Fears

“If you dare nothing, then when the day is over, nothing is all you will have gained.”  
― Neil Gaiman, The Graveyard Book

Nothing was gained indeed. I did a lot of tossing, turning and procrastinating. Then I gave up. I don't know. I stared at the screen for more than an hour. When I wanted to stop time it just sped forward even more. I hesitated and hesitated and hesitated time and again. I hate myself right now. This feeling is making me sick. Just a drop of the finger on the ENTER key and the world right now would have been different. I'm sorry. I'm just pretty damaged, I guess. I'm trying to remember what made me this way. I opened up some forgotten memories of how I squandered a lot of chances. I don't know why I tend to do that. There's like a very huge wall in front of me and I've tried to get over it a lot of times and I gave up for a while. Didn't even notice it right in front of my face. And now it's just worse. I can see it everywhere I look. How did those people do it? How did they get over their wall?

Maybe she's in the same place as me. Maybe I can dream on and think she's waiting for me to act. I gave a fleeting glance at her yesterday and I felt very sad. I'm very distracted these days I often find myself thinking. And I remember how I acted way back on college and why I felt that way. Because it's happening again. I need to do something. Need to take action. I just got to get this off my chest. I think it's unhealthy, this much longing. Very destructive. If I see her still tomorrow even though there's a super typhoon passing through the country, this would have to be done. I won't think anymore and I won't hesitate. This needs to be done, dammit, two weeks ago! I think the key is to push forward and don't wait for those automatic thoughts to kick in. Remember how happy I was when I did something. I need that drug again. I need an end if it won't work out.

Monologue

I've never been good at making plans. I never even had a planner. If I had to make a speech or a presentation, I make up some half-attempt at a plan on a piece of paper and hold it in my hand while I recite. It worked most of the time. I could usually wing it or make it up as I go along.

I've tried to make a plan for tomorrow. I even sat down with a pen and paper and set out to think what I should do. But I was never able to write anything concrete and I just threw the paper away.

Argh.

Preparation

"All things are ready, if our mind be so."
― William Shakespeare, Henry V

There are times I feel confident about what I'm planning to do. That it would work and she would say yes and then it would all go well and there would be another one. That although there might be awkwardness at the start, she'll warm up to it as it goes along and we'll both have a good time.

I've been having dreams about it too and I'm happy in them. I don't think I have ever been rejected in my dreams. Probably just means my subconscious is really very optimistic.

But doubt creeps like a thief and I'm suddenly aware of possibly failing. And I can't help thinking maybe I should back off and save myself some pain of again not being worth the trouble.

I wish there was a way I could put those times of confidence in some bottle of sorts and save them up for later when I need them most. Like storing up a mana potion that I could use for my confidence spell. But I think I'll also have to conjure an armor that will protect me from any form of rejection be it subtle, blatant or preemptive.

I would be ready with my bottle (too bad it's imaginary and not alcoholic because I could use some lack of inhibition) before I state my intent, open it up and take in all that confidence and just hit it out of the park. Maybe invoke an encouragement charm. Or like a mistborn flare some brass and soothe the other's emotions.

I don't have anything to lose, right? I mean, I'm currently with no one. And we'll still talk if she rejects me, although I think it would be professional. But first things first. There would be a time to figure out what will happen next once I state my intent.

Argh. I wish I could see the future and just see how I fare a week from now.

Inaction

“Pessimism becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy; it reproduces itself by crippling our willingness to act.”
― Howard Zinn, You Can't Be Neutral on a Moving Train: A Personal History of Our Times

Yep. You got it right. Bok-bokbok-bok-bok. Chicken.

An effing chicken is what I effing am.

I'm paralyzed with the fear of rejection. If pessimism was a slow-acting poison, I'm now reaping the side-effects.

Procrastination and Risk

"Procrastination is like masturbation. At first it feels good, but in the end you're only screwing yourself. " 
- Anonymous

“A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for.”
- William G.T. Shedd

"The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open."
– Chuck Palahniuk

I know I used that first quote before. And the first title as well. So I added two more quotes and two more words to the title, no need to thank me. Well, it was 6 six years ago and nobody cares. Besides, I would think this time the first quote and original title are more relevant than before. Who cares about studies nowadays, anyway? I graduated didn't I, although it took longer. And I think I got a good job afterwards. But hey, not a good example. We're getting off track.

So knowing myself, I do really think I need a lot of convincing to do something I really wanted to do all along. I know I want it but I want other people telling me I should go for it. Or telling me the other way around. I mean there's almost a sure way to get me to do what I other people want, and make me feel like I really wanted to do it. But I'm not going to tell you that. Maybe some of the people I know have an inkling regarding that, but they're not abusing it, thankfully.

