Mutual Misunderstanding

“I still catch myself feeling sad about things that don’t matter anymore.” 
— Kurt Vonnegut


Mag-iisang buwan na rin nung ginawa mo yung ginawa mo. At wala naman akong narinig na kahit anong paliwanag o ano mula sayo. Isang araw, wala na lang lahat. Baka nga ganun na lang natin hayaan matapos. Yun ang gusto mo e. Sayang nga lang. Ewan ko. Nalulungkot lang din ako. Pero ganun talaga.

Mga mga bagay na natatapos na lang bigla.

Sana lang siguro di na kita nakikita sa opisina. Na kung malalamon ako nang lupa sana kaysa makasalubong kita, baka mas pipiliin ko pa. Wag naman sanang pahintulutan na magkasabay tayo sa elevator. Ewan ko na lang kung ano ang mangyayari.

Nanawa ako sayo, aaminin ko. Asar pa din ako sa ginawa mo. Di na kita gusto siguro.

Pero siguro nakaka-alangan lang pag nakikita kita. Napapatigil pa rin ako. May ganun ka pa ring epekto sa akin. Baka di pa rin ako tuluyang magaling. Di ko alam kung ano dapat ang reaksyon ko.

Pero di mo rin naman ako pinapansin. E di ganun na lang nga din. Di ko rin alam kung anong gagawin ko kung sakaling pansinin mo man ako. Baka mabara kita ng di sinasadya, baka sadyaing di pansinin kahit pagsisisihan ko mamaya.

Pano nagkaganito. Nakakasuya naman. Wala akong ibang magagawa kundi mapabuntong hininga.

Selective Amnesia

Don't put your happiness in other people's hands.  
They'll drop it. 
They'll drop it every time. 
- C.Barzak


So apparently, the bridge is gone. I still don't know what happened. I wonder if I'll ever know. I see her but there's just nothing that connects us now. I would like to say that I burned the bridge on my side myself, that I set a flame to all of it and that I watched gleefully as it disintegrated in front of me. But who are we kidding? We all know she has severed the bonds beforehand.

A part of me wants to know what the hell happened, for her to cut me off like that, but my pride wouldn't let me be the first to talk to her. There was a slight we couldn't get over, a disregard we couldn't forgive. Not until we hear her side at least. Not until she talks to us first.

It's just sad, you know.  Because it was like the last month never happened. Suddenly, she seems to have forgotten that I even exist. And I know I shouldn't dwell on it, there are other people in the world, but I somehow just couldn't accept how easy it was for her to forget me. Were all those talks a sham for her? Because at the very least, I thought we had good conversations.

Couldn't she respect me enough to give me an explanation?

WTF?

"It’s a strange thing, how you can love somebody, how you can be all eaten up inside with needing them – and they simply don’t need you. That’s all there is to it, and neither of you can do anything about it. And they’ll be the same way with someone else, and someone else will be the same way about you and it goes on and on – this desperate need – and only once in a rare million do the same two people need each other."
— Madeleine L’Engle

I have hesitated about posting this here because she knows about this blog. But I'll be damned if I let her take this thing away from me. This is where I have poured some of my life and my memories --my very own pensieve.. my fortress of solitude, if you will. This is mine and I can do what I want with it.

Perhaps there is a time limit for some of my interactions with the people I liked-- we tend to almost reach a month and then all goes to hell. With two or three exceptions, I think.

It's been a whirlwind month. But one thing I've learned out of all this is that I can still like someone else. My heart is not as dead as I thought it was. When several lights are green we can still fall. It is sad that we have never crossed the other side after the jump, though. But whatever can we do?

Perhaps to have this ended a week ago, we could have had a better closure. But what she said and what she did after felt like two different things. I was told not to expect and I didn't, but there was a hope that things could change. That first three days after the supposed dump was bliss. I even won a bet and could have gotten that elusive date. The talk was good, if not better than before. No expectations, but still.. stranger things have happened. I was willing to go with the flow.

Whatever happened after that Wednesday afternoon chat, I would probably never know. Whether that guy friend had anything to do with it, I wouldn't know either. It does appear he has something to do with it from the way she tells it, I just don't know why he would do it unless he has agendas of his own.

But that she listens to him, even at my expense... even when it seems wrong, is what bothers me...

It was twice in the span of three days that she has left me hanging. I waited for them but they left me. The first time she did it, at least she said she was sorry. And I let it slide. But you wouldn't want to see my face inside the car as I was going home. I was irritated beyond belief. She knew I was waiting for her. She could have said no. The least she could do was told me they were leaving and didn't want me to join them. I had waited more than an hour. She waited until she was far enough before she told me about it. But she said she was sorry and I forgave her.

The second time, I would have to take as an affront. It is, in my eyes, deliberate and intentional. They left me waiting and went on their merry way. I was there. Just a floor above them. And I saw them through the staircase until 11 am.

The night before, when she said she was going to WTCM the next morning and will be accompanied by the guy friend (who is apparently married, by the way), she asked me then if I wanted to go with them. I told her I do. Twice. I told her I would go with them that morning as well. She could have said no. I slept fitfully so they can't say I was asleep when they left. If fact, I was awake when they were gone.

Was I pestering you? I asked simple questions and I was ready to accept No as an answer. But you didn't say no.

What you did to me, I would never do to any of my friends. It was inconsiderate and insensitive, and you know it. C'mon guys, I don't even merit a simple courtesy? You could have told me you were leaving, goddammit, and that you did not want me to go with you. Were you so afraid I wouldn't leave you two alone? I know you didn't ask me to wait, but the least you could have done is told me "No, we don't want you, don't even go near us, you creep".

I don't think I deserve this kind of treatment. And now you're even giving me the cold shoulder. Now I don't even get to have an apology? Wow. How far have we come from last week, eh? Now you're treating me like those people you wanted gone. I might be blowing things out of proportion, but what you're doing is not helping.

If I don't receive anything from you today, consider this bridge burned...

Uncharted

“Maybe it’s okay that you don’t know what’s going to happen. Maybe you should stop predicting and controlling and enjoy each moment as it comes.” -- Mandy Hale

I'm telling you, this has been one of the farthest places I've ever been to when you think about it. Yep. Never even met a parent of any of the lost or the unrequited loves we had. Ah but we still don't know where we are. We still don't know how she feels. Needless to say, I was surprised as to how this day unfolded.

