Wednesday, October 23, 2013


“We pass through this world but once. Few tragedies can be more extensive than the stunting of life, few injustices deeper than the denial of an opportunity to strive or even to hope, by a limit imposed from without, but falsely identified as lying within.”  
― Stephen Jay Gould, The Mismeasure of Man

I am hesitating. The plan is today, because I feel like I'm getting sick thinking about it all the time. The past week was terrible. I'm having fits of sleep, constantly waking up. It's torture. The urge to try is very strong. But today, faced with the time to act, the fear is creeping up my throat. I'm thinking I'm so tense I can't relaxed. I wanted it over. But I don't want it over over. If this fails, this means we read a lot of wrong signs. There's probably nothing we can expect from this afterwards. But hey, at least we'll know right. And here I am convincing myself to push through with it. 

Try, goddammit.

What do I have to lose? Failed so many times, there's probably nowhere else to go but succeed, right? And how can we succeed if we first don't try. But if  I fail once more, it'll sting again and I hate that feeling. I'm tired of it. What the hell is wrong with me that it doesn't succeed? But I should probably save the self-pity later if it doesn't work. Since we still don't know and I'm still here in my cube convincing myself to push through with it.

Try, goddammit.

Try to think positive. Breathe. Calm yourself. Remember the times it worked, not the times it failed. Remember those Sundays, and those 2 days, and that one day. It somehow worked then, right? And you can remember those fondly. Those were good memories. How much will it hurt to try?


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