Wet Floor

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.

So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.”
 ― Neil Gaiman

So two more days to go before the year is done. But I've pretty much chalked 2013 as done and done. The two remaining days are holidays here and I'll probably work (and be hopefully drunk on the 31st) at home to submit my escalated deliverable. I'm hoping to finish it tomorrow so I'll just fake-work on the 31st. I mean, who wants to work while everybody's celebrating?

I've been looking at previous December posts and thinking of my past Decembers. And pretty much, these latest years have been the same. I'm not sure if I'm a fan of change, because my comfort zone is cozy enough for me, but there are times I appreciate a different routine. For some things I can willingly leave the zone, for other things I'll have to be dragged out tooth and nail.

I hope I'll have the courage to try. I know I'll make mistakes. But I hope I have the courage to push through despite failures staring me at the face...

Or else nothing new will come. And come next December, we still haven't learn our lesson.

Any Road

"If you don't know where you're going, any road'll take you there" 
- George Harrison, Any Road

Most people are on leave this week. After all, it's the holiday week. We have bunched holidays and a few working days in between. Usually around this time I'm at home and on leave. But ever since I became a lead, I'm always working these holidays. I think I took it upon myself to allow some of my people to take their leaves this week instead of me. Sort of noble I guess, but I just think that I would like to be a team lead that I want my team lead to be back then. So I worked last Christmas Eve, I worked last Christmas. I'll even work on the 30th and the New Year's Eve probably.

I'll just think of the overtime pay. After all, I did spend a lot this year. So I'll need the money back. I think my expenses are growing every year. We're even planning on getting a new car next year. I'm afraid I'll over-extend, with my mother on retirement and not enough money going in from my father and sister.

Anyway. That quote above is a very good quote. Made me think. You know me, I've never been really sure where I'm going. Back then, I did not know what I'll be or what I want to be. I think it's a part of me that never wanted to be sure anyway. So if any road can take me there, I might as well take that road. What could I lose, I don't have a fixed destination anyway.

I've been talking with Meadow some of these past days. We've been talking longer through chat, I believe. Mostly about work, with bits and pieces of other things. Maybe that's because she's on leave and not as busy. And those times, I am giddy. I mean, just today I was irritated that I was given another task from one of their projects, an escalated project at that, but when she talked with me apologizing for the inconvenience, I told her it's ok. And surprisingly, it was suddenly ok. As fast as a snap of the fingers.

So if there's really nothing to this, why am I like this. Thinking about it, about her all the time. Hmmm. Could this go anywhere? Sigh. I think there's nothing between her and that other guy I talked about. I don't know why. But I've been observing them and it doesn't look like there's anything. I might still be wrong. But I'm really wondering why.

I would like to give it a try myself. I just don't know how. Should I just be honest and tell her I don't know anything about this but I'm willing to learn. I mean if she's not doing anything, why not give it a chance, right? We could walk on that any road and maybe get somewhere. But I don't know if I'll come across as incompetent and inexperienced, and that it will turn her off. But honestly, I don't know anything about this. I mean I can give advice to other people, I don't know how when all I had was pain and little periods of joy.

I could pretend to know something or everything about this, give off an air of confidence and high self esteem, but if I could do that, it wouldn't be me...

Delay

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” 
- Dr. Seuss

Patapos na naman ang taon. Isang linggo na lang at ilang araw, mamamaalam na ang 2013. Nagwish ako ng lovelife last year. Hmmm. Hindi ko pa rin masasabi ngayon kung meron na ako nun. Malamang sa malamang, wala pa rin talaga.

May sinubukan sila ireto ah. Pero di gumana e. Di ako pinansin e. Tapos malaman-laman ko, engaged na agad. Parang kaka-boyfriend lang nya ilang buwan pa lang, papakasal na. Waw. Baka naman soulmate. Matagal na raw magkakilala. Pastor pa yung lalaki. Baka maka-Diyos naman talaga. Baka naman mapusok lang. Haha. Baka naman mahal talaga.

Buti pa sila. Lol. Ako, wala pa rin?

Lack of trying? Maaari. Kaya naman wala naman ako talagang masisisi. Tila ba ako si Juan Tamad. Nakanganga at naghihintay malaglag ang bungang nakasabit pa sa sanga. Bakit nga naman ba, di subukang abutin? Baka naman kaya pala. Kung di kayang abutin bakit di yugyugin ang puno hanggang mahulog ang bunga? Di ko pa sinusubukan abutin, iniisip ko agad, baka di ko rin naman gusto. Na mukhang mahirap yun abutin. Na matrabaho yun kunin tapos baka mamaya, di pala para sa akin. Daming dahilan, daming patutsada. Eh kung wag na lang kaya. Baka may iba pang bunga. Baka may iba pang puno.