First, I have to admit, I did give up last Saturday. That was one of the lowest points I've ever had. There is no one, I thought, no one at all... I was so depressed I bought two figures unplanned just so I can look forward to something in my life. Yup. That lasagna I ate alone yesterday tasted like defeat and to think I was fine 3 weeks ago, sitting on a four-person table eating (yes, a lasagna as well) all by my lonesome. After getting home, I slept for 10 hours. I haven't left her any messages since the one of Friday night.

By noon yesterday (Sunday), I was surprised she sent a message asking if I was going to that mall in pasay because she was going there to drive her sister. I know I might have read things wrong before and it's a common fault of mine to misinterpret, but I did hear an invitation in those words. Was I wrong? Did she want me to go there? I don't know. Did I want to go there? It's far, but I do. It's something I've never done. It could be a pseudo date or something. She told me she'd probably be alone wandering the mall after. Why tell me these things if she doesn't want me to come?

After some back and forth with her and a friend (whom I was asking for advice real-time), I decided to go. Someone was supposed to come with us as well but I did hope he will decline and thank goodness he did not show up! I did not know what I was going to do when I got there but at the time I was on a different mall with my family eating lunch. I was so distracted I don't even remember what the lunch tasted. Good thing they wanted to go home early so after getting home, I was still deciding how to tell them I was going to MOA. I was prancing back and forth and told them. My mother sort of knew. I think she read my messages while I was taking a bath. But yeah, that was a first. They told me to take the car and I did.

The skies were downcast it felt like it would rain. After coursing through traffic, I was able to arrive at moa. Also, surprisingly, I was able to park as well.

I think she was finished with what she had to do but she told me to get to smx first and we'll meet there. And her mother would come with us because she did not went into the event. It was a surprising turn of events but I'll take her mother over that other office mate anytime.

Her mother reminds me of someone. She's like my aunt I guess. She also sells houses. She has a lot of stories and she's proud of her daughters. The three of us went for coffee and talked there for hours. And I think it was good. I think it was OK. I did not think I messed it up..but sometimes you wouldn't know... what could her first impressions of me be? I hope she had a good opinion of me.

tobecontinued..

SeeSaw

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." ― Neil Gaiman


Confusion. 2 weeks ago, I wouldn't have imagined being back here in this state of utter tumult.

At times it is warm and I could bask myself in that spreading heat, imagine all the good things that could happen.. I mean c'mon, the world, it is mine to have!  But other times it is so cold and I shiver... I'm unable to do anything, all I feel is this freezing chill in my heart. Suddenly the world, it is too big, and I can't get even the tiniest bit of it.

I think the problem is I tend to want it too much. I tend to get too needy. And I do. I do want it too much. I want it too much, gods-dammit! I can feel myself getting too desperate and since that has caused a lot of my problems with LittleGoth, I have struggled to keep the neediness in check. Once I set my mind to it, I believe I can actually live alone, but I tend to forget about this every time I fall. Every common sense is out the window. On the outside, I am probably calm and distracted but on the inside, my mind is in turmoil. Everything's a mess, hundreds of thoughts churning in my head, struggling to be heard, plans and speculations, analyses and possibilities... my stomach is in knots, I couldn't even eat a lot. And I tend to lose myself in thoughts. I know I shouldn't be this way.

Can't things be simple for a change?

I guess I should pull out for a while...

Passenger Seat

“A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other...Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever”
― Dave Matthews Band

What a day. What a day. I almost believed that everything was lost. But then it's not. And we might just have had one of the best days of our life after a long while.

Outing

“When your heart is broken you plant seeds in the cracks and you pray for rain.” 
— Andrea Gibson

Hmm. Nagkaroon ng outing yung kabilang team nung nakaraang Sabado. Di ko sila ka-team. Pero sumama ako. Bakit hindi. Wala naman mawawala. Una sa lahat, di naman talaga ako umaasa. Tingnan natin kung may mangyari. Kung wala, ok lang naman din siguro. Live a little, ika nga. Kaysa gawin ko yung usual routine ko pag sabado, ibahin ko naman paminsan minsan. Minsan lang din naman yung mga ganyang outing, hayaan mo na yung Collecticon sa Megamall, wala na rin naman akong pambili dun.

Badtrip nung biyernes ng gabi. Andaming ginawa. Andaming issue. Andaming wala. Gustong gusto ko na matapos yung araw na yun. Wala rin naman ako sa mood magtrabaho matagal na. Kung may malilipatan ako siguro, matagal na ako umalis. Yun nga lang, di talaga ako naghahanap...

Umalis kami ng maaga, wala pa akong timesheet. Di bale sa weekend na lang. Antok na ako. May dinaanan kami sa BGC, yung gf ng kasama ko at yung nirereto nila. Mukhang mas ok naman sa personal kaysa sa picture. Di ko lang talaga "template" kumbaga. Ewan ko. Basta sa ngayon, hindi talaga. Pumunta kami sa bahay nung kasama ko at nag-agahan. Umalis. Sinundo yung major nya. Saka yung isa pa naming kasama. Blah blah.

Food committee daw mga kasama ko. Kaya mamimili pa ng mga pagkain. Dumaan sa palengke, nagbuhat ng mga karne at gulay. Pumunta ng puregold at namili pa ng kung ano ano. Sumama ako sa pamimili. Pero distansya. Wala rin naman tyempo. Maganda pa din. Mahirap tingnan ng matagal. Nakakasilaw. Pero siguro di na gaya ng dati. Ako siguro nanlamig na rin sa kanya. Kung makaramdam ako ng siga, inaapula ko agad ang apoy.

Dumating ang gabi. Konting idlip lang ang baon ko. Syempre pag teambuilding, may games. Akala ko honorary guest ako. Dapat di ako kasali. Pero syempre, isinali ako. Ka-team ko sya, sinadya nila, oo. Tapos may card game pang nalalaman. Ipapasa yung card sa katabi. Dapat sa labi yung card e papunta sa kabila, kaso ang ginawa nilang rule, basta gamit ang bibig. Syempre nagbigay ako ng clue, pwede naman gamitin ang bibig e di ipitin na lang yung card sa labi. Baka nga sinabotahe ko ang sarili ko. Pero di mo rin masabi baka lalong mapahamak e. Nung una di kami magkasunod. Di rin naman ako lumapit sa kanya. Gaya ng sinabi ko, wala naman akong balak ipilit. Tinigil nila bago magsimula, pinaglapit kami. Hmm. Napapangiti ako oo, haha, gusto ko rin naman. Sa lahat naman ng kateam ko sya ang pwede.

