Inaction

“Pessimism becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy; it reproduces itself by crippling our willingness to act.”
― Howard Zinn, You Can't Be Neutral on a Moving Train: A Personal History of Our Times

Yep. You got it right. Bok-bokbok-bok-bok. Chicken.

An effing chicken is what I effing am.

I'm paralyzed with the fear of rejection. If pessimism was a slow-acting poison, I'm now reaping the side-effects.

Procrastination and Risk

"Procrastination is like masturbation. At first it feels good, but in the end you're only screwing yourself. " 
- Anonymous

“A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for.”
- William G.T. Shedd

"The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open."
– Chuck Palahniuk

I know I used that first quote before. And the first title as well. So I added two more quotes and two more words to the title, no need to thank me. Well, it was 6 six years ago and nobody cares. Besides, I would think this time the first quote and original title are more relevant than before. Who cares about studies nowadays, anyway? I graduated didn't I, although it took longer. And I think I got a good job afterwards. But hey, not a good example. We're getting off track.

So knowing myself, I do really think I need a lot of convincing to do something I really wanted to do all along. I know I want it but I want other people telling me I should go for it. Or telling me the other way around. I mean there's almost a sure way to get me to do what I other people want, and make me feel like I really wanted to do it. But I'm not going to tell you that. Maybe some of the people I know have an inkling regarding that, but they're not abusing it, thankfully.

Anyway.

Why is it so hard for me? Man, grow a pair already. I have put this off for months, if not years. I think she has an idea regarding this. I mean, out of nowhere, suddenly, it seems I'm all around her. She hasn't rejected it so far. There are times it seems she's reeling me in. But I've been keeping my distance as well. I don't know if that's just how she behaves or is there really something. Aaaaah!

I remember that duet back during the team outing last April. I've never seen her do that with anyone. I think I sung pretty bad. And I'll admit, I only wanted to go to that team outing because I knew she was coming as well. I mean, I actually blew off an old highschool friend who invited me to his wedding 3 weeks before, just so I can be with her. I wish there was a way to know what she thinks.

I've been shifting from thinking it would work, to thinking it won't. And gah, what torture. There are inifinite universes on the verge of being created by those two possibilities should I proceed on this undertaking. And as much as I don't want to, I can't help thinking about it very much.

I described her to my friend in one of our chats but I didn't mention her and she thought I was describing myself. And I realized it did sound like me. Maybe we have more in common than I thought. But still, a very big blind spot, it's dangerous to assume.

Need. To. Make. This. Work.

Never Easy

“Our doubts are traitors, 
and make us lose the good we oft might win, 
by fearing to attempt.” 
- William Shakespeare, Measure for Measure

What the hell? This is my sixth post in a month. Haven't been able to do that in years. Maybe I have been churning out as much as that content when blogging was such a popular thing and each blogger post was really an attempt to impress. Those days have passed. Micro blogging has become such a big thing now because people have always wanted instant things. There's just no more time in this busy, busy world for walls of text to read and comment about. No more time for other normal people's crap.

So what has inspired this much content? I am either very desperate for someone to tell this to or too doubtful and discouraged about things that I needed to let it out. It's probably both. I think a common side effect of infatuation is really inspiration, among other things. You just want to talk and talk and talk about it. And I kept not thinking about it for a long, long time that when I did started thinking about it, I am still shocked at how the dam just burst open.

Bottling up emotions is never a good thing.

I was in a bookstore yesterday looking at graphic novels to either buy or download later. There was a sale on all books in all their branches and I have been to 3 branches so far. While browsing through the books I noticed two people talking about comics. Maybe it was a testament to how the place was because they were conversing in pure English, with the accent and all.

The man was talking about which comics are good, giving some opinions and suggestions on the authors or the superheroes. The woman knew something about comics which was really rare for me to hear and was able to hold the conversation. I think they hit it off pretty good, because the man gave the "maybe we should get together sometime and have a chat and blah blah... can I get your number?" talk afterwards and the girl gave her facebook account.

And I was thinking at that time, man, how uncomplicated was that? It's like watching a basketball game and seeing a player do what seems to be a very easy move and you're thinking, "yeah, that was so easy I could do that". But in reality, when you're holding the ball, you realize that it was not really easy at all.


