The Road so Far

“If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting for the rest of our lives.” 
- Lemony Snicket

23 days into 2014 and where have we gone?

Well, for one thing, I've learned how to shoot a real gun. I went to a shooting range and they rented me a .45 calibre pistol. There wasn't much to it, really. Just feeling adventurous and because I've never brought myself to trying it before, even though I wanted to. I thought there was going to be a lesson or something about gun basics or gun safety but apparently at about P1051 for the whole session, it was all about shooting the target board until you run out of bullets.

They gave me 50 rounds to spend, and spend it I did. There was something exhilarating in shooting a gun in real life. It was like setting a firecracker. It was loud, even with headsets, and the range seem to explode with every shot. The recoil was disconcerting at first, but you get used to it. It really messes your aim, though. By the time I was done, the target was unrecognizable. Not because I hit all the vital points, but because my shots were all over the place. Apparently, I'm no prodigy.

I'll definitely go back there. The gun feels heavy after a while so I think it takes a lot of getting used to. But I had a new experience and it left me feeling good. Which brought me back to thinking...

One reason I had no post for two weeks, aside from being busy playing GTA V among other things, is that after the New Year I have decided not to go through with it (regarding Meadow). Probably because the last conversations I had were going nowhere and again I tried to repress it. Maybe there was already someone else. It probably won't work. I wouldn't know what to do. I have no idea how it works. All reasons not to go through with it convincing me that I should not even try.

I know it was the coward in me speaking, but I can't really push him away. Knowing it makes it worse. I was even thinking of setting a moratorium regarding talking about her in this blog until I've made a move. Which will mean I probably won't have any content at all.

I still think about her from time to time those past weeks, but I thought I had a better handle on it. Everything's fine if I don't see her or talk to her. I could go on thinking it was okay. That I probably didn't need it anyway.

But when I see her, the dam breaks.

All my resolve is gone.

I tried avoiding her, I did not even chat with her for two weeks I guess, thinking it would probably go away.

But yesterday, I couldn't avoid it.

And when I said hello, she ask what happened and said I was gone for a while. Hmmm. Does that mean anything? Did she miss me, maybe? Well, we later had a conference with the team regarding the thing I had to talk to her about in the first place. Some of her statements at the end has led me to believe that no one's actually courting her right now. Is she telling me this? Because if there is no one else, I would like to try... very much.

If only I can bring myself to do it.

Jitters

"Maybe there's something you're afraid to say, or someone you're afraid to love, or somewhere you're afraid to go. It's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt because it matters."  
― John Green

GODDAMMIT.

First Page

"Forget all the reasons why it wont work and believe the one reason that it will."
-anonymous

Hello 2014.

I managed to get drunk on red wine. Never thought those things could get you drunk. But apparently they can, when you drink the whole bottle. Yey! People at our home would probably frown on this (they think drinking is a vice) but I don't care...

This year I get to make new mistakes.

So I welcomed this year working. Hopefully, although that might mean my whole year is work, I hope it just means I'm secured in my job throughout the year. I'm still not sure what would happen with the whole acquisition thing going on, my company getting eaten by a larger one, but I'm fairly optimistic that things would get better.

Hopefully, although our teams will get reorganized, I won't shift very far from the people I've gotten close with this year. There are still a lot of questions regarding this and I still don't know how it would pan out. I hope I'll still be in the same team as Meadow. And that I'll still be on US shift (for financial reasons)

I will say, drunk as I am, that I sort of envy my sister. I mean she has maybe found the love of her life. It's a rare thing I think, and I'm still not sure if they're going to last... but things seem to be off in a good start. When we were talking before I think she mentioned she has not felt it ever, true love that is. But now, there is no doubt to me that that is what she has. I wish it upon myself, that hopefully I'll find my own. I mean, I have wished it time and again but I've taken baby steps to do something about it.

This year should be different.

I've come a long way in the past years, and now I've reached a point that it seemed time is now faster than it ever was. Maybe as you get older, time is faster in your perspective. I feel like I'm running out of time. Another year and I'll be 28 years old. Damn.

28 years single. C'mon 2014, give me something.

Well, I hope I could make a move on Meadow. I mean, really, 3 months of blogging mostly about her should account to something. I still can't get a read on her. But talking to my friend, it may be because my intentions are unclear. I wish I could get a date with her. And that it would be a good one. Argh. Such things, when you think too much, you'll never get anywhere.

I hope I have the courage to make changes, and be not afraid of trying out new things and even committing mistakes. I hope I could leave my comfort zone and see the world beyond. And learn. And have fun.

I do want to know how it feels to be in a relationship. C'mon 2014, give me something.

Hopefully, I'll still be active in this blog. It's been a while and nobody's really reading it I think. But it's such a relief to get my thoughts out there. I wish I could write about other things.

Hello 2014. Please be good to me. Help me take more calculated risks, and have the courage to accept that I could make mistakes, but that it will make me better. May I get out of my comfort zone and grow. And maybe looking back at this post, I will have a smile on my face telling myself, "oh my, how far I did go".