Malapit ang mukha ko sa kanya nung kinuha ko yung card na kagat nya. Kung hinawakan ko ang balikat nya, magagalit kaya sya? Ilang card din yun, ilang beses magkalapit. Di ko alam kung ano dapat maramdaman ko. Di ko naman alam ang pakiramdam nya. Gusto ko isipin na sana isang buong deck un, pero nung panahon na yun akala ko mananalo pa kami kaya binilisan ko lang din. Ayun, talo rin naman pala. Dapat dinahan dahan ko na.

Talo rin naman kami sa games. Kumain tapos nagsimula na ang gabi. Nag-abot abot ako ng inumin. Inabutan ko din sya. Pumili sya ng kanta habang inaalok ko sya, tapos lumabas yung iasng kanta, buttercup. sabi ko akin na lang yung kanta. Pumayag siya. Di ko akalain naging malaking bagay pala yun sa mga nandun. Kala nila kanta ko yung buttercup para sa kanya. At alam mo naman pag lasing ako, gusto ko silang masaya. Kaya habang nagchecheer sila naisipan ko naman tumingin sa kanya. Ayun naghiyawan lalo. Nung matapos yung kanta bumalik na ako sa may pool. Yun pala, kanta na nya yung kasunod. E Taralets yung title ayun hiyawan sila lalo. Nagkataon lang naman, yun naman mga kinakanta nya lagi. Natawa ako, sabi nila kailangan daw sagutin ko rin yung kanta. Ayun e nag-iisip ako ng kanta nung naisip ko yung Ewan. Yung kanta na yun sinadya ko talaga. Dahil wala naman talaga syang sagot sa akin e. Sana sumagot man lang sya.

Pero ano nga ba ang balak ko... Nitong nakaraang linggo, nagsimula akong kausapin ng isa kong katrabaho. Pangalanan nating Julie. At naramdaman ko habang nag-uusap kami, na parang nasa kanya yung klase ng usapan na hinahanap ko sana kay Meadow. Hmm. Mas tuloy tuloy ang usapan, mas masaya kausap. Yun nga lang di ko pa naaaya kahit saan. Di ko pa alam ang gagawin. Pero malaki ang potensyal para sa akin na ipursue tuloy.

Alam naman natin yung problema kay Meadow. Masyadong sarado. Siguro kung nagkaroon na ako ng girlfriend baka alam ko na kung pano. Pero dahil hindi pa, di ko kaya ang laro na gusto nya. May nagsabi sa akin, sumuko daw ako agad. Di ako naniniwala na kailangan mong pahirapan ang isang tao para malaman mo kung tunay sya. Walang taong di ka masasaktan sa buhay mo. At di lahat ng pinaghirapan ay gusto mo habambuhay. Sana man lang kung gusto mo din naman, iparamdam mo ng konti. Hindi yung parang wala lang. Kung nagpakita sya ng konti, di naman ako susuko agad e. Kaso wala akong nakuha.

Kaya naman kung papipiliin ako, malamang etong isa na lang. Iniisip ko kung tatanungin ko pa yung Meadow... kung aayain ko pa. Parang wala na ring sense kung parang mas gusto ko na si Julie...

Ramblings

“I hated them because they had something I had not yet had, and I said to myself, I said to myself again, someday I will be as happy as any of you, you will see.” ― Charles Bukowski


I wanted to talk to someone about this. But I can't find anyone I could, you know, talk to about this. Even people who tell me their secrets, I can't tell them unless they pry.

All this attention from her, is getting to me. I could say that I'm a bit surprised. It came out of nowhere. Here I was trying to get home, after spending time alone at the book fair. Getting online to play an online game on my phone and she strikes a conversation.

Ok, it didn't really come out of nowhere. Since we have talked long before. But there's something that happened yesterday. And I felt it strongly. And now as always, I don't know.

Am I jumping at this opportunity eagerly because like a parched throat I'm eager for a single drop? Maybe. I'm just a sucker for a good conversation.

Wishful Thinking

“Sometimes, I sit alone under the stars and think of the galaxies inside my heart, and truly wonder if anyone will ever want to make sense of all that I am.” — Christopher Poindexter

Months have past. And I have tried my best to ignore these feelings of loneliness. I can live on my own, gods-dammit, if I have to push myself to the edge just to make it work.

But I have to admit that while solitude has its benefits, it gnaws on your heart when you let it stay there for long. And I'd be lying if I say I didn't feel apathetic, depressed or disinterested at what life has yet to offer. There just seems to be no point to it at all.

Maybe I desire pain myself. All these self-sabotages and half-measures just to ensure I don't lose myself when I truly fail after giving it all. I fear it will break me. Maybe someday I could give it all. Maybe someday I'll know how it truly feels.
______________

So I'm back. After half a year, do we finally have a new one? The last one did not really have any closure but then again, there's no use hoping for one if it's not even important to the other. Anyhow, I sense potential. I still don't know. But I do find talking to her (the new one) less awkward and more of a two-way conversation... a real discussion with bantering back and forth. I think having someone who can I can have a good conversation with is very important to me. Hmmm. I don't know if she's like that with others. And I still don't know if I'll pursue. We'll see in the coming days, hopefully. Just need a couple more talks, maybe.

Lonesome

“When your heart is broken you plant seeds in the cracks and you pray for rain.”
— Andrea Gibson

It's been a while, I know. The urge to post to this blog has subsided during the past weeks. Maybe it's because I'm uninspired. I'm not sure. Not to mention the fact that I'm also busier than ever, since after reorganization, the team I now belong to has the most active projects than the one before. So, I never run out of things to do at the office. No time for quiet contemplation. I haven't even caught up to the list of things I have to do. Sometimes, during my shift, I'm so exhausted I wished the day has ended already because I don't want to think about work anymore.

But maybe being busy is a solace in itself, for I don't have to think about how lonely I really feel. Those walks and lunches alone do not help, but with my schedule and routine and also being a loner.

