Uncharted

“Maybe it’s okay that you don’t know what’s going to happen. Maybe you should stop predicting and controlling and enjoy each moment as it comes.” -- Mandy Hale

I'm telling you, this has been one of the farthest places I've ever been to when you think about it. Yep. Never even met a parent of any of the lost or the unrequited loves we had. Ah but we still don't know where we are. We still don't know how she feels. Needless to say, I was surprised as to how this day unfolded.

First, I have to admit, I did give up last Saturday. That was one of the lowest points I've ever had. There is no one, I thought, no one at all... I was so depressed I bought two figures unplanned just so I can look forward to something in my life. Yup. That lasagna I ate alone yesterday tasted like defeat and to think I was fine 3 weeks ago, sitting on a four-person table eating (yes, a lasagna as well) all by my lonesome. After getting home, I slept for 10 hours. I haven't left her any messages since the one of Friday night.

By noon yesterday (Sunday), I was surprised she sent a message asking if I was going to that mall in pasay because she was going there to drive her sister. I know I might have read things wrong before and it's a common fault of mine to misinterpret, but I did hear an invitation in those words. Was I wrong? Did she want me to go there? I don't know. Did I want to go there? It's far, but I do. It's something I've never done. It could be a pseudo date or something. She told me she'd probably be alone wandering the mall after. Why tell me these things if she doesn't want me to come?

After some back and forth with her and a friend (whom I was asking for advice real-time), I decided to go. Someone was supposed to come with us as well but I did hope he will decline and thank goodness he did not show up! I did not know what I was going to do when I got there but at the time I was on a different mall with my family eating lunch. I was so distracted I don't even remember what the lunch tasted. Good thing they wanted to go home early so after getting home, I was still deciding how to tell them I was going to MOA. I was prancing back and forth and told them. My mother sort of knew. I think she read my messages while I was taking a bath. But yeah, that was a first. They told me to take the car and I did.

The skies were downcast it felt like it would rain. After coursing through traffic, I was able to arrive at moa. Also, surprisingly, I was able to park as well.

I think she was finished with what she had to do but she told me to get to smx first and we'll meet there. And her mother would come with us because she did not went into the event. It was a surprising turn of events but I'll take her mother over that other office mate anytime.

Her mother reminds me of someone. She's like my aunt I guess. She also sells houses. She has a lot of stories and she's proud of her daughters. The three of us went for coffee and talked there for hours. And I think it was good. I think it was OK. I did not think I messed it up..but sometimes you wouldn't know... what could her first impressions of me be? I hope she had a good opinion of me.

tobecontinued..

SeeSaw

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." ― Neil Gaiman


Confusion. 2 weeks ago, I wouldn't have imagined being back here in this state of utter tumult.

At times it is warm and I could bask myself in that spreading heat, imagine all the good things that could happen.. I mean c'mon, the world, it is mine to have!  But other times it is so cold and I shiver... I'm unable to do anything, all I feel is this freezing chill in my heart. Suddenly the world, it is too big, and I can't get even the tiniest bit of it.

I think the problem is I tend to want it too much. I tend to get too needy. And I do. I do want it too much. I want it too much, gods-dammit! I can feel myself getting too desperate and since that has caused a lot of my problems with LittleGoth, I have struggled to keep the neediness in check. Once I set my mind to it, I believe I can actually live alone, but I tend to forget about this every time I fall. Every common sense is out the window. On the outside, I am probably calm and distracted but on the inside, my mind is in turmoil. Everything's a mess, hundreds of thoughts churning in my head, struggling to be heard, plans and speculations, analyses and possibilities... my stomach is in knots, I couldn't even eat a lot. And I tend to lose myself in thoughts. I know I shouldn't be this way.

Can't things be simple for a change?

I guess I should pull out for a while...

Passenger Seat

“A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other...Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever”
― Dave Matthews Band

What a day. What a day. I almost believed that everything was lost. But then it's not. And we might just have had one of the best days of our life after a long while.

Outing

“When your heart is broken you plant seeds in the cracks and you pray for rain.” 
— Andrea Gibson

Hmm. Nagkaroon ng outing yung kabilang team nung nakaraang Sabado. Di ko sila ka-team. Pero sumama ako. Bakit hindi. Wala naman mawawala. Una sa lahat, di naman talaga ako umaasa. Tingnan natin kung may mangyari. Kung wala, ok lang naman din siguro. Live a little, ika nga. Kaysa gawin ko yung usual routine ko pag sabado, ibahin ko naman paminsan minsan. Minsan lang din naman yung mga ganyang outing, hayaan mo na yung Collecticon sa Megamall, wala na rin naman akong pambili dun.

