Thursday, February 20, 2014


“We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.” 
— Eleanor Roosevelt 

So things have calmed down a bit. Well, a lot actually, especially when compared to the turmoil of the past few days. A certain calm has seemed to replace all the tossing and turning we've had weeks, even months, before. It's a surrendered calm, I think, an apathetic peace of someone who does not know how to proceed.

We are at a standstill.

I haven't talked to her. No chat, no text, nothing whatsoever. My question last Monday was still the last word in the air. In this case, being in different floors have been a blessing. I could only imagine the awkwardness if we're on the same floor with my previous cubicle being near the pantry and the restroom. She would have to go all the way to the other wing if she did not want me to see her.

I am wishing our paths do not cross until we've had a talk.

I know we would need to talk eventually. If not for her, then for me. Get some closure on this thing, if there's really nothing we can do. But until then, I do not want to see her, especially with her group of friends. Not that I have anything against them, but I would rather that I could talk to her personally first before I interact with them.

Maybe next week, I'll ask for the talk.

Well, it's not as dreadful as we feared, this rejection... or this current semblance of rejection (since we haven't really gotten a straight NO yet.) Maybe it's me distancing myself from pain, but really, I feel numb actually. Like I was expecting it to happen. I didn't expect the circumstances to be as comedic or confusing as they were, but somehow, maybe I braced myself for the pain that would come if it didn't work.

But like what I said before, I did have to try. If only just to get it over with.

And there seems to be a peace that comes from doing what you want. For finally doing what you have set out to do. The nagging thought that is constantly blaming you for procrastinating, or that itchy thought you can't get rid of akin to when you think you forgot something... the said thoughts are suddenly gone. I guess there's a peace that comes from giving it a try, knowing that this time at least, it wouldn't be my fault for not trying.

I still wish it worked. Or somehow, that it will. But in my numb state I can't really feel. Until I get my answer from her personally I don't think I could move on. And already, there's a part of me that is wishing for her to say NO, just so I can claim this pain as my own.

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