I think I'm beginning to accept the reality that maybe there is really no one for me. The eventuality of being alone for the rest of my life seems unavoidable with the trend of things. I know it's early to assume such things, but after everything, I just can't imagine it anymore. Maybe I'm saying this so that the irony gods will make me eat my words, which I'll gladly do, if they do decide to prove me wrong.

Follow-up

“What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.” 
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

We haven't talked.

I know it's been almost a month since I gave her those flowers and I'm still not sure why she pretended it doesnt mean a thing. I wanted so much to talk to her face to face. So she could flat out reject me. And then I'll know it's over. Not this constant wondering. We have both, on the outside, pretended it did not happen. If you didn't know a thing you wouldn't even notice, i think. If there is something I could be good at, it maybe pretending that nothing happened.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm the one who didn't have a clue when she said she did not date. Maybe I'm the one who didn't get it when she did not reply... maybe that was already a rejection in itself. She was willfully ignoring anything regarding that. And yeah, it's sad. I've been wrong again. Another unrequited love in the making. And I just couldn't handle anymore of that.

So I stopped. Even without the talk. It no longer seems necessary; because if there was some tiny bit of chance i would think she would explain herself at the very least and not leave me hanging like that.

It's sad... I'm sad. All this effort to bring my heart out was for naught... and now the painful process of putting my heart back in, wondering if I'll ever get it out again or will it just rot inside...

Stasis

“We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.” 
— Eleanor Roosevelt 

So things have calmed down a bit. Well, a lot actually, especially when compared to the turmoil of the past few days. A certain calm has seemed to replace all the tossing and turning we've had weeks, even months, before. It's a surrendered calm, I think, an apathetic peace of someone who does not know how to proceed.

We are at a standstill.

I haven't talked to her. No chat, no text, nothing whatsoever. My question last Monday was still the last word in the air. In this case, being in different floors have been a blessing. I could only imagine the awkwardness if we're on the same floor with my previous cubicle being near the pantry and the restroom. She would have to go all the way to the other wing if she did not want me to see her.

I am wishing our paths do not cross until we've had a talk.

I know we would need to talk eventually. If not for her, then for me. Get some closure on this thing, if there's really nothing we can do. But until then, I do not want to see her, especially with her group of friends. Not that I have anything against them, but I would rather that I could talk to her personally first before I interact with them.

Maybe next week, I'll ask for the talk.

Well, it's not as dreadful as we feared, this rejection... or this current semblance of rejection (since we haven't really gotten a straight NO yet.) Maybe it's me distancing myself from pain, but really, I feel numb actually. Like I was expecting it to happen. I didn't expect the circumstances to be as comedic or confusing as they were, but somehow, maybe I braced myself for the pain that would come if it didn't work.

But like what I said before, I did have to try. If only just to get it over with.

And there seems to be a peace that comes from doing what you want. For finally doing what you have set out to do. The nagging thought that is constantly blaming you for procrastinating, or that itchy thought you can't get rid of akin to when you think you forgot something... the said thoughts are suddenly gone. I guess there's a peace that comes from giving it a try, knowing that this time at least, it wouldn't be my fault for not trying.

I still wish it worked. Or somehow, that it will. But in my numb state I can't really feel. Until I get my answer from her personally I don't think I could move on. And already, there's a part of me that is wishing for her to say NO, just so I can claim this pain as my own.

The Cake is a Lie

“It’s not the pain I’m afraid of; I know about the pain. What I’m afraid of is the end of this small, sweet dream.” — Stephen King

Di ko alam. Di ko maintindihan.

Gusto ko sya isipan ng excuse kahit wala naman syang binibigay. Pero nanggaling na tayo dun di ba? Alam mo naman kung saan napunta ang mga tagpo na yun dati. Di maganda ang mga pangyayari. Baka naman dapat wag na lang. Mukhang ayaw e.

Wag ka nang makulit kasi.

Kakausapin ko sana kanina. Pagdating na pagdating sa opisina, ilalapag ko lang ang gamit ko, bubuksan ang laptop at iloload ang email, tapos ipiping ko sya sa lync. Na mag-usap kami. Kahit saan. Magkape o magtsokolate, magtakeout o maglakad. Kahit ano. Gusto ko lang magkausap kami.

Aayain ko mag-date. Hail Mary play ika nga ni Ikatlo. Yes or No lang. Dahil yung aya ko sa kanya nung Sabado, hindi nya sinagot. Nakita nya pero hindi nya pinansin. At lumipas ang mahigit sa 60 oras pero wala syang nabanggit. Baka nga kung tinext ko ang mga elemento, mas naramdaman ko sila.

Iniisip nya bang kung hindi nya papansinin, mawawala na lang basta? Na kung anuman ang meron, maglalaho na lang bigla?

Iibahin ko ang lugar. Baka naman ayaw na nya sa starbucks. E mukhang gusto naman ng tsokolate. Bakit di na lang sa tsoko.nut. Pagdating ko ng RCBC, umakyat ako ng third floor, tsinek ko kung bukas ba, kung maraming tao dun. Para kung ok naman, dun na lang.

Pagdating ko sa kanto ng 711, wah... andun sila. Buong pwersa ng mga kasama nya. Nasa tapat ng tsoko.nut. Nakita nya ata ako agad. Nagkatinginan kami. Namalik mata ba ako o umiwas sya ng tingin. Umiwas din ata ako ng tingin. Pero di naman ako makaatras dahil lumampas na ako ng 711 nung makita ko sila. Wala akong maidahilan kung bakit ako nandun. Nakita nila ako. San daw ako pupunta. Sarado na lahat ng tindahan sa hilera nun. Ah, kako, may bibilhin lang sa pan de manila...sabi kong nagmamadali makalayo. Nakita ko may bag na sya. Uuwi na, 930 pa lang... dati naman ginagabi sya kung di inuumaga.

Pagdating ko sa opisina, inisip ko kung paano sya kakausapin. Baka naman bukas, umuwi na naman ng maaga, wala akong madatnan kundi offline status nya. Ilang isip pa at labag sa ilang payo, tinext ko sya ulit. Sa viber para kita ko kung nabasa nya. Sinabi kong nagulat ako nung nakita ko sila. Kakausapin ko sana sya pero umuwi sya ng maaga. Baka naman bukas pwede kami mag-usap. Aagahan ko ang pasok para di sya makatakas (pabiro).

