Monday, November 18, 2013

Open Letter

“One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple.” 
- Jack Kerouac


I know I've been very, very slow. Left to my own devices, I probably would have slowed down to a halt. I have not done anything in forever and I blabber on that I'm going to do it but when push comes to shove I back out, horrified of the possibility that you would turn me down and reject me, or things would get awkward after that moment.

All unfounded fears, really. Because a lot of people have already turned me down in the past, some downright rejected me, some letting me down easy and some just plain ignoring me for the rest of their happy lives. I've survived somehow. I have moved on, I would say. It was a painful process because it does take me a long and hard time to take out my heart and offer it to them and I just can't get it back in any easier when things end up bad. It was so painful that I've always hesitated doing it again for a long time. And now I'm carving it out again and it's freaking me out. Freaking. Me. Out. If it doesn't work, I'll have to do it all again. Things have gotten so awkward in some cases that I never even talked to them again because it was never the same. Something was lost and apparently it was lost forever.

I know we don't even have that. We're not really close or anything, just friends, a little level over casual acquaintances. You have your walls and I have mine, and we even have different sets of friends. We used to be at different levels but now we have the same job. But still, we're working on different shifts, different teams, and now even on different floors. Such a wall of impossibility that I have never dared to climb in the past so I just tried not to think about it. I told myself that you will find someone else and that if I tried, it wouldn't have worked. But it was always at the back of my mind. That maybe if I put myself into it, I could make it work this time. But I waited for an opportunity that we could get closer.

And I waited. But it appears, you pretty content up there in your walls. And for a time, I was, too. I had all the time in the world for myself, to go places I wanted to go and do things I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do them. I had the money to give to my family and still have enough for myself and my simple joys. But as I've read, solitude will break you with its yearning. I have been the third wheel, and even the fifth wheel at times, and I tell you, it's not a good place to be. You would envy those couples, so happy with each other and wonder why no one is with you.  It was okay and I thought I could live with it. I'm generally a loner and my thoughts have been my unintended companions but I was usually fine with that.

But now, I'm not.

This yearning has taken its toll on me for weeks. Suddenly the urge to try is so strong I don't know where these feelings came from. Like a dam overflowing, it makes me think of nothing else. I knew I always liked you. You are beautiful and everyone knows it. That if there's anyone I would want to be with in the office, well, it would be you. I don't know a lot about you. And I've made that a basis of my inaction. But what I know and what I see and hear so far, I like. You're simple and bubbly, I've never seen you angry or sad. Always happy. And I like talking with you. Although that maybe in part because I do like you and I'm interested to know you that I want to talk with you. You brighten me day with each reply. Just the opposite when you don't. Never has the "seen" function been more painful as it is right now.

I know it's just the surface. Which is why I'm so hesitant to take the jump. I don't know if it's enough for me to push through with it. I'm not yet sure. But I guess if I don't make a move, I won't really know. I'm not blessed with such good looks or good fortune that women would take out their hearts in a heartbeat.

It would take a lot of work to build a siege tower for your walls.

I know I do have to ask you out. It's the only way to know you if you're not giving any ground or I can't see if you want me to. I've read people wrong before.

If I can make such a fuss over a 30-minute coffee break, what more can a date do. You see why it's so hard. I wouldn't know what I'm doing. I haven't done anything. My sister tells me, I play it too safe. And I do. But hopefully I'm honest enough that I could sway you and we could get comfortable with each other. And maybe have another date or two. And if it still fails, I would at least know that this time I tried and I did the things I never do.

But can you wait for me to take out my heart and put it out there? You can tell me to shove it back after, but please wait for me to get it out first and get you to look at it. Maybe you'll like what you see in me. What's the harm? I swear it won't take long, but I did hide it up so well it's hard to bring out. I'm talking about my heart, just in case we forgot.

But yeah, wait for me and I could make it worth your while.

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