Tuesday, November 26, 2013


“Once you've got a task to do, it's better to do it than live with the fear of it."
- Logen Ninefingers, - Joe Abercrombie, The Blade Itself

It probably won't work.

Haha. I'm sorry, I know if you're reading this you are getting tired of it. I'm getting tired of it as well. If I had butterflies in my stomach since this whole thing escalated, what I now have are their children's children. Such is the long time this is taking me.

Well, the first steps are the hardest, I guess. The anticipation of the daunting task ahead. Like speaking for the first time in front of a crowd, even when you think you're prepared, it's suddenly very easy to back out. Not go through with it. Breathe a little easier. Maybe I'll just do it some other time, you know. Just not now. The words are stuck in my throat. I can't breathe. I'll probably fail if I go through with it, anyway.

Maybe if I can do this and look back, I'll laugh at how ridiculous all these things have been. That it's not really so hard that I'm losing a lot of sleep on this. And I'm not eating that well, losing weight because I've been thinking about this a lot. I'm even catching myself drifting in thoughts most of the time. Maybe it's not the person, but the circumstances. After all, it's been a long time since we've felt this again.

There are more important things I know, but what I feel, I just can't control. I've been laughing at myself before as to how hopeless and needy I became during those times and I didn't think I'll go back to being one again.

I've been looking back at the past and all I can do was cringe at the things I did. And become sad at the things I did not do. I always regretted that I could have done something more and I didn't. I might have set myself up for failure. That given the chance, if I could go back in time, I would give more. Maybe things would have been different. Maybe I would have been happier. Who knows? I don't know. Such is the road not taken, as they say, you never know where it might have led.

But now another fork in the road is in my face. I'm stuck with indecision... with inaction. But I'll push through. I have to. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I don't.

It probably won't work.

But I will try.

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