Para daw akong nakakita ng monster nung nakita ko sila. Tungkol san daw ba ang pag-uusapan namin.

Kako kasi di na sya nagreply nung nagtext ako nung sabado. Baka di pala sya mahilig sa LEGO. Tungkol dun sana.

Nagreply sya. Naku, pasensya na pero I don't go out on a date kasi. Sorry.

Ah sabi ko ako din di pa nakipagdate. Pero tanong ko lang bakit naman?

Di na sya ulit sumagot. Nakita ko na nabasa nya. Pero pinili nya na wag ako sagutin.

Di ko na alam. Parang ayaw ko na ng mga ganung laro. May sarili din naman akong bagaheng dala.

Confundus

“You are, at once, both the quiet and the confusion of my heart.” 
― Franz Kafka

Hmmm. Saka ko na ipopost yung mga pangyayari nung valentines. Tutal marami naman na ako nasabihan nun kaya medyo wala na yung drive para ikwento sa ngayon. Basta ang short version e: LOL.

Eto mas mahaba nang konti na version: LOLOLOL.

Pero seryoso. Lahat ng plano di natuloy. Daming contingency plans (weh), daming adjustments, kumbaga sa pba, kung ako ang coach ng ginebra nung game 7 nila baka nanalo pa sila kontra sanmig sa pagkaplano ko. Pero natuloy naman yung pagbigay ko ng bulaklak.

Palakpak naman kayo, first time ko yun ah. Di biro yun lalo na kung personal mo ibibigay, tingin ko. Baka nga kung di siguro ako bumili nung umaga, sa dami ng palpak na nangyari malamang di na ako bibili nung gabi. Nabili ko na nga sa lagay na yun, muntik pang di ko na ituloy. Ididisplay ko na lang sana sa cube ko yung simbolo ng pinakanakakatawang valentines ko so far.

Pero nabigay ko yung bulaklak. Nagulat sya ata. Pero natuwa din naman. Siguro. Ewan ko mukhang masaya naman sya nung nakuha nya. Wala naman atang ibang nagbigay sa kanya. Dami nga nilang escalations pero at least may bulaklak naman sya di ba?

Nagtataka lang ako. Kung ikaw lang ang taong binigyan ko ng bulaklak sa araw ng mga puso. Kalahating dosenang rosas na may mga abubot. At yung card na kasama may quote pa ni shakespeare (handwritten at umabot ng 5 lines). At sinabi kong nung umaga pa lang binili ko na yung bulaklak. At hindi naman ako kilala sa pagbibigay ng mga ganun kahit kelan. At kung niyaya kita magkape ng alas tres ng hapon sa valentines kahit na US shift ako. Out of nowhere dahil last year pa tayo nagkape. At sinabi kong nagbid ako sa auction mo ng 500. At before nun ako ang pinakaunang nagbid. At sinabi kong nagbalak din akong talunin yung 2500 na bid (di nga lang gumana), para lang makasama ka dun sa dinner na pakulo nila at dahil ayaw ko na iba pa ang makasama mo dun. At binalak ko antayin ang last minute nung bid para wala na makahirit. At gusto ko sana tayong dalawa lang sana nung nagkape tayo. At sana nakapagexplain ako kung tayo lang.

Hindi ka pa rin ba mag-aassume na meron akong gusto sayo? Wala pa rin ba akong binigay na pahiwatig o clue man lang na gusto ko tayo magdate?

Alam ko di ko nasabi ng diretso. Pero kung ahas ang pagtingin ko sayo e parang natuklaw ka na, wala ka pa rin clue. Kelangan pa ba sabihin nung ahas, psst... nandito ako, tutuklawin na kita.

Pwede naman ngang sobrang playing safe lang. Pero wala lang, sobra lang talaga kung ganun.

Di naman ako nagagalit o ano. Naiintindihan ko pa rin kahit pano. Nagtataka lang ako talaga. Kasi tinext ko sya at inaya ko lumabas at manood ng sine. Provided na love story yung movie at sino bang lalaki na walang motibo ang mag-aaya na love story ang panoorin nyong dalawa kung pwede naman yung LEGO movie na lang. Comedy na, tungkol sa laruan pa yung pelikula na yun -- win-win sa kin kumbaga. Tapos ang reply e ayaw nya dahil parang nagdate na kami nun kung kami lang dalawa.

Goodness gracious.

At nung nireplyan kong parang date nga. At kung naiilang sya gawin naming tanghali. Tapos ibang pelikula... yung LEGO movie na lang panoorin.

Radio silence. No reply. Naka-line naman sya. At online sa viber. Posible ba yun na di nya nareceive ang text ko.

Itetext ko sana kanina ulit. Pero wala akong maisip na text na mukhang di ako makulit. Pero masama ba na magexpect ako na replyan nya ako ng kahit ano dun sa text na yun. Halos 48 hours na ang nakalipas.

Aw.

Lagi ata ako natytyempo sa mga ganitong pagkakataon. Ayaw nya ba o pinagiisipan pa.

Di ko pa rin tinetext.

My Funny Valentine

"The best laid plans of mice and men, often go awry"
-Robert Burns

A madness most discreet

"Fire broke out in my heart, the flame spread, and one glance led to a thousand regrets." 
-1001 nights


Ack. Magkakasakit ata ako. Sinusubukan ko magrelax. Breathe in, breathe out. Di gumagana. Parang nastuck pa rin sa lalamunan ko yung puso ko. Gustong tumalon. Nakailang lunok na ako ah. Nandun pa rin. Di ko naman matanggal nang matapos na. Kung madudukot ko lang para makahinga na ako.

Gusto ko na malaman ang ending ng araw na to.

Inaantok ako. Pero di ako makatulog. Nagbasketball pa ako kanina nyan. Pagod ako. Pero walang tulong para mawalan ako ng malay, siguro mga isang oras lang na idlip, paputol putol pa ang naging tulog ko.

Sabog-sabog pa rin ang plano. Meron pero habang iniisip ko parang lalong sablay. Automatic thoughts. Na papalpak lahat. Anak ng baka. Bahala na. Teen spirit, walangjo. Parang ang tanda ko na para magkaganito.'

Isipin ko na lang muna yung kailangan gawin ngayong hapon. Saka na yung mga iba. Isa-isang problema lang nang di tayo manghina at mawala.

