Taut

“Once you've got a task to do, it's better to do it than live with the fear of it."
- Logen Ninefingers, - Joe Abercrombie, The Blade Itself

It probably won't work.

Haha. I'm sorry, I know if you're reading this you are getting tired of it. I'm getting tired of it as well. If I had butterflies in my stomach since this whole thing escalated, what I now have are their children's children. Such is the long time this is taking me.

Well, the first steps are the hardest, I guess. The anticipation of the daunting task ahead. Like speaking for the first time in front of a crowd, even when you think you're prepared, it's suddenly very easy to back out. Not go through with it. Breathe a little easier. Maybe I'll just do it some other time, you know. Just not now. The words are stuck in my throat. I can't breathe. I'll probably fail if I go through with it, anyway.

Maybe if I can do this and look back, I'll laugh at how ridiculous all these things have been. That it's not really so hard that I'm losing a lot of sleep on this. And I'm not eating that well, losing weight because I've been thinking about this a lot. I'm even catching myself drifting in thoughts most of the time. Maybe it's not the person, but the circumstances. After all, it's been a long time since we've felt this again.

There are more important things I know, but what I feel, I just can't control. I've been laughing at myself before as to how hopeless and needy I became during those times and I didn't think I'll go back to being one again.

I've been looking back at the past and all I can do was cringe at the things I did. And become sad at the things I did not do. I always regretted that I could have done something more and I didn't. I might have set myself up for failure. That given the chance, if I could go back in time, I would give more. Maybe things would have been different. Maybe I would have been happier. Who knows? I don't know. Such is the road not taken, as they say, you never know where it might have led.

But now another fork in the road is in my face. I'm stuck with indecision... with inaction. But I'll push through. I have to. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I don't.

It probably won't work.

But I will try.

Heisenberg

"The very essence of romance is uncertainty."
- Oscar Wilde

The title of this post might be misleading, either because of the namesake's principle or since Breaking Bad (which is one the best TV series there is, IMO) has made the name Heisenberg synonymous to a badass meth chemist/druglord/kingpin... but yeah, this is unrelated to both.

There have been good signs everywhere lately and now I'm thinking, yeah, this would probably work. It might just. I could pull it off. I still don't know how, but where I have been feeling desperate that there's no chance, not even remote, I'm now getting more inclined to a positive perspective. There have been many times in the past weeks that I have thought of giving up and not trying. But every time, I get a "pull" (imagined?) from her, and then I'm back at the edge.

What has happened the past days have shifted me to this view. I still have to initiate the talk most of the time, but at this stage, her response makes me think I'm connecting with her somehow.

Yeah, unless I've been very wrong at reading people (still a possibility), I'm thinking that she is responding to me well.

It makes the jump I'm so scared of before, not as scary. Maybe I've been calmed by not rushing. Who knows what would've happened had I jumped earlier. She might have been repulsed by the sudden surprise.

But now maybe it's a more positive sign? I don't know. I think after that trip abroad she started talking more. I've been reaching out more, making a point to talk to her through chat or going to her cube and talking to her there each day. I could still see it meaning as her just being friendly. I've been biased with people I liked with regards to how they think of me. But hopefully I'm not wrong in this one.

I'm being baited (intentional or not?) and I'm gladly, helplessly and willingly taking the bait.

Even the Universe appears to be conspiring...I know I jokingly blamed it before, but it appears to be making amends. I heard that song while walking last saturday. Then when I rode the bus, Home Alone 2 was playing. Although I still remember what happened in the film, I've forgotten most of the dialogue, watching it back when I was young (and didn't understand these things). And if this exchange between the boy and the bird lady was not intended for me, well... I'll let you be the judge:

Bird Lady: The man I loved fell out of love with me. That broke my heart. When the chance to be loved came along again, I ran away from it. I stopped trusting people.
Kevin McCallister: No offense, but that seems like sort of a dumb thing to do.
Bird Lady: I was afraid of getting my heart broken again. Sometimes you can trust a person, and then, when things are down, they forget about you.
Kevin McCallister: Maybe they're just too busy. Maybe they don't forget about you, but they forget to remember you. People don't mean to forget. My grandfather says if my head wasn't screwed on, I'd leave it on the school bus.
Bird Lady: I'm just afraid if I do trust someone, I'll get my heart broken.
Kevin McCallister: I understand. I had a nice pair of rollerblades. I was afraid to wreck them, so I kept them in a box. Do you know what happened? I outgrew them. I never wore them outside. Only in my room a few times.
Bird Lady: A person's heart and feelings are very different than skates.
Kevin McCallister: They're kind of the same thing. If you won't use your heart, who cares if it gets broken? If you just keep it to yourself, maybe it'll be like my rollerblades. When you do decide to try it, it won't be any good. You should take a chance. Got nothing to lose.
Bird Lady: Little truth in there somewhere.

This should be the week or never, numbskull. Ok? Please.

Any further waiting on her side would no longer help my cause, I think. It might even tip the odds against me. If this is another unrequited thing, it would be better to get it over with as early as now. Not when I'm deeply obsessed and the wound has already festered.

Headache

“A man so painfully in love is capable of self-torture beyond belief.” 
- John Steinbeck

Open Letter

“One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple.” 
- Jack Kerouac

Hello.

I know I've been very, very slow. Left to my own devices, I probably would have slowed down to a halt. I have not done anything in forever and I blabber on that I'm going to do it but when push comes to shove I back out, horrified of the possibility that you would turn me down and reject me, or things would get awkward after that moment.

All unfounded fears, really. Because a lot of people have already turned me down in the past, some downright rejected me, some letting me down easy and some just plain ignoring me for the rest of their happy lives. I've survived somehow. I have moved on, I would say. It was a painful process because it does take me a long and hard time to take out my heart and offer it to them and I just can't get it back in any easier when things end up bad. It was so painful that I've always hesitated doing it again for a long time. And now I'm carving it out again and it's freaking me out. Freaking. Me. Out. If it doesn't work, I'll have to do it all again. Things have gotten so awkward in some cases that I never even talked to them again because it was never the same. Something was lost and apparently it was lost forever.

I know we don't even have that. We're not really close or anything, just friends, a little level over casual acquaintances. You have your walls and I have mine, and we even have different sets of friends. We used to be at different levels but now we have the same job. But still, we're working on different shifts, different teams, and now even on different floors. Such a wall of impossibility that I have never dared to climb in the past so I just tried not to think about it. I told myself that you will find someone else and that if I tried, it wouldn't have worked. But it was always at the back of my mind. That maybe if I put myself into it, I could make it work this time. But I waited for an opportunity that we could get closer.

And I waited. But it appears, you pretty content up there in your walls. And for a time, I was, too. I had all the time in the world for myself, to go places I wanted to go and do things I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do them. I had the money to give to my family and still have enough for myself and my simple joys. But as I've read, solitude will break you with its yearning. I have been the third wheel, and even the fifth wheel at times, and I tell you, it's not a good place to be. You would envy those couples, so happy with each other and wonder why no one is with you.  It was okay and I thought I could live with it. I'm generally a loner and my thoughts have been my unintended companions but I was usually fine with that.

But now, I'm not.

This yearning has taken its toll on me for weeks. Suddenly the urge to try is so strong I don't know where these feelings came from. Like a dam overflowing, it makes me think of nothing else. I knew I always liked you. You are beautiful and everyone knows it. That if there's anyone I would want to be with in the office, well, it would be you. I don't know a lot about you. And I've made that a basis of my inaction. But what I know and what I see and hear so far, I like. You're simple and bubbly, I've never seen you angry or sad. Always happy. And I like talking with you. Although that maybe in part because I do like you and I'm interested to know you that I want to talk with you. You brighten me day with each reply. Just the opposite when you don't. Never has the "seen" function been more painful as it is right now.