Badtrip nung biyernes ng gabi. Andaming ginawa. Andaming issue. Andaming wala. Gustong gusto ko na matapos yung araw na yun. Wala rin naman ako sa mood magtrabaho matagal na. Kung may malilipatan ako siguro, matagal na ako umalis. Yun nga lang, di talaga ako naghahanap...

Umalis kami ng maaga, wala pa akong timesheet. Di bale sa weekend na lang. Antok na ako. May dinaanan kami sa BGC, yung gf ng kasama ko at yung nirereto nila. Mukhang mas ok naman sa personal kaysa sa picture. Di ko lang talaga "template" kumbaga. Ewan ko. Basta sa ngayon, hindi talaga. Pumunta kami sa bahay nung kasama ko at nag-agahan. Umalis. Sinundo yung major nya. Saka yung isa pa naming kasama. Blah blah.

Food committee daw mga kasama ko. Kaya mamimili pa ng mga pagkain. Dumaan sa palengke, nagbuhat ng mga karne at gulay. Pumunta ng puregold at namili pa ng kung ano ano. Sumama ako sa pamimili. Pero distansya. Wala rin naman tyempo. Maganda pa din. Mahirap tingnan ng matagal. Nakakasilaw. Pero siguro di na gaya ng dati. Ako siguro nanlamig na rin sa kanya. Kung makaramdam ako ng siga, inaapula ko agad ang apoy.

Dumating ang gabi. Konting idlip lang ang baon ko. Syempre pag teambuilding, may games. Akala ko honorary guest ako. Dapat di ako kasali. Pero syempre, isinali ako. Ka-team ko sya, sinadya nila, oo. Tapos may card game pang nalalaman. Ipapasa yung card sa katabi. Dapat sa labi yung card e papunta sa kabila, kaso ang ginawa nilang rule, basta gamit ang bibig. Syempre nagbigay ako ng clue, pwede naman gamitin ang bibig e di ipitin na lang yung card sa labi. Baka nga sinabotahe ko ang sarili ko. Pero di mo rin masabi baka lalong mapahamak e. Nung una di kami magkasunod. Di rin naman ako lumapit sa kanya. Gaya ng sinabi ko, wala naman akong balak ipilit. Tinigil nila bago magsimula, pinaglapit kami. Hmm. Napapangiti ako oo, haha, gusto ko rin naman. Sa lahat naman ng kateam ko sya ang pwede.

Malapit ang mukha ko sa kanya nung kinuha ko yung card na kagat nya. Kung hinawakan ko ang balikat nya, magagalit kaya sya? Ilang card din yun, ilang beses magkalapit. Di ko alam kung ano dapat maramdaman ko. Di ko naman alam ang pakiramdam nya. Gusto ko isipin na sana isang buong deck un, pero nung panahon na yun akala ko mananalo pa kami kaya binilisan ko lang din. Ayun, talo rin naman pala. Dapat dinahan dahan ko na.

Talo rin naman kami sa games. Kumain tapos nagsimula na ang gabi. Nag-abot abot ako ng inumin. Inabutan ko din sya. Pumili sya ng kanta habang inaalok ko sya, tapos lumabas yung iasng kanta, buttercup. sabi ko akin na lang yung kanta. Pumayag siya. Di ko akalain naging malaking bagay pala yun sa mga nandun. Kala nila kanta ko yung buttercup para sa kanya. At alam mo naman pag lasing ako, gusto ko silang masaya. Kaya habang nagchecheer sila naisipan ko naman tumingin sa kanya. Ayun naghiyawan lalo. Nung matapos yung kanta bumalik na ako sa may pool. Yun pala, kanta na nya yung kasunod. E Taralets yung title ayun hiyawan sila lalo. Nagkataon lang naman, yun naman mga kinakanta nya lagi. Natawa ako, sabi nila kailangan daw sagutin ko rin yung kanta. Ayun e nag-iisip ako ng kanta nung naisip ko yung Ewan. Yung kanta na yun sinadya ko talaga. Dahil wala naman talaga syang sagot sa akin e. Sana sumagot man lang sya.

