Monday, October 21, 2013


" boycott love, detox just to retox" 
- Fall Out Boy, Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes

I see them walking up the platform one by one, in the midst of the rain. Nervous smiles in their faces as their guides fasten their safety ropes to do the feat. There were sounds of metals clanging in the pulley, like a tragedy waiting to happen, but they push through anyway. They sit as the platform lowers and they're hanging by the edge of that cliff, raindrops on their faces. Time seems to stop... and then they drop.

I watched them sway from cliff to cliff obviously having the time of their lives, arms outstretched and waiting for the guides to pull them back up. Why did I have to be the last one to do it? After they are safe back up I walk the platform myself, nervous, but I really can't back off now. Not when they've all done it. They fasten hooks and ropes and stuff and walked me by the edge. As I sat at the platform with my hands on the safety cable, I was lowered until I hang on the edge several feet above the ground, a river raging below my feet. If the rope fails it would be my last moment. My heart was thumping away like it was trying to leave my chest. Who knows what will happen next? I did not know if anyone died attempting The Plunge, but it was not impossible that I'd be the first. Time seems to stop...

It's the same feeling I have right now. Like I'm attempting a big jump. Or a big fall. I haven't been here for a long, long while, maybe I've been afraid all this time. Maybe it took a long time to get rid of it in my system before. And I never wanted a taste of it again. The pain becomes bearable but the sting never leaves for a long time. But when it does, we get over. Like a clean slate we can start anew.

But then what do we do? We choose our next poison, and take it in just the same.

I have begun thinking it was not for me. And that might still be the case. I look at some of the people around me that are or were in a relationship and I can't imagine myself being like that. But I want to know how it feels like. Yes, I'll admit I want it very much. I've become used to be by myself alone, and it has been fine. I'm just beginning to think that I want it another way.

And maybe I'll fail again. No surprises there if that happens. I have never been successful in this particular area. Maybe Meadow won't even give me a chance. Or maybe give me a chance and I'll fail miserably. I don't know.

But I do have to try. I have to try.

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