Thursday, November 14, 2013


“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” 
- Louise Erdrich

It's almost 3 weeks after that last coffee break. And nothing's happened so far. How are the days blowing by so fast. I've been able to talk to her through facebook IM while she was away and although she wasn't regularly online, when she is, she replies. Maybe because I'm leaving her questions to answer (although she's not asking questions) but she gives me answers that I can proceed on.

I would think, that if she doesn't have an inkling as to what all this attention is about, is that she would be dense or too unassuming. I hope she thinks something is up, although that means I have to step it up and get to the point. I'm really hoping I can do this tomorrow. I admit I have been drinking for two nights already and no one's even thought to ask me anything about it when I feel like I desperately want to tell them I have no idea what I'm doing and ask them, what do I do. But everyone's got their own problems, I guess.

I feel like a pufferfish. Because other people seem to overestimate what I could do. Just because I could puff up very big doesn't mean I'm really capable. Maybe I'm really good at pretending most of the time, although when things that affect me very much are happening I can't really control myself. I need to do this because I've losing weight for all this thinking and I might have diabetes if I continue stressing about this. Every time she replies is a bright light in my day and I feel I can do it. And it could work you know. Stranger things have happened.

Just. Do. It.

I've been prone to pessimism ever since and this blog has been witness to my rants of self-doubt. Especially when it comes to relationships. I know better than to give voice to those thoughts but they really creep in and cause my inaction. I wish I could split up and let the positive me take over for a while. I've had my share of baggage and I just want some change around here. Really, how does it feel to be in a relationship?

I want this done. I don't want it to be over but I want this part of questioning the what ifs done. I'll just be honest tomorrow and take a chance, really. What's the worst that could happen? Maybe she'll reject me and never talk to me again, which being office mates will prove difficult. If she won't talk to me again, we're pretty much were we are right now. All we talk about is work. And I want to talk to her about different things. I'm thinking she has a lot to say, just like me. Just who to tell it to, maybe. And she did build a lot of walls maybe. Like me.

There is nothing to lose, right? Other people might know if I do fail, but it does mean I tried, after all this time, I do have to try. I know I have some future proposal of attempt in case things don't work very far in the future but really, NOW is what's important.

Bone for Tuna.

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