Monday, November 25, 2013


"The very essence of romance is uncertainty."
- Oscar Wilde

The title of this post might be misleading, either because of the namesake's principle or since Breaking Bad (which is one the best TV series there is, IMO) has made the name Heisenberg synonymous to a badass meth chemist/druglord/kingpin... but yeah, this is unrelated to both.

There have been good signs everywhere lately and now I'm thinking, yeah, this would probably work. It might just. I could pull it off. I still don't know how, but where I have been feeling desperate that there's no chance, not even remote, I'm now getting more inclined to a positive perspective. There have been many times in the past weeks that I have thought of giving up and not trying. But every time, I get a "pull" (imagined?) from her, and then I'm back at the edge.

What has happened the past days have shifted me to this view. I still have to initiate the talk most of the time, but at this stage, her response makes me think I'm connecting with her somehow.

Yeah, unless I've been very wrong at reading people (still a possibility), I'm thinking that she is responding to me well.

It makes the jump I'm so scared of before, not as scary. Maybe I've been calmed by not rushing. Who knows what would've happened had I jumped earlier. She might have been repulsed by the sudden surprise.

But now maybe it's a more positive sign? I don't know. I think after that trip abroad she started talking more. I've been reaching out more, making a point to talk to her through chat or going to her cube and talking to her there each day. I could still see it meaning as her just being friendly. I've been biased with people I liked with regards to how they think of me. But hopefully I'm not wrong in this one.

I'm being baited (intentional or not?) and I'm gladly, helplessly and willingly taking the bait.

Even the Universe appears to be conspiring...I know I jokingly blamed it before, but it appears to be making amends. I heard that song while walking last saturday. Then when I rode the bus, Home Alone 2 was playing. Although I still remember what happened in the film, I've forgotten most of the dialogue, watching it back when I was young (and didn't understand these things). And if this exchange between the boy and the bird lady was not intended for me, well... I'll let you be the judge:

Bird Lady: The man I loved fell out of love with me. That broke my heart. When the chance to be loved came along again, I ran away from it. I stopped trusting people.
Kevin McCallister: No offense, but that seems like sort of a dumb thing to do.
Bird Lady: I was afraid of getting my heart broken again. Sometimes you can trust a person, and then, when things are down, they forget about you.
Kevin McCallister: Maybe they're just too busy. Maybe they don't forget about you, but they forget to remember you. People don't mean to forget. My grandfather says if my head wasn't screwed on, I'd leave it on the school bus.
Bird Lady: I'm just afraid if I do trust someone, I'll get my heart broken.
Kevin McCallister: I understand. I had a nice pair of rollerblades. I was afraid to wreck them, so I kept them in a box. Do you know what happened? I outgrew them. I never wore them outside. Only in my room a few times.
Bird Lady: A person's heart and feelings are very different than skates.
Kevin McCallister: They're kind of the same thing. If you won't use your heart, who cares if it gets broken? If you just keep it to yourself, maybe it'll be like my rollerblades. When you do decide to try it, it won't be any good. You should take a chance. Got nothing to lose.
Bird Lady: Little truth in there somewhere.

This should be the week or never, numbskull. Ok? Please.

Any further waiting on her side would no longer help my cause, I think. It might even tip the odds against me. If this is another unrequited thing, it would be better to get it over with as early as now. Not when I'm deeply obsessed and the wound has already festered.

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