Pero dito ko gusto mag-antay. Di ko na makita yung ibang bunga. Di ko na naiisip yung ibang puno. Eto lang naiisip ko lagi. Hmm. Di ko dapat hinayaang lumala ng ganito. Di ko dapat inisip ng inisip. Ayan wala na ako magawa ngayon. Na-inception na ako. Di ko na maalis. Di ko na magawa na di sya isipin. Walangjo.

Dapat ata iba na lang winish ko. Kung alam ko lang babalik ako sa pagiging ganito. Akala ko graduate na ako dun.

Pag di raw ako tumaya, talo na agad. Ayoko na tumaya e. Huhu. Bakit ba walang kasiguraduhan sa mundo para sa akin. Alam ko lang, pag nakikita ko sya, may nararamdaman ako. Hmmm. Baka nga naman kras lang. Kras lang naman siguro. Dun naman ata nagsisimula. Ewan. Nalilimutan ko ata huminga nung nakita ko sya kahapon sa party ng mga pangkat-pinuno. Tsk. Nung nakita ko sya masaya, waw. Pinipigilan kong tumingin nang tumingin sa kanya. Tsk tsk. Parang teenager lang walangya.

Pero hirap kasi syang i-reach out. Ewan ko ba. Alam mo yun. Hirap. Ichat mo, minsan di nagrereply. Itext mo, minsan di nagrereply. Iemail mo, minsan di nagrereply. Busy lang ba, o ayaw ba talaga? Sadyang ganun lang ba talaga sya, ayaw sa hindi personal na pakikipag-usap? Saka parang si faith e. May mga reply na ang hirap gawan ng katuloy. Parang hindi nagfloflow yung usapan. Nauubusan din ako ah. Pwede naman magcontribute sa usapan, di naman bawal. Para lang magtuloy-tuloy...

E di puntahan di ba? Sa pwesto? E sala talaga. Gusto ko sya kausapin kung sya lang ang nandun. E laging may ibang tao dun. Sala sked. Sala ang floor. Puro sala.

Hmm. Matatapos ang taong ito na wala talagang nangyari. Di na rin ako papasok sa opis sa susunod na linggo kaya malamang sa susunod na taon na to. :( Susubok ba tayo next year? Dapat. Kundi, wala talagang mangyayari.

Dami nating tanong, simple lang ba talaga ang sagot?

Sleigh

“Maybe there's something you're afraid to say, or someone you're afraid to love, or somewhere you're afraid to go. It's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt because it matters.” 
- John Green

What a week, eh? What a week.

We have postponed this time and again, and have thought of times when we should do it. We still haven't. I don't know. There are times I've thought maybe there's already someone making a move. I mean I there's that one guy hanging around her and they've known each other for a long time. I don't know if he was friend-zoned or he's gay or what is going on. If he haven't tried already, I'm thinking he is gay. Not that there's anything wrong with it, just that I can't imagine being that close to her and not even trying.

Look who's talking, but in my defense, I'm not that close to her as he is, you see. So maybe he's affecting my plans, unintentionally. Because I can't get her alone when they're hanging around her all the time. If they're eating together and going home together (albeit always with other people and never just the two of them), won't you think there's something going on? Or maybe I'm just making excuses not to go through with it. Such fear of the unknown.

I'm paralyzed with thoughts of her. If I'm always thinking about this, I should do something about it, right? How else can I get it to stop. When I never seem to want to...

Last Wednesday we had the Christmas party with her team, of which some people are part of mine. Confusing, but that's bureaucracy for you, I guess. But I'm not complaining here. I gleaned off some things being with her. Maybe I'm getting blind here, but those things I see, I still like. And yes, I found out I do want to be close to her...

The next day, I saw her again where we ate dinner. She was with her other friends at another table. And I couldn't resist going near her. Even if I'm just asking about a little thing, using it as an excuse to go over. I'm also looking at her when I could. I wonder if my pupils are dilated when I do.

