I went to a shooting range and they rented me a .45 calibre pistol. There wasn't much to it, really. Just feeling adventurous and because I've never brought myself to trying it before, even though I wanted to. I thought there was going to be a lesson or something about gun basics or gun safety but apparently at about P1051 for the whole session, it was all about shooting the target board until you run out of bullets.

They gave me 50 rounds to spend, and spend it I did. There was something exhilarating in shooting a gun in real life. It was like setting a firecracker. It was loud, even with headsets, and the range seem to explode with every shot. The recoil was disconcerting at first, but you get used to it. It really messes your aim, though. By the time I was done, the target was unrecognizable. Not because I hit all the vital points, but because my shots were all over the place. Apparently, I'm no prodigy.

I'll definitely go back there. The gun feels heavy after a while so I think it takes a lot of getting used to. But I had a new experience and it left me feeling good. Which brought me back to thinking...

One reason I had no post for two weeks, aside from being busy playing GTA V among other things, is that after the New Year I have decided not to go through with it (regarding Meadow). Probably because the last conversations I had were going nowhere and again I tried to repress it. Maybe there was already someone else. It probably won't work. I wouldn't know what to do. I have no idea how it works. All reasons not to go through with it convincing me that I should not even try.

I know it was the coward in me speaking, but I can't really push him away. Knowing it makes it worse. I was even thinking of setting a moratorium regarding talking about her in this blog until I've made a move. Which will mean I probably won't have any content at all.

I still think about her from time to time those past weeks, but I thought I had a better handle on it. Everything's fine if I don't see her or talk to her. I could go on thinking it was okay. That I probably didn't need it anyway.

But when I see her, the dam breaks.

All my resolve is gone.

I tried avoiding her, I did not even chat with her for two weeks I guess, thinking it would probably go away.

But yesterday, I couldn't avoid it.

And when I said hello, she ask what happened and said I was gone for a while. Hmmm. Does that mean anything? Did she miss me, maybe? Well, we later had a conference with the team regarding the thing I had to talk to her about in the first place. Some of her statements at the end has led me to believe that no one's actually courting her right now. Is she telling me this? Because if there is no one else, I would like to try... very much.

If only I can bring myself to do it.

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