Hurdle

"You already have the NO. Take the risk of getting the YES."
-anon

I know I already have a whole lot of "probably nothings". And if I don't risk a definite NO, I'm going to have more "probably nothings". But knowing something and doing something about it are a world's apart of difference. And I've always been stuck with the knowing part. I know what to do, but I'm not doing it.

The planned 2nd phase did not push through. Damn. After losing a lot of sleep about it, all it turned out was lost sleep and nothing more. But what can I do? She appeared to be very busy. I'm thinking she'd say no to another cup of coffee. And I know that I don't really know. In the alternate universe where I was confident, I could probably have made her say yes. Then gave a statement of intent and got an okay. Then maybe a date afterwards.

Oh what fun it is to live in that alternate universe and not be stuck here with self-doubting me.

But after talking with her through chat yesterday where I think there were good signs, I'm not sure if I was reading it correctly. Probably, she was just friendly. After all, we've known each other for more than 5 years and I haven't made a move except last Wednesday, and that was even vague to her I think.

Can I just make that jump? And to hell with the consequences. I want to be drunk today and lose my inhibitions and just do it. I want to do it. I'm just unreasonably scared that it won't work. I wonder what made me fear this much and what would it take to get over it.

Take-off

Who knows how much further we'll go on 
Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone 
I'll take my chances, I forgot how nice romance is 
I haven't been there for the longest time 
- Billy Joel, The Longest Time

I tried. I did, surprisingly.

The plan pushed through today, albeit with a few changes since not everything is exact science. I adapted with how comfortable I am and I can say I am satisfied with what happened, thank you very much.

I haven't shown all my cards, fortunately or unfortunately. But thinking back, opening too early is not really my thing. But I think it's a good sign, right? Because she agreed to go out for a cup of coffee with just the two of us. I don't know. I hope so.

We talked a lot even though it was only for half an hour because there was a meeting we had to go to after. Mostly about work and then some background. We were also together during the meeting. Hmm. I haven't done this ... hmmm... for the longest time. And it felt really good to finally do something.

I'm jabbering...

I've just taken off. And it's a small jump I know, considering. There are still more jumps to go.

But I'm happy now. And that is all that matters today.

Tomorrow is another day.

T-Minus

“We pass through this world but once. Few tragedies can be more extensive than the stunting of life, few injustices deeper than the denial of an opportunity to strive or even to hope, by a limit imposed from without, but falsely identified as lying within.”  
― Stephen Jay Gould, The Mismeasure of Man

I am hesitating. The plan is today, because I feel like I'm getting sick thinking about it all the time. The past week was terrible. I'm having fits of sleep, constantly waking up. It's torture. The urge to try is very strong. But today, faced with the time to act, the fear is creeping up my throat. I'm thinking I'm so tense I can't relaxed. I wanted it over. But I don't want it over over. If this fails, this means we read a lot of wrong signs. There's probably nothing we can expect from this afterwards. But hey, at least we'll know right. And here I am convincing myself to push through with it. 

Try, goddammit.

What do I have to lose? Failed so many times, there's probably nowhere else to go but succeed, right? And how can we succeed if we first don't try. But if  I fail once more, it'll sting again and I hate that feeling. I'm tired of it. What the hell is wrong with me that it doesn't succeed? But I should probably save the self-pity later if it doesn't work. Since we still don't know and I'm still here in my cube convincing myself to push through with it.

Try, goddammit.

Try to think positive. Breathe. Calm yourself. Remember the times it worked, not the times it failed. Remember those Sundays, and those 2 days, and that one day. It somehow worked then, right? And you can remember those fondly. Those were good memories. How much will it hurt to try?

TRY.

Retox

"...so boycott love, detox just to retox" 
- Fall Out Boy, Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes

I see them walking up the platform one by one, in the midst of the rain. Nervous smiles in their faces as their guides fasten their safety ropes to do the feat. There were sounds of metals clanging in the pulley, like a tragedy waiting to happen, but they push through anyway. They sit as the platform lowers and they're hanging by the edge of that cliff, raindrops on their faces. Time seems to stop... and then they drop.

I watched them sway from cliff to cliff obviously having the time of their lives, arms outstretched and waiting for the guides to pull them back up. Why did I have to be the last one to do it? After they are safe back up I walk the platform myself, nervous, but I really can't back off now. Not when they've all done it. They fasten hooks and ropes and stuff and walked me by the edge. As I sat at the platform with my hands on the safety cable, I was lowered until I hang on the edge several feet above the ground, a river raging below my feet. If the rope fails it would be my last moment. My heart was thumping away like it was trying to leave my chest. Who knows what will happen next? I did not know if anyone died attempting The Plunge, but it was not impossible that I'd be the first. Time seems to stop...