Anyway.

Why is it so hard for me? Man, grow a pair already. I have put this off for months, if not years. I think she has an idea regarding this. I mean, out of nowhere, suddenly, it seems I'm all around her. She hasn't rejected it so far. There are times it seems she's reeling me in. But I've been keeping my distance as well. I don't know if that's just how she behaves or is there really something. Aaaaah!

I remember that duet back during the team outing last April. I've never seen her do that with anyone. I think I sung pretty bad. And I'll admit, I only wanted to go to that team outing because I knew she was coming as well. I mean, I actually blew off an old highschool friend who invited me to his wedding 3 weeks before, just so I can be with her. I wish there was a way to know what she thinks.

I've been shifting from thinking it would work, to thinking it won't. And gah, what torture. There are inifinite universes on the verge of being created by those two possibilities should I proceed on this undertaking. And as much as I don't want to, I can't help thinking about it very much.

I described her to my friend in one of our chats but I didn't mention her and she thought I was describing myself. And I realized it did sound like me. Maybe we have more in common than I thought. But still, a very big blind spot, it's dangerous to assume.

Need. To. Make. This. Work.

Never Easy

“Our doubts are traitors, 
and make us lose the good we oft might win, 
by fearing to attempt.” 
- William Shakespeare, Measure for Measure

What the hell? This is my sixth post in a month. Haven't been able to do that in years. Maybe I have been churning out as much as that content when blogging was such a popular thing and each blogger post was really an attempt to impress. Those days have passed. Micro blogging has become such a big thing now because people have always wanted instant things. There's just no more time in this busy, busy world for walls of text to read and comment about. No more time for other normal people's crap.

So what has inspired this much content? I am either very desperate for someone to tell this to or too doubtful and discouraged about things that I needed to let it out. It's probably both. I think a common side effect of infatuation is really inspiration, among other things. You just want to talk and talk and talk about it. And I kept not thinking about it for a long, long time that when I did started thinking about it, I am still shocked at how the dam just burst open.

Bottling up emotions is never a good thing.

I was in a bookstore yesterday looking at graphic novels to either buy or download later. There was a sale on all books in all their branches and I have been to 3 branches so far. While browsing through the books I noticed two people talking about comics. Maybe it was a testament to how the place was because they were conversing in pure English, with the accent and all.

The man was talking about which comics are good, giving some opinions and suggestions on the authors or the superheroes. The woman knew something about comics which was really rare for me to hear and was able to hold the conversation. I think they hit it off pretty good, because the man gave the "maybe we should get together sometime and have a chat and blah blah... can I get your number?" talk afterwards and the girl gave her facebook account.

And I was thinking at that time, man, how uncomplicated was that? It's like watching a basketball game and seeing a player do what seems to be a very easy move and you're thinking, "yeah, that was so easy I could do that". But in reality, when you're holding the ball, you realize that it was not really easy at all.


She has been frequenting my dreams, this Meadow. I think it means I'm thinking of her a lot that it's bordering on obsession. I know where it has led me in the past and I've got to stop as early as possible, nip it at the bud. Or else, I'll need more years to get over nothing again. I have a tendency to be obsessed and it never turned out good for me. But I can't nip it at the bud when a possibility still stares at my face. It was very easy getting over Mission Shining Light was because the way she ignored me at the start very much turned me off.

I have not yet been rejected but I haven't stated my intent yet either. I haven't told her what I feel. And I know it has to happen in a matter of weeks. Or I'll go insane with this.

Hurdle

"You already have the NO. Take the risk of getting the YES."
-anon

I know I already have a whole lot of "probably nothings". And if I don't risk a definite NO, I'm going to have more "probably nothings". But knowing something and doing something about it are a world's apart of difference. And I've always been stuck with the knowing part. I know what to do, but I'm not doing it.

The planned 2nd phase did not push through. Damn. After losing a lot of sleep about it, all it turned out was lost sleep and nothing more. But what can I do? She appeared to be very busy. I'm thinking she'd say no to another cup of coffee. And I know that I don't really know. In the alternate universe where I was confident, I could probably have made her say yes. Then gave a statement of intent and got an okay. Then maybe a date afterwards.

Oh what fun it is to live in that alternate universe and not be stuck here with self-doubting me.

But after talking with her through chat yesterday where I think there were good signs, I'm not sure if I was reading it correctly. Probably, she was just friendly. After all, we've known each other for more than 5 years and I haven't made a move except last Wednesday, and that was even vague to her I think.

Can I just make that jump? And to hell with the consequences. I want to be drunk today and lose my inhibitions and just do it. I want to do it. I'm just unreasonably scared that it won't work. I wonder what made me fear this much and what would it take to get over it.