I know it's just the surface. Which is why I'm so hesitant to take the jump. I don't know if it's enough for me to push through with it. I'm not yet sure. But I guess if I don't make a move, I won't really know. I'm not blessed with such good looks or good fortune that women would take out their hearts in a heartbeat.

It would take a lot of work to build a siege tower for your walls.

I know I do have to ask you out. It's the only way to know you if you're not giving any ground or I can't see if you want me to. I've read people wrong before.

If I can make such a fuss over a 30-minute coffee break, what more can a date do. You see why it's so hard. I wouldn't know what I'm doing. I haven't done anything. My sister tells me, I play it too safe. And I do. But hopefully I'm honest enough that I could sway you and we could get comfortable with each other. And maybe have another date or two. And if it still fails, I would at least know that this time I tried and I did the things I never do.

But can you wait for me to take out my heart and put it out there? You can tell me to shove it back after, but please wait for me to get it out first and get you to look at it. Maybe you'll like what you see in me. What's the harm? I swear it won't take long, but I did hide it up so well it's hard to bring out. I'm talking about my heart, just in case we forgot.

But yeah, wait for me and I could make it worth your while.

Edge

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” 
- Louise Erdrich

It's almost 3 weeks after that last coffee break. And nothing's happened so far. How are the days blowing by so fast. I've been able to talk to her through facebook IM while she was away and although she wasn't regularly online, when she is, she replies. Maybe because I'm leaving her questions to answer (although she's not asking questions) but she gives me answers that I can proceed on.

I would think, that if she doesn't have an inkling as to what all this attention is about, is that she would be dense or too unassuming. I hope she thinks something is up, although that means I have to step it up and get to the point. I'm really hoping I can do this tomorrow. I admit I have been drinking for two nights already and no one's even thought to ask me anything about it when I feel like I desperately want to tell them I have no idea what I'm doing and ask them, what do I do. But everyone's got their own problems, I guess.

I feel like a pufferfish. Because other people seem to overestimate what I could do. Just because I could puff up very big doesn't mean I'm really capable. Maybe I'm really good at pretending most of the time, although when things that affect me very much are happening I can't really control myself. I need to do this because I've losing weight for all this thinking and I might have diabetes if I continue stressing about this. Every time she replies is a bright light in my day and I feel I can do it. And it could work you know. Stranger things have happened.

Just. Do. It.

I've been prone to pessimism ever since and this blog has been witness to my rants of self-doubt. Especially when it comes to relationships. I know better than to give voice to those thoughts but they really creep in and cause my inaction. I wish I could split up and let the positive me take over for a while. I've had my share of baggage and I just want some change around here. Really, how does it feel to be in a relationship?

I want this done. I don't want it to be over but I want this part of questioning the what ifs done. I'll just be honest tomorrow and take a chance, really. What's the worst that could happen? Maybe she'll reject me and never talk to me again, which being office mates will prove difficult. If she won't talk to me again, we're pretty much were we are right now. All we talk about is work. And I want to talk to her about different things. I'm thinking she has a lot to say, just like me. Just who to tell it to, maybe. And she did build a lot of walls maybe. Like me.

There is nothing to lose, right? Other people might know if I do fail, but it does mean I tried, after all this time, I do have to try. I know I have some future proposal of attempt in case things don't work very far in the future but really, NOW is what's important.

Bone for Tuna.

The Universe

“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.”  
― William Shakespeare

Well, I always know I can blame myself for anything that happens or doesn't happen. But last Thursday, I found out she was going out of the country for a week. And I will blame the Universe for it. Ha! I know I had a plan to do it last Wednesday and then I didn't, then pushed it to Friday. But she went down to our floor on Thursday and by then I still didn't know she was going on a vacation. I didn't go near her, I can't find an excuse to do so, aside from the fact that I do want to be near her. But I was looking at her from afar and I felt really, really tormented. "I don't think it would work" was all that I could think.