Last Saturday during the year-end party, I even imagined talking to her alone and maybe asking her then and there. But alas, that morning of Saturday, I got sick. I vomited twice on the bus going home and was feeling so sick. I think I even got a fever. But still, I went to the year-end party. Because I already bought something to wear. And there's a penalty if you registered and did not attend. And I could see her as well. I won a 500 php gift check for my trouble, so the night wasn't a total waste.

But strangely, when I saw her, she never even seemed to look at me. It was strange. We never even talked the whole night. I don't even have a picture with her. She was very distant that night. But she looked beautiful. As always. But alas, as the night went on, instead of getting better, I felt even more and more sick. I had a terrible headache. I can't stand for too long. And I felt like vomiting again. I wanted to lie down on a bed and sleep it off. So I did steer away from her. There were several plans for an after party but after too much ado, I just went back to the office to rest. I found out she and her friends also went home after coffee. I was able to chat with her for a short time. I was the last message again. But it felt good that I talked with her.

Hard to read people, really. Maybe knowing one's thoughts is a good enough superpower for me. I would really like telekinesis or teleportation or time travel. But definitely knowing her thoughts will trump those powers right now.

The December Incident

“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.” 
- Anaïs Nin

I remember being in this position a decade ago. At around this time many years past, I have had thoughts like this. Should I go through with it? I was still not sure about what I feel at the time. I would like to know her better, and I like being with her and talking with her, etc. But what if she said no. Things would get very awkward... such a waste because we were getting close those past months. I mean, before that was only little goth and back then I never tried with anyone else. I did not know how these things were supposedly done.

Nothing has really changed even after 10 years, it's no longer funny. That when it comes to things like this, I still make things difficult for myself.

-----------------------------

I remember there was supposed to be a letter because it was already Christmas break, and she was already back at her province. There was no way I could talk to her personally. I had typed it on a word document and saved it on a diskette. I've forgotten what it was exactly about, and sadly I don't have a copy of it anywhere. But in general, I think it was a confession of my feelings and how I believe I got there or something.

I think I was planning to send her an email (copy paste and then send) and the thing was on the diskette that I was carrying on my way to my friend's house that day. Why an email? Maybe so if she rejected me, I wouldn't know it right away. Internet was still a scarce thing back then, we didn't have it so it would take days if not weeks before I know her reply. At my friend's house, I was using his internet because I had to get my schedule for the following term. I was talking to her through chat about sections and other things. But then, my two friends who were with me and knew her but didn't know what I feel about her, had an idea...

In what would be forever ingrained in my memory as the "December incident", they immobilized me and typed words at the chat in my stead, telling her that I liked her and such.

It was a nightmare. I had to take back what I supposedly "said", right?

I should tell her that it was all a joke, that it was a prank that they pulled on me that affected her. They said I should be getting a girlfriend already, and I was too slow, they decided to speed things up. But seeing my furious reaction to what they did, they thought I did not like her and were apologizing like crazy. I was ignoring them, as I was focusing on how to fix the mess they put me into.

So, I explained that I wasn't the one who typed those words, but my friends. She was getting confused, I think. She no longer knew who was saying what, and was it all a joke? What's the truth? Then I dropped the bomb.

"It's ok," I typed. "because what they said is true."

-----------------------------
I don't think I have the exact same situation now, 10 years later. I'm supposedly older and more mature, right? Things should have gotten easier by now. But, alas, this is still as difficult as it was before.

Surely

Grabe anong oras na. Ngayon ka pa lang uuwi... 4 am na... AM shift ka pa mamaya.

Sobrang workaholic mo naman. Wala ka nang itutulog nyan :( ano bang ginawa nyo at inabot kayo ng ganitong oras...

Bakit pakiramdam ko parang umiiwas ka nitong huli. Hmmm. Ako lang siguro nakakaisip nun. Automatic thoughts na naman.

Pero parang... hmm. ako lang siguro. Bakit ka naman maiilang bigla, di ba?

Haay. Ang hirap.

Nahihirapan na ako. Kung sabihin ko na lang kaya sayo lahat. Para di na ako mag-iisip. Ok lang ba yun? O ayaw mo ba ng ganun?

Pedestal

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.” 
-Federico García Lorca

I'm an occasional drinker. But lately, I think I'm drinking more than usual. Could we blame this on the current situation? I think so, yes. There is a need for me to talk about it with someone else, but I couldn't do it sober. I don't think I ever admitted anything in person, or sober, regarding these things.

I still believe writing is my strongest suit and I have coursed my feelings through writing most, if not all, of the time. In person and sober, I think I'm too clammed up, erratic and confusing. When I write though, I feel I can say anything. That I could arrange my thoughts better and get my thoughts across.