She has been frequenting my dreams, this Meadow. I think it means I'm thinking of her a lot that it's bordering on obsession. I know where it has led me in the past and I've got to stop as early as possible, nip it at the bud. Or else, I'll need more years to get over nothing again. I have a tendency to be obsessed and it never turned out good for me. But I can't nip it at the bud when a possibility still stares at my face. It was very easy getting over Mission Shining Light was because the way she ignored me at the start very much turned me off.

I have not yet been rejected but I haven't stated my intent yet either. I haven't told her what I feel. And I know it has to happen in a matter of weeks. Or I'll go insane with this.

Hurdle

"You already have the NO. Take the risk of getting the YES."
-anon

I know I already have a whole lot of "probably nothings". And if I don't risk a definite NO, I'm going to have more "probably nothings". But knowing something and doing something about it are a world's apart of difference. And I've always been stuck with the knowing part. I know what to do, but I'm not doing it.

The planned 2nd phase did not push through. Damn. After losing a lot of sleep about it, all it turned out was lost sleep and nothing more. But what can I do? She appeared to be very busy. I'm thinking she'd say no to another cup of coffee. And I know that I don't really know. In the alternate universe where I was confident, I could probably have made her say yes. Then gave a statement of intent and got an okay. Then maybe a date afterwards.

Oh what fun it is to live in that alternate universe and not be stuck here with self-doubting me.

But after talking with her through chat yesterday where I think there were good signs, I'm not sure if I was reading it correctly. Probably, she was just friendly. After all, we've known each other for more than 5 years and I haven't made a move except last Wednesday, and that was even vague to her I think.

Can I just make that jump? And to hell with the consequences. I want to be drunk today and lose my inhibitions and just do it. I want to do it. I'm just unreasonably scared that it won't work. I wonder what made me fear this much and what would it take to get over it.

Take-off

Who knows how much further we'll go on 
Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone 
I'll take my chances, I forgot how nice romance is 
I haven't been there for the longest time 
- Billy Joel, The Longest Time

I tried. I did, surprisingly.

The plan pushed through today, albeit with a few changes since not everything is exact science. I adapted with how comfortable I am and I can say I am satisfied with what happened, thank you very much.

I haven't shown all my cards, fortunately or unfortunately. But thinking back, opening too early is not really my thing. But I think it's a good sign, right? Because she agreed to go out for a cup of coffee with just the two of us. I don't know. I hope so.

We talked a lot even though it was only for half an hour because there was a meeting we had to go to after. Mostly about work and then some background. We were also together during the meeting. Hmm. I haven't done this ... hmmm... for the longest time. And it felt really good to finally do something.

I'm jabbering...

I've just taken off. And it's a small jump I know, considering. There are still more jumps to go.

But I'm happy now. And that is all that matters today.

Tomorrow is another day.

T-Minus

“We pass through this world but once. Few tragedies can be more extensive than the stunting of life, few injustices deeper than the denial of an opportunity to strive or even to hope, by a limit imposed from without, but falsely identified as lying within.”  
― Stephen Jay Gould, The Mismeasure of Man

I am hesitating. The plan is today, because I feel like I'm getting sick thinking about it all the time. The past week was terrible. I'm having fits of sleep, constantly waking up. It's torture. The urge to try is very strong. But today, faced with the time to act, the fear is creeping up my throat. I'm thinking I'm so tense I can't relaxed. I wanted it over. But I don't want it over over. If this fails, this means we read a lot of wrong signs. There's probably nothing we can expect from this afterwards. But hey, at least we'll know right. And here I am convincing myself to push through with it. 

Try, goddammit.

What do I have to lose? Failed so many times, there's probably nowhere else to go but succeed, right? And how can we succeed if we first don't try. But if  I fail once more, it'll sting again and I hate that feeling. I'm tired of it. What the hell is wrong with me that it doesn't succeed? But I should probably save the self-pity later if it doesn't work. Since we still don't know and I'm still here in my cube convincing myself to push through with it.

Try, goddammit.