It's the same feeling I have right now. Like I'm attempting a big jump. Or a big fall. I haven't been here for a long, long while, maybe I've been afraid all this time. Maybe it took a long time to get rid of it in my system before. And I never wanted a taste of it again. The pain becomes bearable but the sting never leaves for a long time. But when it does, we get over. Like a clean slate we can start anew.

But then what do we do? We choose our next poison, and take it in just the same.

I have begun thinking it was not for me. And that might still be the case. I look at some of the people around me that are or were in a relationship and I can't imagine myself being like that. But I want to know how it feels like. Yes, I'll admit I want it very much. I've become used to be by myself alone, and it has been fine. I'm just beginning to think that I want it another way.

And maybe I'll fail again. No surprises there if that happens. I have never been successful in this particular area. Maybe Meadow won't even give me a chance. Or maybe give me a chance and I'll fail miserably. I don't know.

But I do have to try. I have to try.

Overanalysis

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"

- Robert Schuller

I can’t stop thinking about this.

I’m trying to remember how it started again, because I have buried this at the back of my mind and then it resurfaced again. Maybe the dreams brought it back. Maybe that new couple in the office did. I’m not sure. But now I can’t stop thinking again.

I can say I’m fairly content with my current state. I mean, I could buy what I want if it's reasonable and do what I want. No real big problems aside from the usual I'm an atheist hiding in the midst of theists.
I have stability. But maybe it's true that we're insatiable beings. We always look for more...

If there is one thing I want right now, well, you know I wanted to have a girlfriend. Such a loser statement, damn it, but I can’t help it if it’s true. I've been spending my weekdays and Saturdays alone, really, and although it’s been fine for a long time, I’m beginning to wish I could have it another way. I've been going places alone and I still find it enjoyable, even though it means most of the time, I eat out alone or do most things alone. It’s just that, I would like to know how it feels like to walk the mall or go somewhere with someone. I think I had that, way, way back in college and one other time after.

But it has been a drought, I tell you. A dry spell, if you will. I believe it has been by choice. Some people have a hard time getting over unrequited love and I took a long time. It made me miss opportunities, I guess, but I’m stubborn and I accept it. I have always believed that I shouldn't force the issue and wait for things to happen. But maybe sometimes, those things are waiting for you.

A week or two ago, we had some discussion with some in the team. I've been asking them personal questions and they wanted to ask me some in return. They asked me if I ever had a girlfriend. And I said I haven't had one. It's a usual question and I've figured out how to answer it without sounding like a loser. They asked if I had crushes in the office and I told them I did. Who doesn't, right? They asked if I ever courted anyone in the office. And I said I did not. Not one in almost six years. I figured I could give them a reason that there were circumstances that hindered that, blah blah. But the next question was a good one:

Was there anyone in the office that I would have courted if I could, but I didn't and why.

In retrospect, I think there might be several. But at that moment when the question was asked, I could only think of only one. We'll call her Meadow.

Updates

Hmm. Naaalala nyo ba yung trabahong nabanggit ko sa inyo sa nakaraang post? Kalimutan nyo na, kasi hindi naman yun natuloy. Di na tumawag ulit after nung huling interview. Inaamin ko, hindi ko pinaghandaan yung interview. Nagdesisyon na rin kasi akong manatili dito sa pinagtratrabahuan ko. At yung resulta ng interview parang 50-50. May sablay akong mga sagot. Meron din namang tingin ko ay ok. Pero tingin ko bago maghanap ulit ng work, kailangan maayos ko na ung mga sasabihin ko. Panglumang role pa kasi yung pinaghandaan ko.

Yun lang naman. Iniisip ko kung ano pang nangyari nung August. Nagsick leave pagkabalik galing Cebu-Bohol. 2 araw dahil sa gastroenteritis. Nagdeliryo ulit. Hmmm, natengga sa bahay nung Maring, 2 araw na malakas ang ulan at nawala yung susi ko sa kensington kaya di ko naiuwi yung laptop. Instant vacation leave tuloy. Nawala ata yung susi nung nakasama ako sa libre sa Hooters. (Nasan na kaya yung picture ko nung nasa US dun sa hooters. Di na napost.) Nagbirthday ang pamangkin ko sa pinsan. Bumalik ulit ako ng bahagya sa pagdrodrowing.

Decisions

“The hardest thing about the road not taken is that you never know where it might have led.” 
― Lisa Wingate, A Month of Summer

Hmm. Pasensya, halos 2 buwan na naman akong hindi gumawa ng entry. Nangyayari naman yun kahit active blogger, pano pa kaya kung tulad kong seasonal atang maituturing. Tapos may kausap din kasi ako sa facebook tungkol sa mga bagay bagay kaya naman parang mas madali magkwento dun kasi yun nagrereply, di tulad nyo basa lang nang basa. Hehe.