I know I wished for this feeling because it's really been a long time since I've been smitten. But I realized why it don't like it very much when I used to feel it before. But, yeah Universe, I blame you for it.

Before, I could push it out of my mind and just focus on something else, but now, I can't really focus on anything. It's on my mind constantly, and it feels like it's trying to get out, destroying my insides in the process. I've been trying to keep it in and I've been successful before. But now I just can't. Maybe it's true, solitude has broken me by its yearning. And I just owe it to myself to try.

Fears

“If you dare nothing, then when the day is over, nothing is all you will have gained.”  
― Neil Gaiman, The Graveyard Book

Nothing was gained indeed. I did a lot of tossing, turning and procrastinating. Then I gave up. I don't know. I stared at the screen for more than an hour. When I wanted to stop time it just sped forward even more. I hesitated and hesitated and hesitated time and again. I hate myself right now. This feeling is making me sick. Just a drop of the finger on the ENTER key and the world right now would have been different. I'm sorry. I'm just pretty damaged, I guess. I'm trying to remember what made me this way. I opened up some forgotten memories of how I squandered a lot of chances. I don't know why I tend to do that. There's like a very huge wall in front of me and I've tried to get over it a lot of times and I gave up for a while. Didn't even notice it right in front of my face. And now it's just worse. I can see it everywhere I look. How did those people do it? How did they get over their wall?

Maybe she's in the same place as me. Maybe I can dream on and think she's waiting for me to act. I gave a fleeting glance at her yesterday and I felt very sad. I'm very distracted these days I often find myself thinking. And I remember how I acted way back on college and why I felt that way. Because it's happening again. I need to do something. Need to take action. I just got to get this off my chest. I think it's unhealthy, this much longing. Very destructive. If I see her still tomorrow even though there's a super typhoon passing through the country, this would have to be done. I won't think anymore and I won't hesitate. This needs to be done, dammit, two weeks ago! I think the key is to push forward and don't wait for those automatic thoughts to kick in. Remember how happy I was when I did something. I need that drug again. I need an end if it won't work out.

Monologue

I've never been good at making plans. I never even had a planner. If I had to make a speech or a presentation, I make up some half-attempt at a plan on a piece of paper and hold it in my hand while I recite. It worked most of the time. I could usually wing it or make it up as I go along.

I've tried to make a plan for tomorrow. I even sat down with a pen and paper and set out to think what I should do. But I was never able to write anything concrete and I just threw the paper away.

Argh.

Preparation

"All things are ready, if our mind be so."
― William Shakespeare, Henry V

There are times I feel confident about what I'm planning to do. That it would work and she would say yes and then it would all go well and there would be another one. That although there might be awkwardness at the start, she'll warm up to it as it goes along and we'll both have a good time.

I've been having dreams about it too and I'm happy in them. I don't think I have ever been rejected in my dreams. Probably just means my subconscious is really very optimistic.

But doubt creeps like a thief and I'm suddenly aware of possibly failing. And I can't help thinking maybe I should back off and save myself some pain of again not being worth the trouble.

I wish there was a way I could put those times of confidence in some bottle of sorts and save them up for later when I need them most. Like storing up a mana potion that I could use for my confidence spell. But I think I'll also have to conjure an armor that will protect me from any form of rejection be it subtle, blatant or preemptive.

I would be ready with my bottle (too bad it's imaginary and not alcoholic because I could use some lack of inhibition) before I state my intent, open it up and take in all that confidence and just hit it out of the park. Maybe invoke an encouragement charm. Or like a mistborn flare some brass and soothe the other's emotions.

I don't have anything to lose, right? I mean, I'm currently with no one. And we'll still talk if she rejects me, although I think it would be professional. But first things first. There would be a time to figure out what will happen next once I state my intent.

Argh. I wish I could see the future and just see how I fare a week from now.