Sunday, October 13, 2013


"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"
- Robert Schuller

I can’t stop thinking about this.

I’m trying to remember how it started again, because I have buried this at the back of my mind and then it resurfaced again. Maybe the dreams brought it back. Maybe that new couple in the office did. I’m not sure. But now I can’t stop thinking again.

I can say I’m fairly content with my current state. I mean, I could buy what I want if it's reasonable and do what I want. No real big problems aside from the usual I'm an atheist hiding in the midst of theists.
I have stability. But maybe it's true that we're insatiable beings. We always look for more...

If there is one thing I want right now, well, you know I wanted to have a girlfriend. Such a loser statement, damn it, but I can’t help it if it’s true. I've been spending my weekdays and Saturdays alone, really, and although it’s been fine for a long time, I’m beginning to wish I could have it another way. I've been going places alone and I still find it enjoyable, even though it means most of the time, I eat out alone or do most things alone. It’s just that, I would like to know how it feels like to walk the mall or go somewhere with someone. I think I had that, way, way back in college and one other time after.

But it has been a drought, I tell you. A dry spell, if you will. I believe it has been by choice. Some people have a hard time getting over unrequited love and I took a long time. It made me miss opportunities, I guess, but I’m stubborn and I accept it. I have always believed that I shouldn't force the issue and wait for things to happen. But maybe sometimes, those things are waiting for you.

A week or two ago, we had some discussion with some in the team. I've been asking them personal questions and they wanted to ask me some in return. They asked me if I ever had a girlfriend. And I said I haven't had one. It's a usual question and I've figured out how to answer it without sounding like a loser. They asked if I had crushes in the office and I told them I did. Who doesn't, right? They asked if I ever courted anyone in the office. And I said I did not. Not one in almost six years. I figured I could give them a reason that there were circumstances that hindered that, blah blah. But the next question was a good one:

Was there anyone in the office that I would have courted if I could, but I didn't and why.

In retrospect, I think there might be several. But at that moment when the question was asked, I could only think of only one. We'll call her Meadow.

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