Hmmm. Nagpunta pala kami ng Cebu at Bohol last week, 6 days 5 nights. Nagfile nga ako sa opis ng VL for 5 days kaso pagbalik ko, nagkasakit naman ako. Baka tengga sa bahay ng 3 pang araw. Acute gastroenteritis daw saka UTI. Saka ko na ikwekwento yun kung sakali dahil di yun ang bumabagabag sa isip ko ngayon.

Nitong mga nakaraang linggo may tumawag sa akin opurtunidad para sa ibang trabaho sa ibang bansa. Nung una, gusto ko lang malaman kung hanggang saan mapupunta. tapos napagtanto kong hindi ko gusto ang contractual position na gusto nila i-offer. Nagdecline ako. Kaso tumawag sila ulit at tinaasan ang sweldo, halos doble kung itatapat sa monthly ko. Nagdecline pa rin ako at sinabi kong di ako komportable na contract position sya. Tumawag ulit at sinabing pagkatapos ng anim na buwan ay para ihire na. Hmmm. Umayon na rin akong mainterview.

Nakatapos na ako ng 2 interview, isa mga 15 mins, yung isa tiningnan lang ata hitsura ko sa camera. Bukas meron pang isa. Hmm. Kinakabahan? Oo. Meron namang kaba bawat interview para sa akin kahit nung wala naman akong balak kunin yung work. Last year ata naka-apat ako na interview. Hmm. Sa lahat ng yun, isa lang ata napasa ko (di ko lang sigurado kung walang kinalaman yung asking salary ko dun sa iba). Madami na nangyari pagkatapos nun. Naging team lead na ako. Ok ang team na napunta sa akin. Ok ang manager. Gaya ng sinabi ko sa lahat ng nakausap ko, pinaka-OK na sa lahat ng naging manager ko. Pangit pa rin ang metrics, mahirap pa rin para sa mga bago, pero di na ako ganun ka-apektado. Di na kasi ako "doer" ika nga, more on management na. Pwede nga kung gugustuhin ko, na lumipas ang isang araw na wala akong ginagawa. Lalo na kung hindi maingay ang mga project. It's a comfortable and stable job.

Ano ba ang negative? Hmmm. Comfort zone ko na sya, di na ganun ka-challenging siguro madalas. Pero minsan challenging pa rin naman. Hmmm. Parehong ofis pa rin for 5+ years, medyo nakakasawa na rin siguro. Sweldo, syempre. Pero kung tutuusin ok na ok naman na yung nakukuha ko ngayon. May extra na akong panggastos sa mga luho at nakakaipon pa din. GF na nga lang ang kulang e. Hehe. Gusto ko ba maging manager, bakit hindi in the future, pero baka 2-3 years pa yun, malayo pa. pero malay natin, di rin natin masasabi, kasi kung sinabi mo sa akin nung July 2012 na magiging Team Lead ako ng August baka tinawanan pa kita sa sobrang malayo mangyari yun sa tingin namin nung mga panahon na yun. Buti nga nalimutan na nung iba na nakipagpustahan ako na pag naging senior ako within 2012 e ililibre ko sila lahat.

Hmmm. Dun sa isang trabaho ano ba ang positive? Hmmm. Yung sweldo. Pero pag sinum-up ko naman yung lahat ng allowances at bonuses, 15% lang ang difference kung vs salary lang nila. May nag-offer nga ng contractual sa akin nasa ganun din ang presyo dito pa yun sa Pilipinas. Ibang workplace, ibang lugar pero abroad, malayo sa pamilya. Baka mahomesick. Pero nung nasa US naman di naman ako nahomesick. Madali na rin kasi ngayon makipagcommunicate dahil sa internet.

Haay. Nahihirapan ako magdecide. Di ko alam, parang ayaw ko iwan yung team kasi ok naman. Balak ko nga hanggang PM na ako magsstay dun baka kung nagkataon. Pero di kaya sayang yung oppurtunity? Wala pa naman. Baka di pa pumasa sa interview bukas pero hmmm. Pano kung pumasa, makakatanggi pa ba ako? Anong mas mabigat?

Kung last June dumating yung ganito, walang kurap yung isang trabaho agad ang pipiliin ko. Malaking factor siguro yung team na rin saka yung manager. Ok kasi. Pero pano kung wala sila, magsstay ba ako? Kasi di rin naman sila fixed na nandun. Lilipat din yung iba pag nagtagal. Pano kung magreshuffle at biglang malipat ng team? Sapat ba ang pag-asa na baka pag tumagal maging manager din ako? Kung lumipat naman ako, may tsansa ba na umangat naman ako o puro ganun na lang ang gagawin ko hanggang tumanda ako.

Tamang tama yung quote sa taas. Mahirap kasi di mo alam kung ano talaga yung mangyayari kung yung isa yung pinili mo.

Alin kaya? Stay or go?