Wet Floor

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.

So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.”
 ― Neil Gaiman

So two more days to go before the year is done. But I've pretty much chalked 2013 as done and done. The two remaining days are holidays here and I'll probably work (and be hopefully drunk on the 31st) at home to submit my escalated deliverable. I'm hoping to finish it tomorrow so I'll just fake-work on the 31st. I mean, who wants to work while everybody's celebrating?

I've been looking at previous December posts and thinking of my past Decembers. And pretty much, these latest years have been the same. I'm not sure if I'm a fan of change, because my comfort zone is cozy enough for me, but there are times I appreciate a different routine. For some things I can willingly leave the zone, for other things I'll have to be dragged out tooth and nail.

I hope I'll have the courage to try. I know I'll make mistakes. But I hope I have the courage to push through despite failures staring me at the face...

Or else nothing new will come. And come next December, we still haven't learn our lesson.

Any Road

"If you don't know where you're going, any road'll take you there" 
- George Harrison, Any Road

Most people are on leave this week. After all, it's the holiday week. We have bunched holidays and a few working days in between. Usually around this time I'm at home and on leave. But ever since I became a lead, I'm always working these holidays. I think I took it upon myself to allow some of my people to take their leaves this week instead of me. Sort of noble I guess, but I just think that I would like to be a team lead that I want my team lead to be back then. So I worked last Christmas Eve, I worked last Christmas. I'll even work on the 30th and the New Year's Eve probably.

I'll just think of the overtime pay. After all, I did spend a lot this year. So I'll need the money back. I think my expenses are growing every year. We're even planning on getting a new car next year. I'm afraid I'll over-extend, with my mother on retirement and not enough money going in from my father and sister.

Anyway. That quote above is a very good quote. Made me think. You know me, I've never been really sure where I'm going. Back then, I did not know what I'll be or what I want to be. I think it's a part of me that never wanted to be sure anyway. So if any road can take me there, I might as well take that road. What could I lose, I don't have a fixed destination anyway.

I've been talking with Meadow some of these past days. We've been talking longer through chat, I believe. Mostly about work, with bits and pieces of other things. Maybe that's because she's on leave and not as busy. And those times, I am giddy. I mean, just today I was irritated that I was given another task from one of their projects, an escalated project at that, but when she talked with me apologizing for the inconvenience, I told her it's ok. And surprisingly, it was suddenly ok. As fast as a snap of the fingers.

So if there's really nothing to this, why am I like this. Thinking about it, about her all the time. Hmmm. Could this go anywhere? Sigh. I think there's nothing between her and that other guy I talked about. I don't know why. But I've been observing them and it doesn't look like there's anything. I might still be wrong. But I'm really wondering why.

I would like to give it a try myself. I just don't know how. Should I just be honest and tell her I don't know anything about this but I'm willing to learn. I mean if she's not doing anything, why not give it a chance, right? We could walk on that any road and maybe get somewhere. But I don't know if I'll come across as incompetent and inexperienced, and that it will turn her off. But honestly, I don't know anything about this. I mean I can give advice to other people, I don't know how when all I had was pain and little periods of joy.

I could pretend to know something or everything about this, give off an air of confidence and high self esteem, but if I could do that, it wouldn't be me...

Delay

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” 
- Dr. Seuss

Patapos na naman ang taon. Isang linggo na lang at ilang araw, mamamaalam na ang 2013. Nagwish ako ng lovelife last year. Hmmm. Hindi ko pa rin masasabi ngayon kung meron na ako nun. Malamang sa malamang, wala pa rin talaga.

May sinubukan sila ireto ah. Pero di gumana e. Di ako pinansin e. Tapos malaman-laman ko, engaged na agad. Parang kaka-boyfriend lang nya ilang buwan pa lang, papakasal na. Waw. Baka naman soulmate. Matagal na raw magkakilala. Pastor pa yung lalaki. Baka maka-Diyos naman talaga. Baka naman mapusok lang. Haha. Baka naman mahal talaga.

Buti pa sila. Lol. Ako, wala pa rin?

Lack of trying? Maaari. Kaya naman wala naman ako talagang masisisi. Tila ba ako si Juan Tamad. Nakanganga at naghihintay malaglag ang bungang nakasabit pa sa sanga. Bakit nga naman ba, di subukang abutin? Baka naman kaya pala. Kung di kayang abutin bakit di yugyugin ang puno hanggang mahulog ang bunga? Di ko pa sinusubukan abutin, iniisip ko agad, baka di ko rin naman gusto. Na mukhang mahirap yun abutin. Na matrabaho yun kunin tapos baka mamaya, di pala para sa akin. Daming dahilan, daming patutsada. Eh kung wag na lang kaya. Baka may iba pang bunga. Baka may iba pang puno.