Try to think positive. Breathe. Calm yourself. Remember the times it worked, not the times it failed. Remember those Sundays, and those 2 days, and that one day. It somehow worked then, right? And you can remember those fondly. Those were good memories. How much will it hurt to try?

TRY.

Retox

"...so boycott love, detox just to retox" 
- Fall Out Boy, Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes

I see them walking up the platform one by one, in the midst of the rain. Nervous smiles in their faces as their guides fasten their safety ropes to do the feat. There were sounds of metals clanging in the pulley, like a tragedy waiting to happen, but they push through anyway. They sit as the platform lowers and they're hanging by the edge of that cliff, raindrops on their faces. Time seems to stop... and then they drop.

I watched them sway from cliff to cliff obviously having the time of their lives, arms outstretched and waiting for the guides to pull them back up. Why did I have to be the last one to do it? After they are safe back up I walk the platform myself, nervous, but I really can't back off now. Not when they've all done it. They fasten hooks and ropes and stuff and walked me by the edge. As I sat at the platform with my hands on the safety cable, I was lowered until I hang on the edge several feet above the ground, a river raging below my feet. If the rope fails it would be my last moment. My heart was thumping away like it was trying to leave my chest. Who knows what will happen next? I did not know if anyone died attempting The Plunge, but it was not impossible that I'd be the first. Time seems to stop...


It's the same feeling I have right now. Like I'm attempting a big jump. Or a big fall. I haven't been here for a long, long while, maybe I've been afraid all this time. Maybe it took a long time to get rid of it in my system before. And I never wanted a taste of it again. The pain becomes bearable but the sting never leaves for a long time. But when it does, we get over. Like a clean slate we can start anew.

But then what do we do? We choose our next poison, and take it in just the same.

I have begun thinking it was not for me. And that might still be the case. I look at some of the people around me that are or were in a relationship and I can't imagine myself being like that. But I want to know how it feels like. Yes, I'll admit I want it very much. I've become used to be by myself alone, and it has been fine. I'm just beginning to think that I want it another way.

And maybe I'll fail again. No surprises there if that happens. I have never been successful in this particular area. Maybe Meadow won't even give me a chance. Or maybe give me a chance and I'll fail miserably. I don't know.

But I do have to try. I have to try.

Overanalysis

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"

- Robert Schuller

I can’t stop thinking about this.

I’m trying to remember how it started again, because I have buried this at the back of my mind and then it resurfaced again. Maybe the dreams brought it back. Maybe that new couple in the office did. I’m not sure. But now I can’t stop thinking again.

I can say I’m fairly content with my current state. I mean, I could buy what I want if it's reasonable and do what I want. No real big problems aside from the usual I'm an atheist hiding in the midst of theists.
I have stability. But maybe it's true that we're insatiable beings. We always look for more...

If there is one thing I want right now, well, you know I wanted to have a girlfriend. Such a loser statement, damn it, but I can’t help it if it’s true. I've been spending my weekdays and Saturdays alone, really, and although it’s been fine for a long time, I’m beginning to wish I could have it another way. I've been going places alone and I still find it enjoyable, even though it means most of the time, I eat out alone or do most things alone. It’s just that, I would like to know how it feels like to walk the mall or go somewhere with someone. I think I had that, way, way back in college and one other time after.

But it has been a drought, I tell you. A dry spell, if you will. I believe it has been by choice. Some people have a hard time getting over unrequited love and I took a long time. It made me miss opportunities, I guess, but I’m stubborn and I accept it. I have always believed that I shouldn't force the issue and wait for things to happen. But maybe sometimes, those things are waiting for you.

A week or two ago, we had some discussion with some in the team. I've been asking them personal questions and they wanted to ask me some in return. They asked me if I ever had a girlfriend. And I said I haven't had one. It's a usual question and I've figured out how to answer it without sounding like a loser. They asked if I had crushes in the office and I told them I did. Who doesn't, right? They asked if I ever courted anyone in the office. And I said I did not. Not one in almost six years. I figured I could give them a reason that there were circumstances that hindered that, blah blah. But the next question was a good one:

Was there anyone in the office that I would have courted if I could, but I didn't and why.

In retrospect, I think there might be several. But at that moment when the question was asked, I could only think of only one. We'll call her Meadow.