Isang dekada na rin pala nung February disaster. Maling mali ako nun alam ko. Napigilan ko sana yun siguro kung di lang ako mabait. Ayun tuloy nawala pa.

Kailangan kong kumbinsihin ang sarili ko na wala naman dapat ika-kaba. Wala pa naman di ba? Simula pa lang tayo e. Kung ako lang masusunod, di ko to gagawin ngayong araw.

Pero baka rin naman kung ako talaga ang nasunod, e hindi ko na to nagawa kahit kailan.

Normal na biyernes lang naman ngayon, di ba? Ni hindi nga holiday kahit na maraming nakaleave. Puro puso lang naman sa mga cube. Puro pula. Puro bulaklak. Puro tsokolate. Nagkalat sa facebook ang mga pares ng mga pinalad na pinagdiriwang ang araw na to. Pinagmamalaki ang mga bulaklak at tsokolate na natanggap nila, mga lunch nila kung san-san. Tiyak mamayang gabi mas madami pa yan.

Dumaan din kaya sila sa ganito?

Meron din naman mga rebelde, nagboboycott sa araw na to, mga bitter, mga sourgraping at meron din mga tahimik lang, mga taong tinanggap na lang ang kanilang sitwasyon. O kaya di na lang nagbukas ng facebook.

San kaya ako mapupunta?

Deja Vu

“I am coming to terms with the fact that loving someone requires a leap of faith, and that a soft landing is never guaranteed.” 
― Sarah Dessen

@#(*%!@#)!

Should have done it earlier. Should have done it when we planned it. Argh. Had we done that, we would have had a clearer picture. But there's no use regretting the moments that passed. What can't be cured, must be endured.

But man, what the hell. The bid is now at 2500. I could top that, but I don't think I will. The amount is ridiculous, and donating it to charity somewhat pretentious already. If it was not done by committee and was just by a single person... I don't know what to say. Kudos, probably.. (but I'll be saying different things in my mind...something akin to desperation and ego maybe)
I think my breath caught when I found out the amount. It was a 500% increase. It was way beyond what I planned I could spend for this. Maybe if I did not beat the bid too early, I could have managed to keep the amount low. At this rate, I wouldn't snipe-bid it for the world. Who can it be? I can't help but get the feeling again, that I'm up against someone with a lot of money to burn. It didn't end well before...

I knew this could happen the moment I saw her as a participant to this. And now that it has, things are now more difficult and complicated. As if it wasn't already.

But the day is not yet done...

The Pre-Valentine

“To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose is the next best.” 
– William Makepeace Thackeray

Isang araw na lang, Valentine's na. Sa buong buhay ko so far, ito na ata ang pinakaubod ng stressful na valentines sa lahat. Ito na. Walangjo. Kasalanan ko din naman. Dapat tapos na nung October kung nagkataon. Di na sana kumalat pa at nagsanga-sanga at gumulo. Wala na tayo magagawa, andito na tayo ngayon. Siguro umaayon pa naman ang mga bituin. Iniintindi pa ako ng sansinukob. Sa bagal ko na to, mukhang wala pa namang iba. Ewan ko lang din. Pero depende sa mangyayari bukas kung dapat na nating tigilan to. O dapat ba nating tunay na simulan.

Sana wala nang ibang magbid. Tsk.

Kailangan bang bilhan ng bulaklak talaga? Napaka-overpriced pa naman ng mga ganun bukas. Hmmm. Pero kung tutuusin, sa 27 24 na taon ko dito sa mundong ibabaw, di ko pa nagagawa yan. Kaya pwedeng ang laki naman talaga ng natipid ko. Kung 6 na taon na ako nagtratrabaho at kahit isa sa mga taon na yun e wala akong ginastusan talaga kapag mga ganitong panahon, ano naman kung overpriced sya ng isang araw sa isang taon, di ba? 5 taon naman akong nagtipid. LOL.

Mas mahalagang tanong e kung kayanin ko naman kayang dalhin yun sa kanya? O kahit sa pwesto lang nya. May naisip ako kanina na gagawin pero baka naman sablay yun pero ewan ko baka ituloy ko pa din.

Alam mo naman ako, sa dinami dami ng plinano ko, yung kape lang talaga ang kaisa-isang natuloy. "Panay ang plano, ngunit panay ang urong", sabi nga sa kanta. Ayan, kung di pa ako malalagay sa corner (na parang kasalanan ko din... sinadya ko ba, subconsciously ko bang gusto ipagkalat...), walang mangyayari.

Di ko naayang magkape kagabi. Pano ba naman in a meeting nung oras na aayain ko. Dapat pala nung tanghali na lang. E kasi late na dumating baka naman kumain na. E kaso yung speech di pa tapos. Wala pa nga e. Nung mga hapon ko na nagawa. Ayun. Tapos umattend na lang din ako ng training nung gabi kasi nga in a meeting sya. Tapos di ko na tinanong pagkatapos ng meeting nya. Kako Thursday na lang. Shit. Yun na namang procrastination e. Ipinagpaliban ko na naman. Tapos ang aga umuwi. Naman.

Ewan ko feeling ko malabo na rin mamaya. Anong oras na ako dadating? Ibig sabihin, kelangan talaga matuloy yung Friday. Fixed deadline. No extensions. Wala pa naman akong tnry so far ngayong year na nagsisi ako na sinubukan ko. Sabi nga nila, mas pagsisisihan ko yung mga di ko ginawa kaysa dun sa mga ginawa ko. So gawin ko na lang din dapat, di ba? Kahit na siguro mapapangiwi ako kada maalala ko to pagka sumablay. At maging tampulan ng tukso ng buong opisina. Hmmm. Araw-araw na nga mula nitong lunes ako kinakantyawan e. Tsk tsk. Pano pa kaya bukas, kung matuloy... Naku. Pero kung sakali, ok lang naman.

Baka dahil kasi sa pagkakataong to, totoo.