Pero dito ko gusto mag-antay. Di ko na makita yung ibang bunga. Di ko na naiisip yung ibang puno. Eto lang naiisip ko lagi. Hmm. Di ko dapat hinayaang lumala ng ganito. Di ko dapat inisip ng inisip. Ayan wala na ako magawa ngayon. Na-inception na ako. Di ko na maalis. Di ko na magawa na di sya isipin. Walangjo.

Dapat ata iba na lang winish ko. Kung alam ko lang babalik ako sa pagiging ganito. Akala ko graduate na ako dun.

Pag di raw ako tumaya, talo na agad. Ayoko na tumaya e. Huhu. Bakit ba walang kasiguraduhan sa mundo para sa akin. Alam ko lang, pag nakikita ko sya, may nararamdaman ako. Hmmm. Baka nga naman kras lang. Kras lang naman siguro. Dun naman ata nagsisimula. Ewan. Nalilimutan ko ata huminga nung nakita ko sya kahapon sa party ng mga pangkat-pinuno. Tsk. Nung nakita ko sya masaya, waw. Pinipigilan kong tumingin nang tumingin sa kanya. Tsk tsk. Parang teenager lang walangya.

Pero hirap kasi syang i-reach out. Ewan ko ba. Alam mo yun. Hirap. Ichat mo, minsan di nagrereply. Itext mo, minsan di nagrereply. Iemail mo, minsan di nagrereply. Busy lang ba, o ayaw ba talaga? Sadyang ganun lang ba talaga sya, ayaw sa hindi personal na pakikipag-usap? Saka parang si faith e. May mga reply na ang hirap gawan ng katuloy. Parang hindi nagfloflow yung usapan. Nauubusan din ako ah. Pwede naman magcontribute sa usapan, di naman bawal. Para lang magtuloy-tuloy...

E di puntahan di ba? Sa pwesto? E sala talaga. Gusto ko sya kausapin kung sya lang ang nandun. E laging may ibang tao dun. Sala sked. Sala ang floor. Puro sala.

Hmm. Matatapos ang taong ito na wala talagang nangyari. Di na rin ako papasok sa opis sa susunod na linggo kaya malamang sa susunod na taon na to. :( Susubok ba tayo next year? Dapat. Kundi, wala talagang mangyayari.

Dami nating tanong, simple lang ba talaga ang sagot?

Sleigh

“Maybe there's something you're afraid to say, or someone you're afraid to love, or somewhere you're afraid to go. It's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt because it matters.” 
- John Green

What a week, eh? What a week.

We have postponed this time and again, and have thought of times when we should do it. We still haven't. I don't know. There are times I've thought maybe there's already someone making a move. I mean I there's that one guy hanging around her and they've known each other for a long time. I don't know if he was friend-zoned or he's gay or what is going on. If he haven't tried already, I'm thinking he is gay. Not that there's anything wrong with it, just that I can't imagine being that close to her and not even trying.

Look who's talking, but in my defense, I'm not that close to her as he is, you see. So maybe he's affecting my plans, unintentionally. Because I can't get her alone when they're hanging around her all the time. If they're eating together and going home together (albeit always with other people and never just the two of them), won't you think there's something going on? Or maybe I'm just making excuses not to go through with it. Such fear of the unknown.

I'm paralyzed with thoughts of her. If I'm always thinking about this, I should do something about it, right? How else can I get it to stop. When I never seem to want to...

Last Wednesday we had the Christmas party with her team, of which some people are part of mine. Confusing, but that's bureaucracy for you, I guess. But I'm not complaining here. I gleaned off some things being with her. Maybe I'm getting blind here, but those things I see, I still like. And yes, I found out I do want to be close to her...

The next day, I saw her again where we ate dinner. She was with her other friends at another table. And I couldn't resist going near her. Even if I'm just asking about a little thing, using it as an excuse to go over. I'm also looking at her when I could. I wonder if my pupils are dilated when I do.

Last Saturday during the year-end party, I even imagined talking to her alone and maybe asking her then and there. But alas, that morning of Saturday, I got sick. I vomited twice on the bus going home and was feeling so sick. I think I even got a fever. But still, I went to the year-end party. Because I already bought something to wear. And there's a penalty if you registered and did not attend. And I could see her as well. I won a 500 php gift check for my trouble, so the night wasn't a total waste.

But strangely, when I saw her, she never even seemed to look at me. It was strange. We never even talked the whole night. I don't even have a picture with her. She was very distant that night. But she looked beautiful. As always. But alas, as the night went on, instead of getting better, I felt even more and more sick. I had a terrible headache. I can't stand for too long. And I felt like vomiting again. I wanted to lie down on a bed and sleep it off. So I did steer away from her. There were several plans for an after party but after too much ado, I just went back to the office to rest. I found out she and her friends also went home after coffee. I was able to chat with her for a short time. I was the last message again. But it felt good that I talked with her.

Hard to read people, really. Maybe knowing one's thoughts is a good enough superpower for me. I would really like telekinesis or teleportation or time travel. But definitely knowing her thoughts will trump those powers right now.