Monday, December 9, 2013


“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.” 
-Federico García Lorca

I'm an occasional drinker. But lately, I think I'm drinking more than usual. Could we blame this on the current situation? I think so, yes. There is a need for me to talk about it with someone else, but I couldn't do it sober. I don't think I ever admitted anything in person, or sober, regarding these things.

I still believe writing is my strongest suit and I have coursed my feelings through writing most, if not all, of the time. In person and sober, I think I'm too clammed up, erratic and confusing. When I write though, I feel I can say anything. That I could arrange my thoughts better and get my thoughts across.

But that isn't helping me in my current situation. Not one bit.

I think I might have made a mistake last night. I told a lot of people about Meadow. It was out of control, too many words being thrown by many people. I wanted people to know at that time, because maybe I want them to talk me into it. But it ended up with more people knowing about it than I intended. Maybe I just wanted "Jane" to know about it because she seem to give good advice, but now you can add 3 or 4 more people to the list of those who know. Darn.

That's almost ten people who knows about this. If there's something new about this, it's that. I think it's somewhat a relief, getting it out there. But it's frightening as well.

And Meadow still doesn't know.

And it appeared that even Jane was too drunk to give any meaningful advice that night. Just a cautionary, "don't assume", and that there are a lot of people who want to give it a try as well with Meadow. It didn't help me at all. It just made me think more. Maybe it was because she was pushing me to someone else (which did not pass, so I don't think it will happen), but it even felt that she was trying to stop me. The other two who knew it were trying to encourage me, although knowing myself, even drunk you'd probably get frustrated encouraging me.

I already admitted I did not know how to make it work. There's too much effort involved that without reciprocity I don't think I'll be able to sustain. And perhaps this is my automatic thoughts again, but Meadow seems more distant this past week. She's leaving in mid-chat or doesn't even reply.

I think I put her in a pedestal. I have a tendency to do that. And I know that it is a mistake. I've done it a couple of times and it never worked out. She's been haunting my waking thoughts and everything works out well in my dream. But in reality, nothing really happening. That's why it's premature and will cause you to just feel inferior. It will conjure non-existent demons that will haunt you and discourage you or make you feel jealous about nothing, really. It will make you lose your patience and pressure you to unattainable perfection. And making mistakes can make you lash out, if not at her, then at yourself.

I'm trying to get her off that pedestal. That until things work out between the two of us, there's no reason to make her too special that I couldn't make a move. She is just an ordinary person like me and that it could still work out... it's not impossible. That it's okay, even though I'll make several mistakes trying to close this out. All I need to do is to make an attempt.

But yeah. All is still muddled and everything can still go very wrong.

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