Tensionado

Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs. 
Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes.  
Being vexed, a sea nourished with lovers' tears.  
What is it else? a madness most discreet,  
A choking gall and a preserving sweet.  
— William Shakespeare

Iniisip ko kung bakit ako kinakabahan. Sobrang kaba ko, parang di ako makakakain. Nanlalamig ang mga kamay ko. Itutuloy ko pa ba. Parang ayaw ko na ituloy. Wag na lang kaya. Nyiii. Ayaw ko na. Wag na lang. Di ko na kaya. Aacck. Ayaw ko ng ganitong pakiramdam. Na parang may mawawala sa kin. Pano ako makukumbinse na wala. Hmmm. Wala naman mawawala talaga di ba. Malabo namang hindi nya ako kausapin, plus kung hindi nya ako kausapin ano naman di ba. Di ba? Ano kung mailang. Di naman maiiwasan yun. Sa lagay nga ngayon ilang na ilang na ako e. Ang hirap. Kailangan ko na rin malaman kung magbibid pa ako. Kung may pupuntahan pa ba to. Kung wala naman pag-asa di ba. At least tapos na. Gusto ko na matapos. Di ako makapagtrabaho. Lahat ng naiisip ko puro tungkol dito. Nalimutan ko na maglaro ng games, nawala ang hilig ko magbuo ng gunpla. Andami ko pa man ding backlog. Bakit ba kasi di ako tulad ng iba, wala na lang sa kanila yung mga ganitong bagay. Bakit ba walang sumagot sa kin noon, e di sana kahit pano may ideya na ako.. dapat di ako napaasa ng sobra. Kasakit tuloy. Ano ba gusto ko sabihin. 

Nike

"Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must, but take the step." 
— Anonymous


Argh. Lumala na. Dammit, nalaglag na ako. Di ko dapat hinayaan umabot sa ganito. Pano na lang kung hindi pwede. Pano kung ayaw pala. Pano kung wala na naman mangyayari...

Ang bigat ng pressure pag Valentines. Madaming expectation sa ere. Maraming umaasa, maraming napapaasa. Di ko na maalala yung mga nakaraan na valentines. Puro normal na araw naman yun kasi. Mas aware ka lang na single ka. Ang hirap ng valentines' para sa mga bitter, mga sawi at mga S.A.W.I (single at walang iniintindi). Pero baka pwede ko mabago yun ngayong taon.

Nagbid ako. Oo. Sumali ako. Takte. Katagal kong nag-isip na magbid. Tapos may tumalo sa bid ko kanina lang. Nainis ako ah. Shit, may makikigulo pa ata, yun ang naisip ko.

Dapat maaya ko na ulit magkape mamaya. Dapat masabi ko na.

Tama ata yung sabi nung isa kong tinanong. Habang lalo kong pinapatagal, lalo ko lang pinalalala. Lalo ko lang ibinabaon ang sarili ko. Mas mahirap magmove on pag nagkataon.

Pero di ko alam ang sasabihin ko. Di ko matipon ang mga naiisip ko. Naguguluhan ako. Iba-iba ang sagot ng mga tinatanong ko sa kung ano ang sasabihin. Bakit ba nagiging magulo. Di ba pwedeng deretso na lang.

Sabihin ko gusto ko sya. Matagal na nagstart pero di ko lang inisip masyado. Pinigilan ko. Madaming dahilan, madaming excuse, pero sa totoo lang... takot lang ako. Takot na maulit yung mga nangyari dati. Takot na sirain ko na naman yung chance ko. Kasi dati parang ok na e... pero di ko ata maiwasan magself-sabotage. Nawawala lang lahat. Takot ako na madisappoint ko sya. Na baka kulang ako. Na pag nakita nya ako sa loob e wala pala akong laman. O di ko maabot ang gusto nya. E people pleaser ata ako talaga. Takot na ma-reject na naman at balikan ang sarili ko at tanungin kung ano ba ang kulang. Parang mas mabuting wag na lang kaysa pagdaanan ulit yun...

Pero ewan ko ba, bakit ganun... biglang ayan na naman. Di naman nawawala. Lalo lang lumaki. Di ata talaga napipigilan yung mga ganitong bagay. Di naitatago. Di nawawala yung kagustuhan mo na sabihin. Kung di sa kanya, sa iba. Alam ko di ko naman sya ganun kakilala. Pero sa pagkakakilala ko sa kanya so far, gusto ko sya. Gusto ko pa sya makilala nang mas mabuti. Gusto ko din sana makilala nya ako mas mabuti. Malay natin di ba? Baka naman pwede pala. Bakit di naman namin subukan.

Exposed

"Tell one your secret, but beware of two. All know what is known to three." 
- Norse proverb

Blood and bloody ashes. I'm now seeing the results of my drunken mistake. It appears like the whole office knows, and it feels like the whole world knows. Why didn't I think it could go wrong? Damn alcohol, clouding my judgment and removing my inhibitions. I told it to 5 more people but apparently they are blabbermouths and now the word has spread.

That Meadow was the girl I had coffee with, four moons ago.

That she is part of the auction which will have a date with the highest bidder on Friday (sort of like the Basket Boys in Flipped) has now made it even worse. I think I uttered a curse when I saw her name. wtf? It was already complicated as it is. I haven't even gathered my thoughts on what I planned to do on Wednesday and much more on Friday. And now this.

What should I do? Should I bid? Doesn't that make it cheap? But if no one bids, I think it will be worse for her. But if someone else bids, it will be worse for me.

I could be hitting two birds with one stone here. But I'm worried it depreciates the actual thought. But if I make it good on Wednesday, then on Friday if I do win the bid, then...

Mirage

“Sometimes things become possible if we want them bad enough.”  
― T.S. Eliot

41 days to the year.

Well, just last Friday, I think I had my most drunken state yet. Not intentional, mind you, just the sequence of events made it so. It was supposed to be a light dinner with some beers to celebrate an office mate's birthday. Then, afterwards, some of the people involved were not yet drunk enough it seems, so they went to the next bar and ordered more. I had to go back to the office since it was technically still my shift and I had to keep up a pretense that I was there even though I wasn't. Submitted some tasks then went back and drank some more. This time there was plenty of drinks to go around. We were like 14 or more people there but there were more than 15 pitchers of that black stuff. Sweet poison. And we drank like there was no tomorrow.

By the time 6 pitchers were left, we were around less than 10 people (some had to go back to the office). We no longer had plans to finish it all, but some office mates came and helped us down the last two pitchers. But they came too late to my revelation, as I have already admitted the name of Meadow in my drunken state to those who were around without not much coaxing. The group erupted with cheers, as if there was already something where there is none. I don't know if that's a good thing, but when you're really, really drunk, there's not a care in the world.

