"Some doors that close do not open any windows at all."
So I have just learned that the longest target of my unrequited love is now apparently engaged. Further investigation through Facebook did not reveal anything useful. Before she changed her status to "engaged" I even thought she was single. So, either she'll marry the wind or the next invisible man or she does not want to disclose who she's been in relationship with. I mean there was no indication at all that she was even with someone. No picture or even a name drop. Well she's not really active in that site that much and rarely uses the Internet. But no picture of the guy at all and no display of affection? That is a rarity. I could even think she just doesn't want some people (like me?) to know. It could even mean she is just joking or she's trying to...
Anyway, I don't really know what she thinks and I think I've already hurt enough before not to try to imagine / second-guess that whatever she might have thought is in anyway favorable to me. I'm just not part of her life at all. So yeah, for the purposes of this post, let us assume that it is true. Even if it is indeed a joke, I don't think it changes anything.
It has been a long time since we have first met and maybe that year would be one of the things that I regret. I have had a number of dreams when I even go back to that time and changed some things and I was happy. Just last week, I had a dream of her and I remember dimly that at the end her memory of me was wiped clean just so I could start over. That finally I could set things right without my past mistakes hanging over me.
But then I wake up.
And the reality was we both had changed throughout the years. Let me tell you that what you are high school changes over the years. So if you are popular, you should enjoy it. If you are one of the smart ones in your batch, you should savor it. It could be the best time in your life. When you are in college a lot of things will change. You will meet a lot of people and could get swallowed up by the population and lose your own identity. College will challenge what you previously thought you are and if you lose, you will become a shadow of what you were before.
When I encountered her next, I was in a losing battle. I have had failing grades and I have had failed relationships, I have had failed friendships. I was okay but I have become a pessimist. Failure was a common expectation and maybe I was trudging along college. I found her through friendster back then and established communication. The next few weeks were great. It was perfect. I was hopeful again. She had a boyfriend, but it didn't seem to matter. Maybe nostalgia was so strong, the lingering question of "what if" so fragrant, that there was a chance to pull it off... but then came the downwards spiral.
I don't know what happened. Maybe when she saw me again after 5 years, I did not live up to her standards, maybe our grounds were too fickly (one year of teen crush will not sustain a long burn) and I failed to to use my advantage. But soon enough things got so out of hand that I lost another friend and I lost her as well. It was a terrible time. I was so dramatic back then, maybe I came off as desperate and bitter. I was obsessed with her, I guess. There was no better word for it. And maybe that obsession drove her away.. I couldn't even understand it, because I did not even know her that well. I tried to explain why but I didn't know how.
Sometime after that I got to talking to her again. It gave me some hope because she was the one that initiated it. By then I have not sent her any text for a long time because for months, she did not bother replying at all. But although we have talked through chat, nothing is the same. I do not feel the warmth in anything that she said. Things are so awkward and she doesn't ask anything about me like she doesn't care anymore. And I tried, I tried, I tried. We used to communicate through text but for financial reasons she can't text as much as she did before. Excuses.
There was a time when I asked her out. Everything was set. I even took a vacation leave just so I could go out with her. By then, things were running smoothly again. Not as they were before but enough to give me hope. She agreed to meet with me and all. But when the day came she stood me out. She did not even explain. After two weeks or more I was able to talk to her again and I asked her why. She gave me some off-handed excuse like it was nothing. Like it was nothing. And when I tried to ask her out again she was not available at all. Too busy or something.
It was wrong and I know I should have forgotten her then. But what we know and what we do about it are sometimes different things. And back then all I wanted was to fix this one thing so I could move on. If there was really nothing maybe I would. If she told me to stop, maybe I would have. But she kept me on a leash it seems (unintentionally or not?), always giving me something to hope for, showing up when I'm almost getting over her and pulling me back.
It has been that way till now. I'm not as obsessed with her as before. There was a time I even removed her from my chat list. But she always initiates the chat and then when I'm hooked again she leaves me hanging. I have seen her again during some of the reunions and it was so awkward between us. We didn't really get a chance to talk. I don't know what her problem about me was. If she had told me about it maybe I could have done something. But alas!
And now she is engaged and could be married this year. And some part of me breathes a sigh of relief. And some part of me is sad that it's not me. That part of me could sour grape that she is now more plump than before and all but yeah, that same part of me would be sad that she did not give me a chance. But I have given that part of me that is sad more than 10 paragraphs above to reminisce and that is enough. I would never ever again talk about her that long, this is the last. She has caused more hurt and for no good reason.
The part of me that breathed that sigh of relief is glad. Whew! Finally we can close that book after 12 years of nothing. I am so tired of her and I want to get over this. I would want to say that it is not only about her for those 12 years and yeah, we have survived without her affection and we don't need it. This shouldn't affect us at all. I don't know how you come up with the idea that you loved her back then when you barely really know her. You are making too much of an issue about this, this is something that is happening to other people who, though you met, has never really known you. It is regret that you are feeling and it doesn't go away. What you do is you learn from it and you do not make the same mistake. Maybe make a different mistake next time.
Do not worry, do not be desperate. Some other person will come along. If no one does, it will be just fine. You have other things to take your attention, let them take you away. Other people care. Let them. Remove her from your life altogether and stop checking on her, it will not help. This door is closing and be glad you are not inside. Instead of looking for windows in the same house, look for other doors... in other houses. Maybe theirs is open all along.
We should forget about this and move on.
