Thursday, November 7, 2013


“If you dare nothing, then when the day is over, nothing is all you will have gained.”  
― Neil Gaiman, The Graveyard Book

Nothing was gained indeed. I did a lot of tossing, turning and procrastinating. Then I gave up. I don't know. I stared at the screen for more than an hour. When I wanted to stop time it just sped forward even more. I hesitated and hesitated and hesitated time and again. I hate myself right now. This feeling is making me sick. Just a drop of the finger on the ENTER key and the world right now would have been different. I'm sorry. I'm just pretty damaged, I guess. I'm trying to remember what made me this way. I opened up some forgotten memories of how I squandered a lot of chances. I don't know why I tend to do that. There's like a very huge wall in front of me and I've tried to get over it a lot of times and I gave up for a while. Didn't even notice it right in front of my face. And now it's just worse. I can see it everywhere I look. How did those people do it? How did they get over their wall?

Maybe she's in the same place as me. Maybe I can dream on and think she's waiting for me to act. I gave a fleeting glance at her yesterday and I felt very sad. I'm very distracted these days I often find myself thinking. And I remember how I acted way back on college and why I felt that way. Because it's happening again. I need to do something. Need to take action. I just got to get this off my chest. I think it's unhealthy, this much longing. Very destructive. If I see her still tomorrow even though there's a super typhoon passing through the country, this would have to be done. I won't think anymore and I won't hesitate. This needs to be done, dammit, two weeks ago! I think the key is to push forward and don't wait for those automatic thoughts to kick in. Remember how happy I was when I did something. I need that drug again. I need an end if it won't work out.

No comments:

Post a Comment