The last group (4 people) was not satisfied with just the last two pitchers, so they went to the next bar that's still open at 5:00 in the morning. And I was dragged along with them. It was like a pub crawl. I was still myself, but was very drunk that some of the things that happened there I don't even remember. And I think that's the first time it happened. Too bad they didn't talk to me, or tell me to open up, because I could have talked a lot.

I was so drunk I fell asleep there. When they woke me up I just wanted to lay there on the street. But I have to go back to the office and keep a straight face so as not to let on that I am drunk. But as I walk I felt the earth moving along with me and me legs were really jelly, squishy and wobbly. It was a good thing my friend rode in a taxi and dropped me off near the building because I probably wouldn't have been able to manage.

Anyway, another big thing that has happened is that we now have a brand new car. I don't think I placed it anywhere in my wishlist. But I was also happy that my parents are happy having their own new car. All we had until now were second-, if not third-hand cars, and there were a lot issues, and failing parts. Now we own one. But yeah, it would be a lie if I deny that Meadow had something to do with the desire to have one. I think it was the YEP that made me start to think about getting a new car. I'll be paying for it, but my parents paid for more than a third, so I think I'll be able to manage the monthly dues.

Now I'll just need to learn how to drive.

The Road so Far

“If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting for the rest of our lives.” 
- Lemony Snicket

23 days into 2014 and where have we gone?

Well, for one thing, I've learned how to shoot a real gun. I went to a shooting range and they rented me a .45 calibre pistol. There wasn't much to it, really. Just feeling adventurous and because I've never brought myself to trying it before, even though I wanted to. I thought there was going to be a lesson or something about gun basics or gun safety but apparently at about P1051 for the whole session, it was all about shooting the target board until you run out of bullets.

They gave me 50 rounds to spend, and spend it I did. There was something exhilarating in shooting a gun in real life. It was like setting a firecracker. It was loud, even with headsets, and the range seem to explode with every shot. The recoil was disconcerting at first, but you get used to it. It really messes your aim, though. By the time I was done, the target was unrecognizable. Not because I hit all the vital points, but because my shots were all over the place. Apparently, I'm no prodigy.

I'll definitely go back there. The gun feels heavy after a while so I think it takes a lot of getting used to. But I had a new experience and it left me feeling good. Which brought me back to thinking...

One reason I had no post for two weeks, aside from being busy playing GTA V among other things, is that after the New Year I have decided not to go through with it (regarding Meadow). Probably because the last conversations I had were going nowhere and again I tried to repress it. Maybe there was already someone else. It probably won't work. I wouldn't know what to do. I have no idea how it works. All reasons not to go through with it convincing me that I should not even try.

I know it was the coward in me speaking, but I can't really push him away. Knowing it makes it worse. I was even thinking of setting a moratorium regarding talking about her in this blog until I've made a move. Which will mean I probably won't have any content at all.

I still think about her from time to time those past weeks, but I thought I had a better handle on it. Everything's fine if I don't see her or talk to her. I could go on thinking it was okay. That I probably didn't need it anyway.

But when I see her, the dam breaks.

All my resolve is gone.

I tried avoiding her, I did not even chat with her for two weeks I guess, thinking it would probably go away.

But yesterday, I couldn't avoid it.

And when I said hello, she ask what happened and said I was gone for a while. Hmmm. Does that mean anything? Did she miss me, maybe? Well, we later had a conference with the team regarding the thing I had to talk to her about in the first place. Some of her statements at the end has led me to believe that no one's actually courting her right now. Is she telling me this? Because if there is no one else, I would like to try... very much.

If only I can bring myself to do it.

Jitters

"Maybe there's something you're afraid to say, or someone you're afraid to love, or somewhere you're afraid to go. It's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt because it matters."  
― John Green

GODDAMMIT.

First Page

"Forget all the reasons why it wont work and believe the one reason that it will."
-anonymous

Hello 2014.

I managed to get drunk on red wine. Never thought those things could get you drunk. But apparently they can, when you drink the whole bottle. Yey! People at our home would probably frown on this (they think drinking is a vice) but I don't care...

This year I get to make new mistakes.

So I welcomed this year working. Hopefully, although that might mean my whole year is work, I hope it just means I'm secured in my job throughout the year. I'm still not sure what would happen with the whole acquisition thing going on, my company getting eaten by a larger one, but I'm fairly optimistic that things would get better.

Hopefully, although our teams will get reorganized, I won't shift very far from the people I've gotten close with this year. There are still a lot of questions regarding this and I still don't know how it would pan out. I hope I'll still be in the same team as Meadow. And that I'll still be on US shift (for financial reasons)

I will say, drunk as I am, that I sort of envy my sister. I mean she has maybe found the love of her life. It's a rare thing I think, and I'm still not sure if they're going to last... but things seem to be off in a good start. When we were talking before I think she mentioned she has not felt it ever, true love that is. But now, there is no doubt to me that that is what she has. I wish it upon myself, that hopefully I'll find my own. I mean, I have wished it time and again but I've taken baby steps to do something about it.

This year should be different.

I've come a long way in the past years, and now I've reached a point that it seemed time is now faster than it ever was. Maybe as you get older, time is faster in your perspective. I feel like I'm running out of time. Another year and I'll be 28 years old. Damn.

28 years single. C'mon 2014, give me something.

Well, I hope I could make a move on Meadow. I mean, really, 3 months of blogging mostly about her should account to something. I still can't get a read on her. But talking to my friend, it may be because my intentions are unclear. I wish I could get a date with her. And that it would be a good one. Argh. Such things, when you think too much, you'll never get anywhere.

I hope I have the courage to make changes, and be not afraid of trying out new things and even committing mistakes. I hope I could leave my comfort zone and see the world beyond. And learn. And have fun.

I do want to know how it feels to be in a relationship. C'mon 2014, give me something.

Hopefully, I'll still be active in this blog. It's been a while and nobody's really reading it I think. But it's such a relief to get my thoughts out there. I wish I could write about other things.

Hello 2014. Please be good to me. Help me take more calculated risks, and have the courage to accept that I could make mistakes, but that it will make me better. May I get out of my comfort zone and grow. And maybe looking back at this post, I will have a smile on my face telling myself, "oh my, how far I did go".