But that isn't helping me in my current situation. Not one bit.

I think I might have made a mistake last night. I told a lot of people about Meadow. It was out of control, too many words being thrown by many people. I wanted people to know at that time, because maybe I want them to talk me into it. But it ended up with more people knowing about it than I intended. Maybe I just wanted "Jane" to know about it because she seem to give good advice, but now you can add 3 or 4 more people to the list of those who know. Darn.

That's almost ten people who knows about this. If there's something new about this, it's that. I think it's somewhat a relief, getting it out there. But it's frightening as well.

And Meadow still doesn't know.

And it appeared that even Jane was too drunk to give any meaningful advice that night. Just a cautionary, "don't assume", and that there are a lot of people who want to give it a try as well with Meadow. It didn't help me at all. It just made me think more. Maybe it was because she was pushing me to someone else (which did not pass, so I don't think it will happen), but it even felt that she was trying to stop me. The other two who knew it were trying to encourage me, although knowing myself, even drunk you'd probably get frustrated encouraging me.

I already admitted I did not know how to make it work. There's too much effort involved that without reciprocity I don't think I'll be able to sustain. And perhaps this is my automatic thoughts again, but Meadow seems more distant this past week. She's leaving in mid-chat or doesn't even reply.

I think I put her in a pedestal. I have a tendency to do that. And I know that it is a mistake. I've done it a couple of times and it never worked out. She's been haunting my waking thoughts and everything works out well in my dream. But in reality, nothing really happening. That's why it's premature and will cause you to just feel inferior. It will conjure non-existent demons that will haunt you and discourage you or make you feel jealous about nothing, really. It will make you lose your patience and pressure you to unattainable perfection. And making mistakes can make you lash out, if not at her, then at yourself.

I'm trying to get her off that pedestal. That until things work out between the two of us, there's no reason to make her too special that I couldn't make a move. She is just an ordinary person like me and that it could still work out... it's not impossible. That it's okay, even though I'll make several mistakes trying to close this out. All I need to do is to make an attempt.

But yeah. All is still muddled and everything can still go very wrong.

Chasing Pavements

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” 
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Another month has come and gone and all I've got to show for it are a number of chats and a few visits to her cubicle. Not a date. Not even a statement of intent. Not even another coffee break. This appears to be going nowhere because I am unable to push myself to even attempt and get this over with. Should I just stop it? It will give me peace in the short run. I mean if I could get rid of these thoughts of trying and making it work, maybe I could sleep again in peace, without the thought gnawing at me like I forgot something important.

I don't know how to make it work. I'm doing what I think I can to inch ever closer but it seems that there's a big wall I have to get over first if I'm to proceed. A barrier that needed breaking. She's very cautious indeed. I don't know, but there are times I can't elicit a response from her through FB. Too busy? I don't know. Whatever does she do? She isn't online every time and when she is it's barely 10 mins. I couldn't text her because she's using the company phone, maybe she thinks it's an abuse of the company expense. I can't invite her to coffee when she's going home in the wee hours of the morning because she's too busy. How then?

She's not offering a lot of options to continue the conversation, and I've been racking my brain for witty responses every time and sometimes there's just none... :(

Last Friday, when I was about to ask her out for coffee, she wasn't there. Apparently, she was in a meeting. I'm almost wishing I'm in the same team as her, so even though I'll have more work, I'll have a reason to talk to her every time. But I'm currently in a good team and I can't trade that right now. I had to make an excuse to visit her and so I placed the "monito-monita" gift in the box near her cube and I stayed there for a good hour. Someone who knows about it even saw me.

But mainly what we talked about was work and also, one of our colleagues. I learned that she was joining a Run that Saturday morning so I figured she wouldn't be able to go anywhere afterwards, waking up too early and all. I though she was going with the other lead (which I think is either friend-zoned or fighting a war of attrition). I think I thought I should have joined the run as well if I knew she would be there.

Later that Saturday I found out that she did not join the run and the she was partnered up with another not the one I thought, maybe because it was already way past midnight when she went home. But then she had to visit our colleague who recently gave birth at the hospital so if I tried to ask her out then, that probably wouldn't have transpired either. So now two Saturdays of my December are blocked, the Sunday after the YEP will most probably not work either. So it's just this Sunday, the weekend after the leads' YEP, then the weekend after that blah blah...

All these days mean nothing though, if I wouldn't even try.