Thursday, September 12, 2019

The Story so far

"Those only are happy (I thought) who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness; on the happiness of others, on the improvement of mankind, even on some art or pursuit, followed not as a means, but as itself an ideal end. Aiming thus at something else, they find happiness by the way. The enjoyments of life (such was now my theory) are sufficient to make it a pleasant thing, when they are taken en passant, without being made a principal object. Once make them so, and they are immediately felt to be insufficient. They will not bear a scrutinizing examination. Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so. The only chance is to treat, not happiness, but some end external to it, as the purpose of life. Let your self-consciousness, your scrutiny, your self-interrogation, exhaust themselves on that; and if otherwise fortunately circumstanced you will inhale happiness with the air you breathe, without dwelling on it or thinking about it, without either forestalling it in imagination, or putting it to flight by fatal questioning."

― John Stuart Mill

Mahaba-habang quote. Kasi ang tagal kong nawala.

Hello. Halos 4 na taon na rin pala nung huli akong nagpost sa blog na to... Marami nang nangyari. Sobrang wala lang akong time magkwento. Imbis na itype ko pa ang mga hinaing ko sa buhay, minsan tinutulog ko na lang, nakapahinga pa ako.

Lumipat na pala ako ng trabaho. Sa bahay na lang ako nag-oopisina. Work from Home kumbaga. Nagtratrabaho ako ng nakapambahay lang... minsan nakakatulog pa ako. Umabot din ako ng 10 years dun sa una kong trabaho. Akalain mo un. Isang dekada rin pala yun. Nagka-ugat na ako sa opisina bago ako nakaalis. Nakakuha naman ako ng retirement pay. Malaki-laki rin. Yun nga lang ubos agad. Gastos. Hospital bills. Meds. May utang pa ako sa BIR ngayong taon, walangjo.

May asawa na rin pala ako. At isang taon na ang aming anak na babae. Waw. Akalain mo yun. Di na ganun ka-bitter ang lolo este ang ninong mo. Minsan may mga tao rin palang makakakita ng taong tatanggap ng pag-ibig na kaya nilang ibigay. Lalim ba?

Kung tatanungin mo ako kung masaya ako, masasabi kong oo. Maraming tao sa paligid ko ang nagpapasaya sa akin... Pero andami ko nang iniisip ngayon. Pakiramdam ko kulang ang oras ko sa isang araw. Parang lumalala pa yung antok ko. Kahit mahaba na yung tulog ko pakiramdam ko kulang pa... Tumatanda lang ba ako... Pero kung tutuusin, ok naman ang lahat. Hmmm... Di lahat, pero sapat na dapat para maging ok ako. Di naman nawawala yung problema sa kahit sino siguro. Lumalala lang sya kapag kinukumpara mo sa iba ang buhay mo...

Minsan di ko talaga maiwasan... may sumpong pa rin ako. Nalulungkot... Napapagod... Naiinis... Ewan ko ba, wala lang ata talagang taong kuntento. O di lang talaga ako yun... Paano ba nadi-diagnose ang depression. Depressed lang ba ako? Topak lang? Haay... Minsan naisip kong umalis na lang dito... kalimutan ang lahat, lumipad... lumayooo oooh...

Monday, May 18, 2015

Revelations

"Stop treading. You will not sink. You will float." 
– Anonymous


Sorry walang updates. Puro placeholder lang.

Can't talk here much. Ayusin ko to pag may time. Haha.

Weird kasi andami na nangyari mula nung post ko nitong Feb. Pero walang laman yung blog.

Ah.. baka wala kasi dito :P

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Replay

“It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.” 
― Suzanne Collins, (Mockingjay)

Yan na nga sinasabi ko. Binuhay ang issue. Nagkaroon ng photoshoot para sa Mr. & Ms. Feb-ibig (ugh ang korny nung tawag), di ko alam kung sino ang pasimuno... pero hinala ko yung manager ko dati. Kasi biglang ako yung kinuha. Saka si Meadow yung kapartner. Ang dating e parang botohan ang magaganap, pero pera ang gamit para sa boto. 20php isa. Alam ko na ngayon ang premyo. Special date daw. Juice colored. Binaon ko na sa likod ng utak ko ang mga pangyayari nung isang taon. Binubuhay nila e. Ayan. Naku, baka bumalik ulit.

May nagpost sa facebook nung picture. Kaso sa dami ng kuha, dun pa sa pinakapangit ako yung pinili. Tsk. Lampas isangdaan ang naglike. Bakit? Kasi malakas sila mang-asar. Pati mga kaklase ko nugn highschool, college, teacher, prof, kamag-anak. Waah.

Alam ko di naman nagtapos ng maayos nung isang taon. Pero haay... uulitin ko na naman ba? Ngayon ba pwede na? Nararamdaman ko bumabalik na naman yung pakiramdam na nararamdaman ko pag ganitong may prospect. Sign ba yun na meron pa, pinilit ko lang kalimutan?

Putik.

May sinabi pa yung kaopis ko kanina. Na baka naman di kami nagkaintindihan nung isang taon. Baka may chance, pareho lang kaming takot.

Ugh.

Pano na?