Pero ano nga ba ang balak ko... Nitong nakaraang linggo, nagsimula akong kausapin ng isa kong katrabaho. Pangalanan nating Julie. At naramdaman ko habang nag-uusap kami, na parang nasa kanya yung klase ng usapan na hinahanap ko sana kay Meadow. Hmm. Mas tuloy tuloy ang usapan, mas masaya kausap. Yun nga lang di ko pa naaaya kahit saan. Di ko pa alam ang gagawin. Pero malaki ang potensyal para sa akin na ipursue tuloy.

Alam naman natin yung problema kay Meadow. Masyadong sarado. Siguro kung nagkaroon na ako ng girlfriend baka alam ko na kung pano. Pero dahil hindi pa, di ko kaya ang laro na gusto nya. May nagsabi sa akin, sumuko daw ako agad. Di ako naniniwala na kailangan mong pahirapan ang isang tao para malaman mo kung tunay sya. Walang taong di ka masasaktan sa buhay mo. At di lahat ng pinaghirapan ay gusto mo habambuhay. Sana man lang kung gusto mo din naman, iparamdam mo ng konti. Hindi yung parang wala lang. Kung nagpakita sya ng konti, di naman ako susuko agad e. Kaso wala akong nakuha.

Kaya naman kung papipiliin ako, malamang etong isa na lang. Iniisip ko kung tatanungin ko pa yung Meadow... kung aayain ko pa. Parang wala na ring sense kung parang mas gusto ko na si Julie...

Ramblings

“I hated them because they had something I had not yet had, and I said to myself, I said to myself again, someday I will be as happy as any of you, you will see.” ― Charles Bukowski


I wanted to talk to someone about this. But I can't find anyone I could, you know, talk to about this. Even people who tell me their secrets, I can't tell them unless they pry.

All this attention from her, is getting to me. I could say that I'm a bit surprised. It came out of nowhere. Here I was trying to get home, after spending time alone at the book fair. Getting online to play an online game on my phone and she strikes a conversation.

Ok, it didn't really come out of nowhere. Since we have talked long before. But there's something that happened yesterday. And I felt it strongly. And now as always, I don't know.

Am I jumping at this opportunity eagerly because like a parched throat I'm eager for a single drop? Maybe. I'm just a sucker for a good conversation.

Wishful Thinking

“Sometimes, I sit alone under the stars and think of the galaxies inside my heart, and truly wonder if anyone will ever want to make sense of all that I am.” — Christopher Poindexter

Months have past. And I have tried my best to ignore these feelings of loneliness. I can live on my own, gods-dammit, if I have to push myself to the edge just to make it work.

But I have to admit that while solitude has its benefits, it gnaws on your heart when you let it stay there for long. And I'd be lying if I say I didn't feel apathetic, depressed or disinterested at what life has yet to offer. There just seems to be no point to it at all.

Maybe I desire pain myself. All these self-sabotages and half-measures just to ensure I don't lose myself when I truly fail after giving it all. I fear it will break me. Maybe someday I could give it all. Maybe someday I'll know how it truly feels.
______________

So I'm back. After half a year, do we finally have a new one? The last one did not really have any closure but then again, there's no use hoping for one if it's not even important to the other. Anyhow, I sense potential. I still don't know. But I do find talking to her (the new one) less awkward and more of a two-way conversation... a real discussion with bantering back and forth. I think having someone who can I can have a good conversation with is very important to me. Hmmm. I don't know if she's like that with others. And I still don't know if I'll pursue. We'll see in the coming days, hopefully. Just need a couple more talks, maybe.

Lonesome

“When your heart is broken you plant seeds in the cracks and you pray for rain.”
— Andrea Gibson

It's been a while, I know. The urge to post to this blog has subsided during the past weeks. Maybe it's because I'm uninspired. I'm not sure. Not to mention the fact that I'm also busier than ever, since after reorganization, the team I now belong to has the most active projects than the one before. So, I never run out of things to do at the office. No time for quiet contemplation. I haven't even caught up to the list of things I have to do. Sometimes, during my shift, I'm so exhausted I wished the day has ended already because I don't want to think about work anymore.

But maybe being busy is a solace in itself, for I don't have to think about how lonely I really feel. Those walks and lunches alone do not help, but with my schedule and routine and also being a loner.

I think I'm beginning to accept the reality that maybe there is really no one for me. The eventuality of being alone for the rest of my life seems unavoidable with the trend of things. I know it's early to assume such things, but after everything, I just can't imagine it anymore. Maybe I'm saying this so that the irony gods will make me eat my words, which I'll gladly do, if they do decide to prove me wrong.