Peon's Angst

I know I have been gone awhile. Just took care of some things. Just got bored again. Just got hesitant again. The lack of visitors in here did not help, and my lack of real anonymity is still my biggest impediment. I had made some drafts that will never make it to the Internet anymore, but what you don't know, really doesn't mean that much.

Too long have I dropped this pen since I left the organ, that I've almost forgotten how to use it. Might as well give it a try, maybe my mood can bring it up to speed.

I have long since struggled against the concept of contentment. How far should I go, before I should be content. How much do I need before I should have enough. Does being content mean you have no ambition?

I believe that I am patient and at times easily satisfied. I do not get easily angry too. But some things can push you to the edge. When I feel that I deserve something and then did not get it, I get angry. Then I get tired, somewhat depressed. If I have given what I should have given and yet I did not receive what I should have, what more do I need to do? What makes me sure that if I give more I'll get then what is due?

And life, I know is unfair. Some people have more. And people who have more, gain more. I hate it and still have to live with it.

If I tell you the specifics, you just might not understand. You might say that I should be thankful, that at least I have a job, while others are getting terminated, and others don't even have one. But when I think about it, should I just accept their incompetence? It's not my fault they're not doing their jobs right.

I hate them for only seeing what they want to see. For seeing the numbers and not the reasons. For pushing us to give quality work and on-time delivery when they couldn't even give a quality evaluation and on-time feedback of their own. Why the hell do you need me to put my own evaluation when your decision is already final? You should have answered the damn sheet and saved me a lot of time. My evaluation did not mean shit. For what is it then? They can't even give me a clear explanation of how I achieved that result. Or what I needed to do to exceed their damn expectations and get myself a promotion.

I just feel bad. That they can't defend their subordinates when under fire. What the hell are you there for, if you can't even stand up for us? You should have at least let me explain if you can't do it yourself.

I despise that appraisal. Why are there metrics that are subjective? Why do you have to appraise me, if you're just giving everyone the same grades. It makes no difference at all. No matter what I did. How hopeful of me, to believe you can do a good job yourself.

And the perfection you require of us this year, that is crap and you know it. If you can't even give me what I deserve when what is expected is attainable, how much more an impossible one. It's like you are expecting us to fail, and you're grinding our noses to the ground for it.

We should be the ones evaluating you.

It's not my fault yet I'll be the one paying for it.