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Relay

“Never apologize for how you feel. No one can control how they feel. The sun doesn’t apologize for being the sun. The rain doesn’t say sorry for falling. Feelings just are.” 
― Iain Thomas


Anong kalokohan yun... hmm... di ba tapos na nung isang taon? Wala naman pinuntahan. Wala naman nangyari. Kulang daw ako sa tiyaga. Maaari. Pero paano ka magtyatyaga kung wala namang sinasabi. Kung bigla na lang tatahimik, anong mapapag-usapan? Wala rin naman. Di biro ang pinagdaanan ko sa sarili ko ng mga ganitong panahon nung nakaraang taon. Uulitin ko na naman ba?

Pero may iba pa ba tayong balak gawin bukod dito? Wala rin naman di ba?

Might as well?

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Feliz Año Nuevo

“Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come,  whispering.. 'it will be happier'...”
― Alfred Tennyson

Another year has come and gone. I'm still here.. still all alone.

I should still be working, even though I don't have to, but it means more money, and what else could we do? But I'm also slightly drunk and so I thought, why not just blog for a while and review what has happened the past year.

In 2014, I did make a lot of mistakes. I hope I learned from them. I made two attempts on two different people last year and both did not go well. I gave someone a bouquet of flowers last Valentine, I went out with someone on a weekend, both things of which I've never done, so there is that.

The first one ended abruptly, because I did not persist and maybe I did give up easily. The second one ended abruptly, because I did insist and did not give up easily. Now maybe if I did things differently, things would be different today but bridges have been burned and some have been left alone unused and things would probably stay that way for a long time.

I bought a car (and still paying for it). I learned how to drive. I even had 3 accidents in the span of 12 hours. I started collecting graphic novels. I bought more books than I read. I had stopped working on gunpla kits for a year but I continued collecting other articulated figures.

It was a good year all things considered.

I'll be older another year this coming May. Still unattached, but not for lack of trying. Maybe I started out too late. It's either you're too early or too late in these things most of the time. Rarely is everything at the right moment. I wish I could be with someone this 2015, but I guess I've already given up hope. I mean, I could not even get myself to try again. There seems to be no point at all.

I would like to say I don't need it, but damn, I want it so bad. But nobody seems to like me the same way I like them, and I can't force myself to like others for the heck of it. I'm a yearner not a settler, I guess. I want things I can't have. I love people who can't love me back.

These things are hard for me. I just.. I just hope this year would be different. That for the next new year I could come back here and tell you that the wait and the toil was worth it.

So cheers for the new year and good luck to us.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Mutual Misunderstanding

“I still catch myself feeling sad about things that don’t matter anymore.” 
— Kurt Vonnegut


Mag-iisang buwan na rin nung ginawa mo yung ginawa mo. At wala naman akong narinig na kahit anong paliwanag o ano mula sayo. Isang araw, wala na lang lahat. Baka nga ganun na lang natin hayaan matapos. Yun ang gusto mo e. Sayang nga lang. Ewan ko. Nalulungkot lang din ako. Pero ganun talaga.

Mga mga bagay na natatapos na lang bigla.

Sana lang siguro di na kita nakikita sa opisina. Na kung malalamon ako nang lupa sana kaysa makasalubong kita, baka mas pipiliin ko pa. Wag naman sanang pahintulutan na magkasabay tayo sa elevator. Ewan ko na lang kung ano ang mangyayari.

Nanawa ako sayo, aaminin ko. Asar pa din ako sa ginawa mo. Di na kita gusto siguro.

Pero siguro nakaka-alangan lang pag nakikita kita. Napapatigil pa rin ako. May ganun ka pa ring epekto sa akin. Baka di pa rin ako tuluyang magaling. Di ko alam kung ano dapat ang reaksyon ko.

Pero di mo rin naman ako pinapansin. E di ganun na lang nga din. Di ko rin alam kung anong gagawin ko kung sakaling pansinin mo man ako. Baka mabara kita ng di sinasadya, baka sadyaing di pansinin kahit pagsisisihan ko mamaya.

Pano nagkaganito. Nakakasuya naman. Wala akong ibang magagawa kundi mapabuntong hininga.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Selective Amnesia

Don't put your happiness in other people's hands.  
They'll drop it. 
They'll drop it every time. 
- C.Barzak


So apparently, the bridge is gone. I still don't know what happened. I wonder if I'll ever know. I see her but there's just nothing that connects us now. I would like to say that I burned the bridge on my side myself, that I set a flame to all of it and that I watched gleefully as it disintegrated in front of me. But who are we kidding? We all know she has severed the bonds beforehand.

A part of me wants to know what the hell happened, for her to cut me off like that, but my pride wouldn't let me be the first to talk to her. There was a slight we couldn't get over, a disregard we couldn't forgive. Not until we hear her side at least. Not until she talks to us first.

It's just sad, you know.  Because it was like the last month never happened. Suddenly, she seems to have forgotten that I even exist. And I know I shouldn't dwell on it, there are other people in the world, but I somehow just couldn't accept how easy it was for her to forget me. Were all those talks a sham for her? Because at the very least, I thought we had good conversations.

Couldn't she respect me enough to give me an explanation?